CIVIL WAR in Maryland!!!

Filed under: 1655 > Catholics > Maryland > Protestants > War > 1650s >

battle of severn

Guess they aren’t in a merry land after all! HA!

Remember how the Toleration Act (which granted Catholics the right to worship) got repealed in Maryland???

Well now it’s started an ALL-OUT war!!!!

Lord Baltimore, the Lord Proprietor of Maryland who is loyal to the King of England and is also a Roman Catholic, was removed from authority and replaced by William Fuller, a Protestant who is loyal to the new Commonwealth of England.

Now forces loyal to Lord Baltimore are fighting Will Fuller’s posse in the Battle of Severn to win Maryland back.

Ugh. Violence is NEVER the answer.

Who do U think will win the Maryland civil war???

Ahhh!! The Dutch Are Trying to Take Back NY!!!!!

Filed under: 1673 > New York > Manhattan > War > Fashion Smashion > 1670s >

anglo-dutch wars

Holy cow!

A Dutch battle fleet of 23 ships JUST arrived in New York City harbor, trying to take back the land they claim is rightfully theirs. Just a few years ago, the Brits forced the Dutch to surrender New York and it looks like the Dutch are back with a vengeance. 

Geez, we hope they surrender without a fight. If there’s anything worse than war, it’s getting blood on perfectly good clothes.

We will be thinking of their hats, coats and shoes in the dark days to come.

Frenchmen and Indians Kill & Kidnap Massachusetts Peeps

deerfield raid

Run for your lives!!! The Indians are thirsty for more blood!!!!!

France and England are once again fighting for control over America in what is being called “Queen Anne’s War.” The sneaky little French have convinced local Indians to attack Deerfield, mASSachusetts because they’re pissed that the English keep settling in the north. French and Indian forces killed approximately 56 people and kidnapped over 100 in the middle of the night!!!!!

Yeeesh! Thank goodness we sold our vacation home in Deerfield… we could have been KILLED!!!

We hope those who have been kidnapped are returned safely.

Frenchmen and Indians Raid Town in mASSachusetts

jean baptiste hertel de rouville

More war, more tragedy.

Now being nicknamed “The Raid on Haverhill”, Jean-Baptiste Hertel de Rouville led French and Indian forces in a surprise attack against Haverhill in mASSachusetts killing 16 people and kidnapping a rumored 20. Our sources say that they were originally supposed to attack a bunch of communities along the Piscataqua River, but the Indians were unwilling to agree to that so the French changed their plans at the last minute. 

We have to admit - we’re shocked!!! The Indians UNWILLING to kill more than they have to??? Maybe Piscataqua River peeps are their main suppliers of alcohol?!

That would be the only thing that makes sense to us!!!

Natchez Massacre: Worst Bloodshed in Mississippi

Filed under: 1729 > War > Indians > Slavery > Mississippi > 1720s >

natchez massacre

As usual, someone pissed off the Indians and they responded with murder. 

This time, the French colonial commandment, Sieur de Chépart, demanded the Natchez Indians give him some land. Though they lived peacefully side by side for years, the Indians revolted — even using guns they borrowed from the French to do it. Some 240 people died and the fighting destroyed farms and property. Thankfully, the Indians did spare most women, children and slaves.

UGH, war!!

What is it good for?!?!

Gov. of Louisiana Arrives Late to War - Allies Get Crushed

Filed under: 1736 > Bienville > Illinois > Indians > Louisiana > War > 1730s >

bienville louisiana
Omfg. Seriously?!?

Of all days to sleep in, he picks the day he’s going to attack the Indians?????

Louisiana Governor, Jean-Baptiste Bla Bla Longest Name Ever Le Moyne de Bienville, told the Governor of Illinois and all of his troops to meet up on March 25th to launch a coordinated attack against the forever-annoying Chickasaw IndiansBienville arrived late, so Illinois acted like 5 year olds with no patience and went ahead with the attack. Illinois was totally crushed.

Rooster alarm clock FAIL.

Ermahgerd! War in America Over a WOMAN!!!

maria theresa

Get over it, bb! Women should have equal rights, too!!!!

In Europe, the War of the Austrian Succession started when the Holy Royal Emperor, Charles VI, passed away and his daughter, Maria Theresa, succeeded his place on the throne. France doesn’t believe a woman should be in power, so they’ve been fighting to overthrow her. England, on the other hand, actually has a brain and has been fighting to keep her there. 

Now the war has moved across the Atlantic in a series of military operations being called King George’s WarFrench and English colonies are murdering the crap out of each other, but it’s too soon to tell who is winning.

Who knew France would be SO threatened by a vagina!

What do U think?? Should women be in power?????

Woot Woot!! War of Austrian Succession Ends!

war of austrian succession

The big ass war over in Europe (the one that leaked into America with a series of military attacks called King George’s War) has come to an end with the Treaty of Aix-la-Chapelle.

The A-L-C stated that Maria Theresa, who sparked the war, only had to give up the territory of Silesia to Prussia. Besides that, everything basically ended in status-quo-ante-bellum or, for those of you who speak English, the normal state of things before the war.

While everyone is pretty happy with this arrangement, the people of France are NOT.

SHOCKER. We thought the French were such happy people!!!! LOL.

Despite Louis XV of France’s victories in the war, he has given up everything he conquered to Austria because he’s happy with the land he already rules. Everyone in Europe thinks this is nice of him, but his own people are PISSED. They feel like they worked hard and got nothing out of it.

Cheer up, France. Go eat a baguette and cry into your champagne… you’ll feel better.


Major George Washington Gets Sassy with the French

george washington

We just LOVE a man in uniform!!!

Major Hottie George Washington was ordered to deliver a letter to the French telling them to GTFO of Ohio because Britain already claimed it. And guess what?? The Frenchies are saying NO!

Now Major Hottie Washington is on a mission to befriend local Indians to gain their human shields support in case the Brits and Frenchies cat fight over Ohio.

Oh, and did we mention he is SINGLE??? But back off, ladies, he’s ours!!!! 

Mrs. Perez Washington… we LOVE it!


George Washington Preps to Kick French Booty!!!!

george washington

We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!

After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and made the Brits leave mid-construction. 

And because our Hottie Washie works so hard, he was just promoted to lieutenant colonel of the Virginia militia. He is now leading about 200 Virginians and Indian allies to fight the French.

YAY! Congrats on the promotion, Washie!!! Stay safe!