“The people are grown very wild and loose in their morals. Ah, fuck it. Let’s pAArty.”

-Peter Stuyvesant, former Director-General of New Netherland and a major figure in New York City history

Peter Stuyvesant’s luck has finally run out!!!

The Hawk Faced Director-General of New Amsterdam was surprised to see four British Navy ships sail into port and demand that he surrender. Since the Dutch settlement didn’t want to brutally lose to the Brits, the pansy hobbled out of New Amsterdam on his wooden leg and gave the reigns to King Charles II’s brother, AKA the Duke of York. In his honor, they renamed the land New York Shitty City.

Those greedy little Brits just can’t get enough! Next thing you know, they’ll rename it from “America” to “England is The Best EVER, Bitches!!”

OMG, is this for real????

John Bowne was arrested on the orders of Peter Stuyvesant, the governor of New Netherland, for hosting a Quaker meeting at his house. Hawk Face was mad because John refused to pay a fine for his actions, so Hawky deported him to Holland even though John is of English descent and speaks no Dutch.

We know we shouldn’t laugh but this is TOO funny. Poor John will never be able to learn that funny language! 

Ick Eh Noodle Der Stoodle Schluk Kook Schlag!!!!!!!!

That doesn’t mean anything but, then again, the Dutch language is probably all gibberish too!! LOL!

Peter Stuyvesant is up to his old rotten ways again.

The unpleasant and unloving Hawk Face, Director-General of New Netherland, has banned the playing of tennis during religious services.

This is a tragedy. We LOVED playing tennis during church!!! Now when are we going to get our game in — when we need to be plucking the chickens???

Unbelievable.

OoOoOoh, in yo’ face, Peter Stuyvesant!!!

It’s no secret that Director-General of New Netherland hates the Quakers, but his people can no longer tolerate his stoopid face it! A bunch of citizens have signed the Flushing Remonstrance, which asks exemption from Hawk Face’s ban on Quaker worship.

Fun fact: None of the signers are Quakers themselves!

The petition states:

“Therefore if any of these said persons come in love unto us, we cannot in conscience lay violent hands upon them, but give them free egresse and regresse unto our Town … for we are bounde by the law of God and man to doe good unto all men and evil to noe man.”

Hmmm, brave stuff!!

How do U think Hawk Face will take his citizens’ backlash????

UPDATE: Hawk Face has immediately thrown four signers in jail and two other signers have already recanted. UGH, the nerve!!!!

Big bully Peter Stuyvesant, the Director-General of New Netherland, is on another meanie rampage. This time he’s ordered the public whipping of Robert Hodgson, a 23-year-old Quaker convert who has become an influential preacher in the area.

We don’t care for the Quakers either but we would never physically hurt them!!

For goodness sake, Hawk Face! Why don’t you run along like a good little boy and take your aggression out on a pillow or a bucket of ice cream instead????

This guy needs to be put in a loony bin.

He has some serious anger issues!

The Dutch, under the direction of Hawk Face, have attacked the nearby colony of New Sweden. Apparently they easily kicked New Sweden’s ass and it’s now incorporated as part of the New Netherland colony.

We don’t know about you, but we don’t give a shizdoodle about the Swedes or the Dutch. If it’s that easy to take over a colony, maybe we’ll invade all of them and take over America!!

Team King Hamilton forever!!!!!!!

This is a good thing, no????

Jew hater of Manhattan Island, Peter Stuyvesant, has prohibited Jews from serving alongside fellow New Netherland citizens in the military. Furthermore, Hawk Face has the chutzpah to make the Jews pay a “freedom” tax for NOT serving in the military.

Still, that sounds like a bargain to us!

Where can we buy a menorah in America???? We just might convert!!!!

Ewww look at his hawk nose!

Peter Stuyvesant, the guy with the wooden leg, is now Director-General of New Netherland. He replaces his predecessor, Willem Kieft, who got fired for massacring the Indians.

Hawk Face wrote about the new position:

“I shall govern you as a father his children.”

Newsflash, Hawk Face, no one likes their dad!! They’re strict and mean!!! Sounds like SOMEONE has some serious daddy issues. 

God save the people of New Netherland.

We’d fire his dumb ass too!

Director-General of New Netherland, Willem Kieft, has been fired for doing EVERYTHING wrong. He massacred 120 local Indians without approval from his advisory council and against the wishes of his colonists. The attack has sparked an all out war.

David de Vries described the disturbing attack:

“Infants were torn form their mother’s breasts, and hacked to pieces in the presence of their parents, and pieces thrown into the fire.”

They have FINALLY signed a peace treaty and Peter Stuyvesant, a guy with a wooden leg, has been named Will’s successor.  

Good effing job, Will. Now everyone hates you!