Benjamin Franklin Says, “Join, or Die”!!!!

join or die

When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first 'death threat via newspaper' ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!

Washington Signs Incriminating French Document He Can’t Read

george washington

Silly Washie!

After his dumbass Indian friends killed a bunch of innocent FrenchiesWashie built Fort Necessity nearby in anticipation of French retaliation. Even though his Indian allies were responsible for starting the whole mess, they ditched Washington before the French returned for vengeance.

Real cute, Indians. REAL cute.

As predicted, the French DID come back for blood and pretty much destroyed Washington's troop. The French commander let Washie surrender if he signed a French document admitting to having killed the previous French commander, Jumonville. Hottie Washie signed it, but it was a trick. It REALLY said that Washington confessed to murdering Jumonville even though he had come in peace on a diplomatic mission.

We love you, Washie, but get it together!! STOP signing documents you can’t translate!!!

Sigh.

Washington’s Indian Allies Go Effing NUTS

george washington fml

Get ready for a shockfest!!

George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.

The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and put a hatchet through his skull just because he could.

RUDE!! These Indians have NO social graces.

Before Washie could stop the insanity, his Indian allies killed the remaining French soldiers and scalped them. 

We bet the Frenchies back home are gonna llloooovvvee this news!!!!!

#facepalm

George Washington Preps to Kick French Booty!!!!

george washington

We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!

After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and made the Brits leave mid-construction. 

And because our Hottie Washie works so hard, he was just promoted to lieutenant colonel of the Virginia militia. He is now leading about 200 Virginians and Indian allies to fight the French.

YAY! Congrats on the promotion, Washie!!! Stay safe!

XXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!

First College Fraternity, “Flat Hat Club,” Formed

flat hat society

Why would anyone ever WANT to wear a flat hat?????

Can you say F-U-G-L-Y-!

The very unfashionable men at the College of William and Mary have started some creepy society where they get together, do secret handshakes and talk about undisclosed things. People say the meaning of their frat name derives from the flat hats they wear when they graduate.

HmMmMmM… grown men sneaking around together, drinking beer and being shady…

Um, where does the actual education come into play again?????

Dear Virginia, THIS Sucks! HOrrible Slave Code Passed!

Filed under: 1705 > Slavery > Virginia > Icky Icky Poo >

bullshit slavery

Srsly??? How is slavery STILL acceptable?!?!

The Virginia Slave Code has laid down the law and it ain’t pretty! It declares non-Christian servants entering the colony to be slaves; acquits masters who have killed slaves during punishment; outlaws slaves and free colored peeps from physically assaulting the whites; and prohibits slaves from bearing arms or moving abroad without permission.

And you call that a life??? Even animals have more rights than that!

How long do U give it before the slaves revolt again????

The College of William & Mary Opens

william and mary

Move over, Harvard!!!!

The College of William & Mary, now the second institute of higher learning in America, has been founded in Virginia under a royal charter. Designed to provide education to civil servants and clergymen, the college has been named in honor of the reigning monarchs, King William III and Queen Mary II. James Blair has been named the first President.

If we want to bore ourselves to tears we’ll make sure to visit the campus!!!

Who wants to learn when you can take naps all day instead???

Slaves’ Plot to Murder All White People in Area Uncovered

Filed under: 1687 > Virginia > Slavery > 1680s >

slaves

Yikes.

Apparently slaves have been meeting undercover at slave funerals to plot against the white people around town. The plan was to murder the whites and escape during a mass funeral. When the whites caught wind of it, the leaders of the plan were executed. They have also banned slave funerals to prevent any further undercover plotting.

Murder plots ARE bad, but how can you ban funerals??? You can’t ban people from dying, so that’s just a weird punishment!!

We had a sneaking suspicion people in Virginia weren’t exactly the most yellow kernels on the cob!

So dumb. 

Sir William Berkeley Executes 23 Members of Bacon’s Rebellion

sir william berkeley executes people

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this year!!

Virginia Governor SWB, still pissed that Bacon died from dysentery before he could get his hands on him, hanged 23 of Bacon’s supporters. We hear that King Charles II is telling SWB to leave for England because he’s made too many enemies in Virginia. After all, King Charles II had less people killed for the beheading of his own father!

23 executions is a LOT, don’t U think???

RIP: Nathaniel Bacon

bacon dead from dysentery

Nooooooooooooo!!!!! Our hearts are totally broken!!

Soon after burning Jamestown to the ground, Nathaniel Bacon died of dysentery on October 26th. Bacon’s army of rebels have dispersed and Virginia Governor Sir William Berkeley has returned to power.

We will NEVER love again.