The Brits Trick the Indians and Send Them Smallpox Blankets

Filed under: 1763 > Smallpox > pennsylvania > Indians >

Better think twice before bundling up in that comfy blanket!!! LOL.

Recently, the Indians began attacking the Brits’ Fort Pitt in Pennsylvania. Colonel Bouquet was about to lead an expedition to help the men at Fort Pitt when he received an interesting letter from General Amherst suggesting the use of smallpox as a weapon.

Intrigued, Bouquet wrote back:

I will try to inoculate the bastards with some blankets that may fall into their hands, and take care not to get the disease myself.”

The blankets were removed from dead British soldiers and, ridden with smallpox, were distributed to the Indiansunder the false pretense that they wanted to “renew their friendship.”

And if you REALLY need us to spell it out for you, the disease has spread furiously throughout the Indian tribes.

Wow, and we thought WE were bitchy!!!!

These Brits are bad, bad boyz!!!!

A Douche Writes a Love Poem to Pennsylvania

Filed under: 1756 > 1750s > Poetry > Pennsylvania > God >

Oopsies, did we say douche??? We meant Duché, as in Jacob Duché!

Duché loves his home so much that he even wrote it a love poem describing its natural beauty. He creatively titled it, “Pennsylvania: A Poem.

Five gold stars, douche Duché!!

A word of advice: When you’re so lonely that you woo Mother Nature, it’s time to leave the house and get laid.

What???? 

We won’t tell God if you won’t!!!!!

Benjamin Franklin Says, “Join, or Die”!!!!

join or die

When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first 'death threat via newspaper' ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!

BJ Franky Franks Attempts Suicide by Lightning

kite experiment benjamin franklin

OK, OK… our sources claim he’s not REALLY suicidal - just cray cray.

Benjamin Franklin must have been feeling quite emo courageous the other day, because he and his bastard son went flying kites during a thunderstorm to prove his theory of “electricity.” He believes that lightning carries an electrical charge that can be transferred to other objects.

To prove this, he attached a key to the end of a kite string that connected to a Leyden jar (a device that stores electrical charge). He kept his end of the string dry so that electricity would not carry all the way through and strike him dead. He succeeded.

We’re also hearing rumors that BJ made his son risk his life running around in the rain while he stayed out of harm’s way in a barn.

Wow. He really is a smart guy.

A bastard’s life is ALWAYS more disposable!!!

U Penn Founded by Smarty Pants BJ Franky Franks

ben franklin

Lurning is in da haus!!!!!! Lolololol.

Benjamin Franklin was searching for a site where he could open a public academy for higher learning in the Philly area. He discovered that a charity school in the area lacked funding and was vacated, so it was the best option for BJ’s new project.

Unlike other schools around (Harvard, William and Mary, and Yale), BJ Franky Franks wants this institution to offer more than just religious education. He’s proposing the curriculum also include practical skills and arts.

As much as we think this is a great idea, these good deeds don’t disguise the fact that he has an illegitimate child.

If doing nice things washed away sins, we’d be the friggin’ Pope!

How Far Did One Man Go to Steal From the Indians?

Filed under: 1737 > Pennsylvania > William Penn > 1730s > Indians >

penis pennsyalvania

70 miles to be exact!!! 

William Penn’s heirs found an old deed from the Lenape indians that promised land starting from the Delaware River to “as far west as a man could walk in a day and a half.”

The sneaky devils then got the three fastest runners and had them “walk” for a day and a half so the Penn family could get as much land as possible. One guy covered 70 miles, resulting in 1,200,000 acres!!!!

Dayum!!! The Lenape must be soooooooo mad.

The’re probably casting crazy indian spells on that speed walker right now!

Benny Frank Franks Creates Volunteer Fire Department

benjamin franklin fire

Thank GOD he can put out a fire, because this pic of Benjamin Franklin is burning us up!!!

Benny Frank Franks helped form the Union Fire Company in Philadelphia. This came about after he and others pointed out in his newspaper, The Pennsylvania Gazette, that there should be a better way to handle local fires. Each member of the fire department pays for his own fire fighting equipment, including buckets and bags, that they have to bring to each fire.

Philanthropy is just soooooo in these days. 

Do U think Benny looks good in uniform???

A River Ferry Leads to Drama!!!

Filed under: 1730 > Maryland > Pennsylvania > 1730s >

wrights ferry

Weirder things have happened!

Pennsylvania and Maryland have been bitching over a border dispute for years. It started when The Pennsylvania Charter of 1681 laid out some boundaries that were apparently inaccurate, so Maryland’s been fighting it ever since.

When John Wright made a ferry to cross the Susquehanna River this year, Pennsylvanians started inhabiting the disputed land. To challenge Wright, a Maryland guy named Thomas Cresap built his own ferry nearby. Maryland granted Cresap ownership over the disputed land and he’s making everyone living there pay up. 

The disputed territory is only a 28 mile strip. 

These selfish bitches need to learn some manners and share!

William Penn’s Wife is Committing SHADY Crimes

Filed under: 1710s > 1712 > Pennsylvania > Quakers > William Penn >

william penn

MMMmmmm, gurl!!! We do NOT like the sound of this!!

Quaker hippie William Penn, best known for founding the Province of Pennsylvania, has been struck with some nasty brain problem that has rendered him incapable of talking or taking care of himself. Since then his wifey, Hannah, is said to be signing important Pennsylvania documents on the vegetable’s William Penn’s behalf.

Sooooooooo sketchy!!! If he can’t communicate what he wants, then it’s definitely illegal for her to sign things for him!!!!!

Do U think it’s okay that William Penn’s wifey is signing important documents without his permission??

Smallpox Epidemic Breaks Out in Philly

Filed under: 1699 > Pennsylvania > 1690s >

smallpox 1699

Yikes!

A large outbreak of the deadly smallpox disease has spread throughout Philadelphia. We hear new colonists coming over from Europe are guilty of bringing the disease to America. Smallpox is HIGHLY contagious, so doctors recommend staying away from the infected at all costs.

Ewww, that disease makes people SO ugly looking! We are NOT going outside until that the disease has left America!!!