Nooooooooooo!!!!! How could this be?!!?
Shortly after learning that we might have a shot at getting with our royal queen King William III, God took him away abruptly from us. He passed away due to complications after getting injured from falling off his horse, Sorrel.
Well there’s the root of the problem right there!!! If you name your horse something as wimpy as Squirrel Sorrel, we can’t blame him for throwing the King off!!!
Only the good die young. RIP.
Tough break, bb!!!
Word of William Kidd’s piracy has travelled back to the people who funded his most recent expedition. In an effort to appear from looking guilty of piracy themselves, they have turned in Kidd for his illegal actions. He was found guilty of murder and piracy and has been executed by hanging.
The people with all the money ALWAYS get off the hook.
RIP.
Sucks.
We’ve learned that 32-year-old Queen Mary II of England, Scotland and Ireland has died from smallpox. In order to prevent the spread of infection, she refused to see anyone who had not previously had the disease, including her own sister. She passed away just after midnight on December 28th.
After his wife’s death, King William III said he has gone from:
“being the happiest…” to “…the miserablest creature on earth.”
We wonder if Mary’s dad is mourning his daughter’s passing. After all, she and her husband DID overthrow him just a few years ago. Talk about serious daddy issues!!!!
Will U be mourning Mary’s death??
We are so saddened by the news we can hardly pull it together to write this.
We’ve just learned that King Charles II, age 54, has passed after suffering a sudden stroke a few days earlier. On his deathbed he converted from his Anglican religion to Roman Catholic. He leaves behind 12 illegitimate children and a wife. His brother, James II, is said to replace him on the throne.
We really liked him because of his religious tolerance, his passion for helping the poor, his belief in giving a decent amount of freedom to the colonies and his don’t-eff-with-me attitude towards the mASSholes in mASSachusetts.
Sad sad.
Ewwww, that’s just plain nasty!
Indian Chief MetaC, who also goes by the name King Philip and recently provoked a war named in his honor, has been killed. A militia led by Captain Benjamin Church and Captain Josiah Standish tracked down MetaC in Rhode Island where he was fatally shot by an Indian named John Alderman. Ben Church ordered MetaC to be beheaded and quartered.
Alderman gave this eulogy before finishing the act:
“You have made many a man afraid of you. But big as you be, I will now chop you up in little pieces.”
Well said, Alderman!!! MetaC’s head is now on display in Plymouth.
We find it sooo funny that MetaC’s dad, Chief Massasoit Sachem, was famous for being an ally and friend to the colonists.
In this case, the apple fell 50 bazillion miles from the tree!!!
Nooooooooooooo!!!!! Our hearts are totally broken!!
Soon after burning Jamestown to the ground, Nathaniel Bacon died of dysentery on October 26th. Bacon’s army of rebels have dispersed and Virginia Governor Sir William Berkeley has returned to power.
We will NEVER love again.
Sadly, we have heard reports that Margaret Brent, a crazy spinster woman who requested the right to vote, has passed away in Virginia at the age of 70.
It’s worth mentioning that her sex life was STILL nonexistent at the time of her death. She died VERY single, giving her only property to her sister, brother and his children.
We can’t imagine she lived a very fulfilled life.
May there be plenty of safe and virtuous sex in Heaven.
Wonder why we haven’t heard about any Indian bloody massacres recently??? Thank Chief Massasoit Sachem.
Sadly, the leader of the Wampanoag Indians has just passed away at around the age of 80. Without Massasoit’s help, it’s rumored that the Plymouth Colony would not have survived. He made peace with the new settlers and shared cooking, fishing and planting techniques with them. One of Massasoit’s sons will replace him.
Let us all take a hit of a very, very large peace pipe in his honor.
R.I.P.
Or don’t R.I.P., we don’t really care!
PocaHOntas’ uncle, Chief Opechancanigetawhatwhat, has finally died. Even though he was like 300 years old, he didn’t die from natural causes. Instead, he was shot in the back by a guard who was supposed to be watching over him in Jamestown.
Omg, that guard is our hero!!!!
And we think it’s HIGHlarious that a murderer got murdered! Such an embarrASSing way to die.
What goes around really does come around.
OMFG.
The Indians rampaged the New Netherland colony where Anne recently moved and scalped her family. The only one spared was Anne’s nine-year-old daughter who was taken captive because the Indians are stoopid enough to have believed that her red hair was a sign or something.
Not surprisingly, the news of her murder was pretty much a relief to Boston.
Reverend Mr. Weld wrote:
“The Lord heard our groans to heaven, and freed us from our great and sore affliction… God’s hand is the more apparently seen herein, to pick out this woeful woman…”
We hope no one from Boston will be speaking at her funeral!!
Violence is NEVER the answer.
