HAPPY HALLOWEEN, BITCHES!!!!

Filed under: Holidays > Witches >

Yay! We finally get to talk shiz about witches, get fat and wear our sexy Puritan costumes OUTSIDE of the house!!!

Halloween got its start in Europe with the Celtics. They believed that on their New Year’s Eve (October 31st), the world of the dead and living intertwined. In order to scare off the dead from harming their families and crops, the Celtics wore scary costumes to blend in with the ghosts and offered tasty treats for them outside their doors.

Well those days are over, gurl! We are keeping ALL that candy for ourselves!!

What’s UR favorite part of Halloween??????

Salem Witch Accuser Ann Putnam “Apologizes”

Filed under: 1706 > God > Salem Witch Trials > Witches > 1700s >

ann putnam apologizes

We use the word “apology” VERY loosely!!

Ann Putnam, one of the most active accusers in the Salem witch trials, read an apology letter at her church for her involvement in the trials.

She stated in her letter:

"I desire to be humbled before God. It was a great delusion of Satan that deceived me in that sad time. I did not do it out of anger, malice, or ill-will.”

Bitch, please! It’s not an apology if you blame your actions on someone else!!!

Ick!

Reverend John Hale Writes Book to Criticize Salem Witch Trials

Filed under: 1702 > God > Salem Witch Trials > Witches > 1700s >

john hale

Ewwwwww! There’s NOTHING worse than a flip-flopper!!!

The book A Modest Enquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft, written by the now deceased John flip-flopper Hale, has been published. John was one of the most prominent and influential clergymen involved in the 1692 Salem witch trials and was a supporter of persecuting the witches. It seems he apparently changed his mind. 

A Modest Enquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft offers a critique of the trials and suggests that the Devil himself is responsible for everything that went down in 1692 and NOT necessarily the “witches.”

Sounds like SOMEONE had a guilty conscious for hanging all those poor innocent witches people!! We hope for his sake that God accepts this pathetic apology!

Governor of NY Stops the Salem Witch Trials!!!

governor phips

We can’t believe it!

A CUTE governor of New York?!?!

Sir William Phips, the cutie governor of New York, has prohibited further witch arrests in Salem and has ordered the release of accused. We hear all of the imprisoned accused witches will be pardoned as long as they can afford to pay their jail expenses. 

So, let us get this straight: The witches have been WRONGLY jailed but they still have to pay for their jail food and lodging???

Sounds like the mASSholes we know and love!!

Quote of the Day

increase mather

"It were better that Ten Suspected Witches should escape, than that one Innocent Person should be Condemned.”

- Increase Mather, influential Puritan minister

Evidence Used to Accuse Witches No Longer Valid

Filed under: 1692 > Salem Witch Trials > Witches > 1690s >

salem trials

We bet the families of those who have been executed are thrilled to hear this!!!

Influential Puritan minister Increase Mather has denounced the use of spectral evidence in the witch trials. This means that no one can really say that an accused witch’s “shape” came to them and threatened them. Unfortunately, spectral evidence was used and upheld for a majority of the trials.

The argument for or against spectral evidence revolves mainly around the Devil’s permission. Some argue that the Devil needs permission to use a person’s “shape” for his evil-doing, while others insist that the Devil can take anyone’s shape with or without their permission.

Omfg, people.

He’s the Devil!!! He does what he wants!!

Salem Girls Better STFU! Truth Behind Ann Putnam’s Accusations Revealed

Filed under: 1692 > Salem Witch Trials > Witches > 1690s >

pretty little liars

We are hearing the same rumors over and over that Ann Putnam’s parents are actually behind all of her accusations. Supposedly, out of more than the 60 witches Ann has accused, most of them have been linked back to family disputes. In fact, Ann’s parents have accused many witches themselves. 

Well, well. Ain’t THAT shady!!

Nineteen Witches Hanged in Salem

Filed under: 1692 > Witches > Salem Witch Trials > 1690s >

witch trials

Oh. Goodness. Gracious. 

So far, nineteen witches have been hanged for witchcraft. Among those hanged include John Proctor, Martha Corey, Rebecca Nurse and Sarah Good. Surprisingly, those who confessed have been spared. It’s only those who do not admit their guilt that have gone to the gallows.

We’d rather die than be a martyr!!! Sometimes faking it can be a good thing!

LOL!…Or should we say “cackle, cackle”????

Ann Putnam, Jr. Accuses 80-Year-Old Giles Corey of Witchcraft

Filed under: 1692 > Witches > Salem Witch Trials > 1690s >

"giles corey" but not really

Ann claims that the shape of Giles Corey visited her in the night and asked her to sign the Devil’s book. Even more scary, a ghost who claims that he was murdered by Giles haunts Ann at night. Giles, a prosperous farmer and man of the church, refuses to plead guilty or not guilty. He has been thrown in jail.

We find it hard to imagine an 80-year-old man of the church tormenting children!! And who the heck is this murdered guy? Wouldn’t there be some record of a missing person???

Whatever the truth may be, we hope it comes out at his arraignment. 

Never Mind! Servant Mary Takes Back ‘Faking It’ Confession

Filed under: 1692 > Witches > Salem Witch Trials > 1690s >

"mary warren"

In a twist of fate, the judges questioned Mary, servant to Elizabeth and John Proctor, how she could so easily go from being the afflicted to being an accuser. The room seemed to think she looked guilty of witchcraft as well. 

After a really awkward minute or two, Mary went into a fit and yelled at the invisible ”shape” of her boss, Elizabeth, and cried out:

"Thou wicked creature, it is you that stopped my mouth … it shall be known, thou witch.”

It looks like witch Elizabeth Proctor managed to creep into Mary’s soul and force her to confess lies. Mary is once again off the hook while a pregnant Elizabeth and her husband have been sent to jail.

This whole thing is starting to smell reeeaaallyy fishy and we aren’t saying that because we’re witches!!!!