BREAKING XMAS NEWS: Get Paid to Kill Wild Animals!

santa paying the bills

Holy shiz! That’s SOOO newsworthy!!!!!

At least that’s what the Boston Gazette thinks, because that’s basically their front page headline this Christmas.

The new law they’re referring to authorizes, “the killing of Wolves, Bears, Wild Cats, and Catamounts within the Province.” The law rewards the following:

  • Every grown wolf: 4 pounds
  • Every baby wolf: 40 shillings
  • Every grown wild cat: 10 shillings
  • Every baby wild cat: 5 shillings

Hey, who are we to judge?? Santa’s gotta pay for those presents somehow!!!!!! 

Merry ChristopherColumbusmas!!!

Freedom of Press in America?!? Zenger Found NOT Guilty!!

Filed under: 1730s > 1735 > Laws > New York > Trial of Peter Zenger >

unicorn hugger

Holy smokes, we did NOT see that coming!!!

John Peter Zenger was found not guilty by a jury after being accused of publishing articles that attacked the government. The jury declared his innocence after lawyer Andrew Hamilton proved the allegations to be true.

Basically, this means that you can print whatever horrible nasty things you want about the government as long as it’s true! We bet Bill Cosby and other top dogs are FUMING over this news.

Yay, we can finally call everyone in power a total whorebag idiot and not have to worry about going to jail!!!!

Bill Cosby Sues John Peter Zenger for Libel

bill fuckin cosby
It’s the trial of the century!!!! FYI, in our most recent 1730s dictionary, libel is defined as:

"Published information that opposes the government."

Anyway, JP Zenger printed a publication in the New York Weekly Journal that accused the NY royal governor, William S. Cosby, of rigging elections and other crimes. Even though JP Zenger only published the accusations and didn’t actually write them, he won’t reveal the actual authors.

Now Bill Cosby is taking JP to court and the most famous, seski lawyer in all of the American colonies, Andrew Hamilton, will be defending JP!!!!

We will SOOO keep you updated on what’s to come!!!!

Dumbest New York Law EVER is Established

Filed under: 1710 > Indians > Massachusetts > New York > Slavery > Laws >

indians

Brace yourselves.

New York now prohibits blacks and Indians from walking around at night without a lit lantern. 

The white men in our hood are WAY creepier than any blacks or Indians we know. We’d feel more comfortable if THEY had to carry a lantern too!

Sigh. We’d expect this idiotic law from the mASSholes, but not in the stylish and tolerant New York.

C’mon, bb! You’re better than this!

mASSachusetts Law: Roman Catholic Priests Must Leave or Die

Filed under: 1700 > 1700s > Catholics > God > Massachusetts > Laws >

priests threatened

Happy New Century, bitches!!!! To celebrate, the mASSholes are enjoying their favorite pastime: threatening innocent people!!

mASSachusetts has passed a law that gives Roman Catholic priests three months to leave the colony or face life in prison and even execution.

When there aren’t any witches to kill, priests are the next best thing!!  

HA.

Man’s Prison Bond is FIFTY Pounds for Hurting Wife

Filed under: 1680s > 1683 > Laws > Rhode Island > Unfamous >

woman crying

Violence is NEVER the answer.

Ann Warner of Rhode Island petitioned for a divorce from her husband after he “laid violent hands on her.” Until the Court of Trials could make a decision in the case, she was granted a restraining order. When the case went before the Court of Trials she confessed that she STILL feared for her life. The court has now posted a crazy high bond of 50 pounds.

We hope that dickhead stays behind bars for good!!!

Yuck!

Homeless Youth Executed for Killing Woman and Children

Filed under: 1670s > 1678 > Laws > Unfamous >

execution

What a buzzkill!

While her husband wasn’t home, Mary Wheeler and two of her children met an unfortunate fate. A homeless kid demanded that she offer him shelter and lodging but when she refused he picked up an axe and killed them. He soon confessed to the crime and was executed. 

What is wrong with people these days?! They’re seriously insane!!!!!

Hopefully these executions will serve as a warning to others who are teetering on the edge of murder. 

Abraham Butterworth Sent to Prison For Misbehaving

Filed under: 1670s > 1678 > Laws > Rhode Island > Unfamous >

man in jail

No wonder he’s a criminal!! With a name like AbraHAM BUTTERworth, he must have some SERIOUS scars from being bullied.

AbraHAM BUTTERworth of Rhode Island was recently arrested for “Misbehavior in and towards his family.” He was, however, released after he slept with the jury and promised to be good.

He was probably misbehaving because he was so pissed at his family for inheriting a stupid name!!

It’s okay, Ham, it could be worse — your name could be PocaHOntas.

Ha!

New Law: Baptism Does NOT Change Slave Status

Filed under: 1660s > 1667 > Slavery > Virginia > Laws >

slavery and baptism

Sorry, slaves

Virginia has passed a law stating that Christian baptism will NOT alter a slave’s legal status. 

We don’t agree with slavery or anything, but we’re not really sure how those two things are related. We guess someone somewhere assumed that converting would free them from their owners.

Oh well. Looks like it’s time for them to find a plan B.

We think running away would be a good start!

Maryland Prohibited From Growing Tobacco

Filed under: 1660s > 1666 > Maryland > Laws >

tobacco

Aww, boo!!! How are we supposed to get our fix??

Due to an abundance of tobacco in America, Maryland colonists are now banned from growing it for a whole year. Hopefully there will be larger demand for the crop when the year is over.

They can take our tobacco, but they can NEVER take our freedom!!

Oh wait, we don’t have that either.