King James II Overthrown By Daughter and Son-in-Law

Filed under: 1688 > King James II > Protestants > 1680s >

queen mary

Well that was rude!!!

King James II’s protestant son-in-law, Wiliam III, invaded England and kicked the King to the curb. He and his wife Mary, AKA the King’s daughter, are going to be the King and Queen.

Baby swapping, throne over-throwings and family backstabbing?!? 

Things haven’t been this interesting in years!

BREAKING: King James II Has First Son (Or Did He???)

Filed under: 1688 > King James II > Catholics > Protestants > 1680s >

king james ii

We smell a conspiracy!!!

Even though everyone in England was disappointed that King James II became a Catholic, no one was too concerned because his only heirs to the throne were his Protestant daughters. However, everyone almost shizzed themselves recently when the King had his first son whom he baptized Catholic. The prospect of a Catholic dynasty in England, Ireland and Scotland is now a startling reality.

But listen to this!!! We’re hearing some CRAZY rumors that the King’s son was actually stillborn and swapped with someone else’s baby!! We hear the King is soooo desperate to secure a Catholic succession to the throne, that this isn’t a very far-fetched idea.

Stay tuned for more deets!!!!

First Mennonites Arrive in America From Germany

german yodelayheehoo

OMG, they’re like termites made out of men!! Weird!!!!

A group of German Mennonites, a Protestant sect who are being persecuted in Europe, have arrived in America to seek religious freedom. William Penn is selling them thousands of acres six miles to the north of Philadelphia. They are calling their new land “Germantown.”

Wunderbar!!! We’d just LOVE to get our schnitzel on!

William Penn and Other Quakers Buy West New Jersey

william penn new jersey

Thank God it’s not East Jersey or we’d lose the beautiful Jersey shore!!

William Penn, along with other Quakers, bought land now known as New West Jersey. New East Jersey still belongs to George Carteret.

Quakerism is a new religious fad sweeping the New World. Also known as the “Religious Society of Friends,” the Quakers believe in a direct and personal relationship with God, the refusal to bear arms and the refusal to bow to any man. 

Our BIGGEST problem with the Quakers is their nickname “Religious Society of Friends.” Are they suggesting that Catholics, Jews and Protestants don’t have friends?????

PS: We SO approve of that faboosh red lip color on Williamina!!

New BFF Alert: Lord Baltimore + King Charles II

lord baltimore

Well, the Protestants may have won the Maryland civil war, but that doesn’t mean shiz now!

The Commonwealth of England has been dissolved and King Charles II has returned to his rightful position as the King of England. Of course, King Charles II won’t allow some bratty Protestant to rule his colony of Maryland, so he’s restored all the power back to the Roman Catholic Lord Baltimore.

Aw. Happy endings ALWAYS make us cry!

The War Results Are In!!!!

Filed under: 1655 > Protestants > Catholics > 1650s >

coin war penis

Because we HATE confusing things, we’ve made the Battle of Severn a little easier to follow:

  • Loyalists of the Commonwealth of England = William Fuller's peeps = Protestants = WINNERS
  • Loyalists to King of England = Lord Baltimore's peeps = Roman Catholics = LOSERS
We know the Protestants won fair and square, but we crossed all of our fingers and toes in the hopes that the Catholics would win. We’re BIG fans of the Pope’s fashion sense!


We’d give ANYTHING to wear that cute little hat for just one day.

CIVIL WAR in Maryland!!!

Filed under: 1655 > Catholics > Maryland > Protestants > War > 1650s >

battle of severn

Guess they aren’t in a merry land after all! HA!

Remember how the Toleration Act (which granted Catholics the right to worship) got repealed in Maryland???

Well now it’s started an ALL-OUT war!!!!

Lord Baltimore, the Lord Proprietor of Maryland who is loyal to the King of England and is also a Roman Catholic, was removed from authority and replaced by William Fuller, a Protestant who is loyal to the new Commonwealth of England.

Now forces loyal to Lord Baltimore are fighting Will Fuller’s posse in the Battle of Severn to win Maryland back.

Ugh. Violence is NEVER the answer.

Who do U think will win the Maryland civil war???

Uh-Oh, Catholics! Protestants Repealed the Toleration Act!

Filed under: 1654 > Maryland > Protestants > Catholics > God > 1650s >

jesus stfu

We smell trouble!

The Protestants have seized control of Maryland again and have repealed the Act that granted Catholics the right to worship. 

We don’t get it. Don’t they both love Jesus and God?? What’s the big effing deal???

Just kiss and make up, you drama queens!!!!

"The Toleration Act" is Passed in Maryland

Filed under: 1649 > God > Maryland > Protestants > Catholics > 1640s >

For the love of GOD, nooooooo!!!!!

Maryland was all scared because the Protestants seized control of the mostly Catholic colony. The Catholics took back control and wanted to KEEP control. With The Toleration Act, the Protestants have to stop hating on the Catholics by law.

The law grants freedom of worship to Christians who believe in the Trinity of God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. Thankfully, the law doesn’t apply to ALL religions because you can still be executed for not believing the divinity of Jesus or the Trinity. 

Ugh, we do NOT like where all this religious freedom stuff is going.

As always, we will pray for your souls.