First History Book Published in America

Filed under: 1669 > Indians > Pilgrims > 1660s > Firsts >

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History books??? Talk about Yawn Fest 1669.

Nathaniel Morton has published the first comprehensive history book about Plymouth Colony. Most of the information in the book has been based on the writings of Morton’s uncle, former Governor of Plymouth Colony, William Bradford.

It’s probably filled with Indian wars and stupid Pilgrim stuff. If only Nathan published a book on juicy Pilgrim gossip…

We’d be first in line to buy it!!!

Mystic Massacre Kills Mostly Women & Children

Filed under: 1637 > Pilgrims > Indians > 1630s >

Pilgrims Murder Indians

Ummm, we can’t believe we’re saying this but we are really sad for the Indians.

Captain John Mason, along with Naragansett and Mohegan allies, set fire to the Pequot Indians' village to avenge the murder of John Oldham. Even though the village contained mostly women and children, John ordered his troops to kill anyone that tried to flee the fire. Over 600 Pequot died.

C’mon, bb! Why’d you have to kill women and children??? Absolutely deplorable.

We hope the Indians have learned their lesson for murdering innocent Pilgrims. May there be peace between everyone from now on.

Jamestown Massacre Leaves…

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347 English settlers dead! 

Looks like the Indians woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!!

The Indians realized that the settlers aren’t in town for fun, they’re in town to take over their land. Chief Opechancanough, PocaHOntas' uncle, led a series of surprise attacks against the English. Supposedly, the Indians came unarmed into English homes before grabbing whatever weapons they could find and beating them all to death!!!!!

Wowza, the Jamestown settlers could learn a thing or two on friendship from the grave robbing Pilgrims!

Indians & Pilgrims Throw Amazeballs Dinner Party

Filed under: 1620s > 1621 > Indians > Pilgrims > First Thanksgiving >

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O thank God!!

Little Johnny has been safely returned and now the Indians and Pilgrims are BFFs!! They’re such good friends that after a successful harvest they threw a dinner party lasting three days.

Omg, that’s like a 50 course meal!!!

William Bradford described the event:

"They begane now to gather in ye small harvest they had, and to fitte up their houses and dwellings against winter, being all well recovered in health & strenght, and had all things in good plenty; for as some were thus imployed in affairs abroad, others were excersised in fishing, aboute codd, & bass, & other fish, of which yey tooke good store, of which every family had their portion.

Ther was great store of wild Turkies, of which they tooke many, besids venison, they had about a peck a meale a weeke to a person, or now since harvest, Indean corn to yt proportion.”

Stop it Brad, you’re making us hungry!!!! At least save us some leftovers, fatties!! LOLz.

Indians Hold Little Boy for Ransom

Filed under: 1621 > Indians > Pilgrims > 1620s >

O rly??? We can’t say we’re surprised!

The Indians are still mad from when the Pilgrims messed with their dead and stole lots of their maize. So when a little Pilgrim boy, John Billington, got lost and ended up at the Indians' doorstep, they decided a little payback was in order. Apparently they want their maize back in return for the boy.

Hmmm, maize or a little boy?? We’d say this is a no-brainer, but then again, the Pilgrims really have no brains so who knows what they’ll end up doing!!

We hope little Johnny gets home safe!!!!!!

Pilgrims Dig Up Indian Graves and Steal Their Maize

Filed under: 1620 > Pilgrims > Indians > 1620s >

What a great way to meet the neighbors!! 

The Pilgrims must have been REALLY hungry because they just walked on over to their neighbors’, the Nauset Indians, and stole their maize!! Then they thought it would be a good idea to dig up some of their graves. They found some really nice dishes and jewelry buried with the bodies, so they just took those too. We hear the Indians are mad!! Wow, SHOCKER!

Leave it to the Puritans to start robbing graves when they are bored. Ewwwww, so nasty!! We hope they at least wore gloves! 

We hate to admit it, but we’re with the Indians on this one. Yuck!

Pilgrims Say Peace Out England and Get on Mayflower

Filed under: 1620 > 1620s > New World > Pilgrims > Mayflower >

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You can run, but you can’t hide!!!!

Over 100 Pilgrims have left England for the New World to seek religious freedom. As practicing Puritans, they were condemned by society for their disloyalty to the Church of England. Apparently their ship, the Mayflower missed the Virginia colony and ended up in some place called Cape Cod.

Excuse the British for trying to save their souls! And we don’t understand why it’s soooo hard to sail across the ocean. Isn’t that right up there with learning how to milk a cow???

We’ll be surprised if they make it through winter. God Bless your souls bitches!