Connecticut and Rhode Island FINALLY Agree on Border

Filed under: 1703 > Connecticut > Rhode Island > 1700s >

rhode island connecticut

Sometimes apologizing is SO much easier than fighting.

These two bitches, Connecticutie and Rhode Not Even a Real Island, have been feuding forever about boundaries. Now the little love birds have agreed upon a common boundary line.

Yay!! Happy endings ALWAYS make us cry!!!

Man’s Prison Bond is FIFTY Pounds for Hurting Wife

Filed under: 1680s > 1683 > Laws > Rhode Island > Unfamous >

woman crying

Violence is NEVER the answer.

Ann Warner of Rhode Island petitioned for a divorce from her husband after he “laid violent hands on her.” Until the Court of Trials could make a decision in the case, she was granted a restraining order. When the case went before the Court of Trials she confessed that she STILL feared for her life. The court has now posted a crazy high bond of 50 pounds.

We hope that dickhead stays behind bars for good!!!

Yuck!

Abraham Butterworth Sent to Prison For Misbehaving

Filed under: 1670s > 1678 > Laws > Rhode Island > Unfamous >

man in jail

No wonder he’s a criminal!! With a name like AbraHAM BUTTERworth, he must have some SERIOUS scars from being bullied.

AbraHAM BUTTERworth of Rhode Island was recently arrested for “Misbehavior in and towards his family.” He was, however, released after he slept with the jury and promised to be good.

He was probably misbehaving because he was so pissed at his family for inheriting a stupid name!!

It’s okay, Ham, it could be worse — your name could be PocaHOntas.

Ha!

Chief Metacomet Killed and Cut Into Pieces

Filed under: 1676 > Rhode Island > Indians > Metacomet > R.I.P. > 1670s >

benjamin church

Ewwww, that’s just plain nasty!

Indian Chief MetaC, who also goes by the name King Philip and recently provoked a war named in his honor, has been killed. A militia led by Captain Benjamin Church and Captain Josiah Standish tracked down MetaC in Rhode Island where he was fatally shot by an Indian named John Alderman. Ben Church ordered MetaC to be beheaded and quartered.

Alderman gave this eulogy before finishing the act:

"You have made many a man afraid of you. But big as you be, I will now chop you up in little pieces."

Well said, Alderman!!! MetaC’s head is now on display in Plymouth.

We find it sooo funny that MetaC’s dad, Chief Massasoit Sachem, was famous for being an ally and friend to the colonists.

In this case, the apple fell 50 bazillion miles from the tree!!!

War Breaks Out Between Indians and Colonists

moose gets killed by indian

How lovely!! Just the thing we wanted to hear! LOLz.

Three Indians have been hanged for murdering John SassyMan, so in retaliation, Chief MetaC (aka, King Philip) is going totally psycho on all of the colonists. He is gathering the support of Indian from tribes all over and are attacking towns in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island

The Indians’ have made everyone aware they are going to:

"…burn every house, destroy every village, kill every white man."

As expected, the ChusettsConnecticutie and R-RhadedIsland are declaring war on the Indians

These cry babies need an intervention!! 

Whose side are U on??? The Indians or the colonists?

Rhode Island Recognized as Colony With a Hippie Charter

Filed under: 1663 > Rhode Island > Connecticut > Indians > 1660s >

hippie king charles ii

Someone give us a barf bag!! All of this hippie shiz is making us sick!!

The Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations has been officially recognized as a colony by the crown. The funny thing is, the royal charter has some wacky provisions.

Firstly, any land used by the colonists should first be purchased from the native Indians. Secondly, it allowed for religious freedom. And thirdly, the people are allowed to elect their own leaders and make their own laws!!

Are we SURE the King approved this???? It sounds to us like someone forged his signature!!!

Geez. And we thought Connecticut had a liberal charter!

Stop The Presses!! HUGE News in America!

Filed under: 1662 > Silly > Rhode Island > 1660s >

limekiln

MASSIVE AMERICAN ANNOUNCEMENT!!

Are you sitting down?? You should be. Now, take deep even breaths. Alright, here it is: This is the first time in American history that … a lime kiln is in use.

SEE!! Told ya it was a big deal!

That means Providence, Rhode Island now has the ability to quickly make lime, which is used as a base for building and stabilizing floors.

History in the making at it’s seXXXiest!! 

Rhode Island Says “No Way Jose” to Slavery!!!!

Filed under: 1652 > Slavery > Rhode Island > 1650s >

rhode island abolishes slavery

We always knew they’d get along!

Unlike the other stoopid and selfish colonies in America, Rhode Island has passed a law making slavery illegal. 

Holy shiz! We really, really hope other colonies can learn from this amazeballs law.

Yay!!!!!


UPDATE: It’s being reported that this law has NOT been enforced. In fact, we hear that Rhode Island now has more slaves than any other colony in America. So sad.

R-Wills Writes a Book on His Love for Indians

Filed under: 1643 > Roger Williams > Indians > Rhode Island > 1640s >

Portrait of Roger Williams

And the bat-shit crayzay award of the week goes to… R-Wills! Only HE would write a nice educational book about the Indians.

R-Wills, founder of Rhode Island, has wrote a book called A Key Into the Language of America. In it he describes Indian languages of New England

SNORE. Oops, sorry, that book sounded so boring we fell asleep!! 

We can’t believe how obsessed with the Indians he is. They’ve probably scalped his relatives in some part of New England

And The Anne Hutchinson Trial Verdict is…

Anne Hutchinson Led From Boston

Guilty!! Shocker.

After realizing what a crazy nutbag Anne Hutchinson is, the Bay Colony of Massachusetts threw her out on the streets. She’s officially banished and is now heading to Providence to join the other crazy nutbag, R-Wills, who believes in “freedom of religion”.

Now they can be crazy together!

Perfect!