Local Indians Attack New Settlement

Filed under: 1607 > Indians > Jamestown > New World > 1600s >

Someone needs to teach these Savages some manners!!

200 Indians attacked Jamestown killing two and wounding ten. The President of Jamestown has ordered that they strengthen the fort and arm the people to help prevent any harm in future attacks.

Sources say:

“Hereupon the President was contented the Fort should be pallisadoed, the ordinance mounted, his men armed and exercised, for many were the assaults and Ambuscadoes of the Savages…”

Thank goodness! At least someone in the New World has some sense in them!!

Disease Epidemic Kills A LOT of Indians

Filed under: 1616 > Indians > New World > 1610s >

Ewwwwww we can smell their dead bodies from here!! 

It’s being reported that a ton of Indians in the New World have died from smallpox. Even though the Indians are dropping dead left and right, our loved ones seem to be doing just fine!

Hmmm, we think it’s weird that our brothers and sisters are unaffected while the Indians are running out of grave plots. God clearly has a plan and it doesn’t involve non-Christians!


Pilgrims Dig Up Indian Graves and Steal Their Maize

Filed under: 1620 > Pilgrims > Indians > 1620s >

What a great way to meet the neighbors!! 

The Pilgrims must have been REALLY hungry because they just walked on over to their neighbors’, the Nauset Indians, and stole their maize!! Then they thought it would be a good idea to dig up some of their graves. They found some really nice dishes and jewelry buried with the bodies, so they just took those too. We hear the Indians are mad!! Wow, SHOCKER!

Leave it to the Puritans to start robbing graves when they are bored. Ewwwww, so nasty!! We hope they at least wore gloves! 

We hate to admit it, but we’re with the Indians on this one. Yuck!

Indians Hold Little Boy for Ransom

Filed under: 1621 > Indians > Pilgrims > 1620s >

O rly??? We can’t say we’re surprised!

The Indians are still mad from when the Pilgrims messed with their dead and stole lots of their maize. So when a little Pilgrim boy, John Billington, got lost and ended up at the Indians' doorstep, they decided a little payback was in order. Apparently they want their maize back in return for the boy.

Hmmm, maize or a little boy?? We’d say this is a no-brainer, but then again, the Pilgrims really have no brains so who knows what they’ll end up doing!!

We hope little Johnny gets home safe!!!!!!

Indians & Pilgrims Throw Amazeballs Dinner Party

Filed under: 1620s > 1621 > Indians > Pilgrims > First Thanksgiving >


O thank God!!

Little Johnny has been safely returned and now the Indians and Pilgrims are BFFs!! They’re such good friends that after a successful harvest they threw a dinner party lasting three days.

Omg, that’s like a 50 course meal!!!

William Bradford described the event:

"They begane now to gather in ye small harvest they had, and to fitte up their houses and dwellings against winter, being all well recovered in health & strenght, and had all things in good plenty; for as some were thus imployed in affairs abroad, others were excersised in fishing, aboute codd, & bass, & other fish, of which yey tooke good store, of which every family had their portion.

Ther was great store of wild Turkies, of which they tooke many, besids venison, they had about a peck a meale a weeke to a person, or now since harvest, Indean corn to yt proportion.”

Stop it Brad, you’re making us hungry!!!! At least save us some leftovers, fatties!! LOLz.

Jamestown Massacre Leaves…


347 English settlers dead! 

Looks like the Indians woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!!

The Indians realized that the settlers aren’t in town for fun, they’re in town to take over their land. Chief Opechancanough, PocaHOntas' uncle, led a series of surprise attacks against the English. Supposedly, the Indians came unarmed into English homes before grabbing whatever weapons they could find and beating them all to death!!!!!

Wowza, the Jamestown settlers could learn a thing or two on friendship from the grave robbing Pilgrims!

Fill In The Blank

Filed under: FIll In The Blank > Indians > 1620s >

Indians like to walk around town naked because _________________.

CW Tucker Poisons 200 Indians After Signing Treaty

Filed under: 1623 > Indians > Jamestown > 1620s >

indian tricked you

We’re not sure if we love him or hate him!

Captain William Tucker of Jamestown concluded peace negotiations with the Powhatan Indians with a toast.

That sounds cute, right?………WRONG!

The drinks they toasted with were actually full of poison! So 200 Indians died on the spot and the English slaughtered 50 more. 

CWT is so bad!! Naughty boy deserves a spanking!!! LOLs.

New World Becomes More Popular, Bla BLaaa etc.

Colonizing the New World is the new black!!

Turns out everyone is ditching England to start life anew in the West. People are colonizing every piece of land they see, including Maryland, Connecticut and Rhode Island.

Everyone is all smiles until the Indians come shooting arrows through their brains!! Have fun with that!

YAWN, this is boring. Where’s the dramz???

Oh Hell No! John Oldham Murdered by Indians

Filed under: 1636 > Indians > 1630s >

WTF Indians?? Can’t you give killing innocent people a rest?

Well respected trader, John Oldham, was attacked on his way to trade with the Indians on Block Island. He and five of his crew died from the attacks.

Ooooh, we hope the Indians are sharpening their tomahawks because the colonists are gonna be pissed!!!