Harvard College Founded in New World

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So FUNgasmic!! We’re already really smart, but can we go too?!?!

Now men in the New World have a place to go in Massachusetts if they want to formally learn. John Harvard donated his whole entire book collection and half of his fortune to the new college so the founders named it after him. 

We could donate our favorite feather quill if they want to name it after us instead. Hamilton College sounds sooooo much better!

Just a thought!

A WOMAN Founds a Town in New World

elizabeth poole founds the town of Taunton

There are no words. 

Elizabeth Poole is now the first WOMAN to have founded a town in the New World. If you’re interested in wasting your time visiting the town, it’s called Taunton in Massachusetts. It’s rumored that she purchased the land from the Indians for some beans and a jackknife. 

We wonder how many of her townspeople they’ll stab with that jackknife? LOL.

First it was Anne Hutchinson and now Liz. Why do these women keep stepping out of their place in society??

Must be something in the New World water.

Teenager Sentenced to Death for Bestiality

Filed under: 1640s > 1642 > New World > Unfamous >

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Kids these days!! 

Thomas Granger, a teenager no more than 17 years old, has been sentenced to death by hanging for an unspeakable crime. He pleaded guilty to “buggery with a mare, a cowe, two goats, divers sheepe, two calves, and a turkey”.

He’s the first juvenile to be sentenced to death in the New World.

Ewwwwww. That is just nasty!!!

King Charles I Gives Colonists Right to General Assembly

Filed under: 1630s > 1639 > New World > King Charles I > Royals >

king charles i not giving a shit

That’s a bold move!! 

King Charles I is now allowing British colonies in the New World to call their own General Assembly. That means the colonists can now partially self-rule themselves. 

We’re SHOCKED that he thinks they’ve done a good enough job to start semi-ruling on their own!! Now the real question is, is King Charles I really just lazy???

Let the hard-pAArtying fun begin, New World!!!

The Printing Press Comes to the New World

Filed under: 1638 > New World > Indians > Thomas Hooker > 1630s >

Guy Working First Printing Press in America

FINALLY, just what the New World needed: printed books!! Because that’ll protect them from the Indians when they sleep at night! Ha!

Even though the printing press has been around Europe for quite some time, it has now made its way to the New World. The main goal of the move is to help “spiritually enlighten” the colonists. 

We bet that Hooker has one reserved for his church already!

New World Becomes More Popular, Bla BLaaa etc.

Colonizing the New World is the new black!!

Turns out everyone is ditching England to start life anew in the West. People are colonizing every piece of land they see, including Maryland, Connecticut and Rhode Island.

Everyone is all smiles until the Indians come shooting arrows through their brains!! Have fun with that!

YAWN, this is boring. Where’s the dramz???

Pilgrims Say Peace Out England and Get on Mayflower

Filed under: 1620 > 1620s > New World > Pilgrims > Mayflower >

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You can run, but you can’t hide!!!!

Over 100 Pilgrims have left England for the New World to seek religious freedom. As practicing Puritans, they were condemned by society for their disloyalty to the Church of England. Apparently their ship, the Mayflower missed the Virginia colony and ended up in some place called Cape Cod.

Excuse the British for trying to save their souls! And we don’t understand why it’s soooo hard to sail across the ocean. Isn’t that right up there with learning how to milk a cow???

We’ll be surprised if they make it through winter. God Bless your souls bitches!

Disease Epidemic Kills A LOT of Indians

Filed under: 1616 > Indians > New World > 1610s >

Ewwwwww we can smell their dead bodies from here!! 

It’s being reported that a ton of Indians in the New World have died from smallpox. Even though the Indians are dropping dead left and right, our loved ones seem to be doing just fine!

Hmmm, we think it’s weird that our brothers and sisters are unaffected while the Indians are running out of grave plots. God clearly has a plan and it doesn’t involve non-Christians!

Thoughts??

True Love??

Filed under: 1614 > Icky Icky Poo > New World > Pocahontas > 1610s >

We bet his first wife is crying in Heaven after hearing this news!

John Rolfe, well-known for planting the first tobacco crops in the New World, is marrying the daughter of a local Indian chief. As if marrying the enemy isn’t bad enough, his fiancé isn’t even Christian!!

Here’s an excerpt from a letter he wrote to the father of the bride:

“Motivated by the honor of our country, for the Glory of God, for my own salvation… namely PocaHOntas, to whom my hearty and best thoughts are, and have been a long time so entangled, and enthralled in so intricate a labyrinth that I was even a-wearied to unwind myself thereout.”

Barf. We all know he just wants some ass without looking like a sinner! Say your prayers, Johnny!