First African-American Woman Published in America

Filed under: 1767 > 1760s > Slavery > Poetry > phillis wheatley >


We’ve sure come a long way since the days of slave rebellions!

The Wheatley family of Massachusetts purchased a young slave named Phillis. Luckily for Phillis, the Wheatleys valued education and tutored her in reading and writing. She took a liking to poetry and just had a poem published in the “Newport Mercury” newspaper. 

Some h8rs are claiming that Phillis’s poetry is terrible, and if it weren’t for the influential and wealthy Wheatley family, she never would have been published.

Crappy poet or not, we say f*ck the h8rs! We think it’s super brave of Phillis to follow her dreams and super kewl of the Wheatleys to treat her as one of their own.

Congrats, gurl! U earned it!!!!!

Rich Boy Thomas Jefferson’s Daddy Dies

Filed under: 1757 > 1750s > Thomas Jefferson > Monticello > Slavery >


Boo-hoo. Better wipe away those tears with all that money!!!

Jefferslut got a big allowance when daddy died. He inherited 5,000 acres of land and a bunch of slaves at just 14 years old.

At 14 you barely know how to milk a cow, so how can you possibly OWN human beings???

We can’t even take care of our cat!!!

Speaking of which, has anyone seen Whiskers?!?!!?


Stono Rebellion: Largest Slave Uprising EVER in America

slave rebellion

It was probs originally the “Stoned Rebellion" because the slaves must have been high as kites to go through with this cray-cray uprising!!!

Led by a slave named Jemmy, nicknamed “Cato,” 20 fellow slaves gathered near the Stono River in South Carolina on a Sunday when white people were at church. They marched towards a slave-free Florida with a sign that said “Liberty!”, recruiting more than 80 slaves and killing anyone who tried to stop them along the way. 

South Carolina Lieutenant Governor William NoBullShit wasn’t pleased with Cato’s uprising, so he sent a militia down to stop them. The slaves fought like hell, but the white people killed or captured most of the rebels.

Who knew Florida was full of freedom-loving hippies?????

HMMMmmmm…. our beach house on the Jersey Shore is SO last decade. Maybe we’ll relocate!!!

Natchez Massacre: Worst Bloodshed in Mississippi

Filed under: 1729 > War > Indians > Slavery > Mississippi > 1720s >

natchez massacre

As usual, someone pissed off the Indians and they responded with murder. 

This time, the French colonial commandment, Sieur de Chépart, demanded the Natchez Indians give him some land. Though they lived peacefully side by side for years, the Indians revolted — even using guns they borrowed from the French to do it. Some 240 people died and the fighting destroyed farms and property. Thankfully, the Indians did spare most women, children and slaves.

UGH, war!!

What is it good for?!?!

"Code Noir" is Enforced in Louisiana

Filed under: 1720s > 1724 > Jews > Louisiana > Slavery > Bienville >

Sieur de Bienville

The “Black Code”? More like the “Go Eff Yourself Code”!!!!!

The Black Code of Louisiana has been put into place by dickhead territorial governor, Sieur de Bienville. The code consists of 54 articles that details a slave owner’s rights to control his slave’s religion, marriage, clothing, burial, punishment and much, MUCH more. It also orders Jews to be expelled from Louisiana.

Basically, all slaves and Jews are totally screwed. We only have two words for you, Sieur de Bienvielle:


Smallpox Outbreak Alert in Boston! One Doc Claims Cure!!

Filed under: 1721 > Massachusetts > Slavery > 1720s >

who will save your soul

Lock your doors, bitches!!!!! Smallpox is on the loose!!

To “cure” people, Dr. Zabdiel Boylston, has purposefully infected his healthy patients with a small trace of smallpox pus by rubbing it into an open wound. He believes that if the body were able to live through the disease once, the patient would become immune.

At first, angry mobs tried to hang him for spreading the infection. Then, after the death rate drastically reduced in his patients, people decided he wasn’t so nuts.

We’d rather DIE than have a looney doctor rub nasty PUS into our wounds!!


Indians Throw a Hissy Fit And Attack South Carolina

Filed under: 1715 > Indians > South Carolina > Carolinas > 1710s > Slavery >


Omg, can someone lend these Indians a tampon already????

The PMSing Yamasee Indians have complained forever that their new white neighbors have been trading unfairly. Fair or not, the YamaPEE have racked up some serious debt and owe the people of Charles Town tons of money. As payment, the settlers have kidnapped and sold YamaPEE women and children into slavery. This made the YamaPEE really pissed, so they’re killing every white person in sight.

If trading was so unfair, why did they keep doing it??? Weren’t they perfectly happy with what they had before the settlers got there???

They really just can’t control themselves. 

Dumbest New York Law EVER is Established

Filed under: 1710 > Indians > Massachusetts > New York > Slavery > Laws >


Brace yourselves.

New York now prohibits blacks and Indians from walking around at night without a lit lantern. 

The white men in our hood are WAY creepier than any blacks or Indians we know. We’d feel more comfortable if THEY had to carry a lantern too!

Sigh. We’d expect this idiotic law from the mASSholes, but not in the stylish and tolerant New York.

C’mon, bb! You’re better than this!

Dear Virginia, THIS Sucks! HOrrible Slave Code Passed!

Filed under: 1705 > Slavery > Virginia > Icky Icky Poo >

bullshit slavery

Srsly??? How is slavery STILL acceptable?!?!

The Virginia Slave Code has laid down the law and it ain’t pretty! It declares non-Christian servants entering the colony to be slaves; acquits masters who have killed slaves during punishment; outlaws slaves and free colored peeps from physically assaulting the whites; and prohibits slaves from bearing arms or moving abroad without permission.

And you call that a life??? Even animals have more rights than that!

How long do U give it before the slaves revolt again????

Frenchman Opens School For Slaves in New York

Filed under: 1704 > God > New York > Slavery > 1700s >

slave thank god


Frenchman Elias Naud said the slaves, “who were without God in the world and of whose souls there was no manner of care taken,” needed someone to show them the light of God. He has now opened a school to teach slaves all about the principles of religion. 

Ugghhh, why didn’t we think of that??? He’s definitely going to Heaven now!!

Good job, suck up Elias!