You might as well bury us because we DIED from this news today.
George Washington married his stoopid girlfriend, Martha, 27. MILF Martha already has four children from a previous marriage, who was an old rich guy that died a couple years ago.
Her vajayjay must be HUGE.
At the wedding, Washie wore a blue and silver cloth suit with red trimming and gold knee buckles while MILF Martha wore purple silk shoes with spangled buckles.
Ew. Purple on your wedding day is so tacky!!!
Do U think MILF Martha is good enough for Hawtie Washie?
Maybe if the Brits weren’t so busy showering, they’d have more time to practice war things!!!
The Brits sent Major General Edward Braddock to capture Fort Duquesne and take over the Ohio Country, but he screwed up BIG time. He underestimated just how strong the French and their allies would be. He got shot in the chest and his surviving troops retreated.
On the bright side, George Washington came out of his retirement or whatever to volunteer in the battle.
Just shoot us now!
We can’t even imagine a world where there’s no Hawtie Washie to protect us!!
23-year-old Hawtie Washie quit his job as lieutenant colonel because the Brits dealt a MASSIVE blow to his ego. Those cheap bastards don’t pay enough and they’re now making colonial officers subordinate to ALL Brit officers, regardless of rank.
Now, c’mon Brits. Be reasonable! Give Washie what he wants because, well, HELLO. Just look at that cuh-yoot face!!!
Do we really NEED another reason?!!?
Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!
Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War,” (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).
The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.
Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!
What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????
Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.
After his dumbass Indian friends killed a bunch of innocent Frenchies, Washie built Fort Necessity nearby in anticipation of French retaliation. Even though his Indian allies were responsible for starting the whole mess, they ditched Washington before the French returned for vengeance.
Real cute, Indians. REAL cute.
As predicted, the French DID come back for blood and pretty much destroyed Washington’s troop. The French commander let Washie surrender if he signed a French document admitting to having killed the previous French commander, Jumonville. Hottie Washie signed it, but it was a trick. It REALLY said that Washington confessed to murdering Jumonville even though he had come in peace on a diplomatic mission.
We love you, Washie, but get it together!! STOP signing documents you can’t translate!!!
Get ready for a shockfest!!
George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.
The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and put a hatchet through his skull just because he could.
RUDE!! These Indians have NO social graces.
Before Washie could stop the insanity, his Indian allies killed the remaining French soldiers and scalped them.
We bet the Frenchies back home are gonna llloooovvvee this news!!!!!
We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!
After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and made the Brits leave mid-construction.
And because our Hottie Washie works so hard, he was just promoted to lieutenant colonel of the Virginia militia. He is now leading about 200 Virginians and Indian allies to fight the French.
YAY! Congrats on the promotion, Washie!!! Stay safe!