Boston Massacre Happened Because of a WIG!!!!!

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Bad hair days make us want to murder people, too!

We JUST found out that the whole fight that caused the deaths of multiple mASSholes occurred because a wigmaker’s apprentice accused a Brit solider of not paying his wig bill. Turns out that the Brit actually paid up earlier that day.

Oopsies.

If wrongly accusing innocent people and triggering a historical bloody massacre isn’t enough to get you fired, we don’t know what is!!!

John Adams Joins the Boston Massacre Dramz

And the plot thickens!

Governor Thomas Hutchinson of mASSholeChusetts had British Captain Thomas Preston and eight of his soldiers arrested for the incidents of March 5th. A town meeting was held at Faneuil Hall where people demanded that the Brits leave Boston and also have Captain Thomas Preston and his men put on trial for murder. 

Obvi, no one wanted to defend a murdering douchebag Cap’n Kill’m Preston, so he had no choice but to beg lawyer John Adams to do the dirty work. In the interest of a fair trial, John Adams surprisingly agreed. 

You remember Pervy John Adams, right??? The perv who married his cousin?

This guy is just FULL of shockers!!!

It’s a Boston Massacre on King Street!

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Why, we ask you! WHY!!!

To provide some background, the British Army have been stationed in Boston since 1768 to help enforce crappy British taxation laws. Now we’re hearing whispers that a mASShole got mouthy with a British soldier, so the soldier whacked the dude’s head with a musket.

Shortly after, a crowd formed around the musket jerk and they began bitching and throwing shiz. After awhile of this dramz, the soldiers fired into the crowd without orders, killing five and injuring six others!

Bullying is wrong, but responding with violence and murder is just immature! If we killed everyone who made fun of us, half of New Jersey would be a ghost town!!!!

We’ll provide updates as they come in.

Until then, stay safe, mASSholes!

Americans Hang and Burn Fake Man in Protest of Stamp Act

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…Sometimes we just have no words for these news stories. LOL!

Pissed off by the Stamp Act, Americans wanted to send a message to the Brits that they are NOT okay with the new law. They recently hung an effigy of mASSachusetts' stamp distributor, Andrew Oliver, under an Elm tree (nicknamed “Liberty Tree”). They then took the mock body to Andy’s house where an angry mob beheaded and burned it on his lawn. Unsurprisingly, Andy resigned the next morning. 

Since this protest was so successful, we got a feeling that it won’t be the last.

British Parliament must be shaking in their knickers!!!!!

The Great Fire of Boston Destroys the City

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Ugh! What a buzzkill.

If you didn’t already know, the city of Boston is primarily built out of wooden structures packed very closely together. When a series of small fires broke out, it proved to be devastating. Within just three days, 349 buildings were destroyed while thousands were left homeless. Thankfully, no one was killed.

Fire is SO scary!!!

No wonder the Devil loves it so much!!!!

The Earth Had a Dance Party in mASSachusetts!!!

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Most people would call it an earthquake, but we’d like to think mASSachusetts was just raging to some Bach!!! LOL.

mASSachusetts was in for quite a shock the other day because it experienced its worst earthquake EVER. More than a thousand chimneys were damaged in nature’s attack. 

GASP.

Like most townsfolk, we bet the quake was a result of immoral behavior, but Harvard 'I think I'm so smart' professor John Winthrop has another theory — something to do with, “heat and chemical vapors inside the surface of the earth.”

Puh-lease. Gurlfriend’s just looking for an excuse to keep sinning.

Go ahead, Winthrop, get on with yo’ bad Devil-loving-self!

Ha!

Benjamin Franklin Says, “Join, or Die”!!!!

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When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first 'death threat via newspaper' ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!

BREAKING XMAS NEWS: Get Paid to Kill Wild Animals!

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Holy shiz! That’s SOOO newsworthy!!!!!

At least that’s what the Boston Gazette thinks, because that’s basically their front page headline this Christmas.

The new law they’re referring to authorizes, “the killing of Wolves, Bears, Wild Cats, and Catamounts within the Province.” The law rewards the following:

  • Every grown wolf: 4 pounds
  • Every baby wolf: 40 shillings
  • Every grown wild cat: 10 shillings
  • Every baby wild cat: 5 shillings

Hey, who are we to judge?? Santa’s gotta pay for those presents somehow!!!!!! 

Merry ChristopherColumbusmas!!!

Samuel Adams, Beer Maker, Rides Daddy’s Coattails into Public Office

Filed under: 1747 > 1740s > Samuel Adams > Boston > Massachusetts >

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WARNING! This MASShole is a serious HAWT mess alert!!!!

Drunky Adam’s daddy is a very important Boston political figure who is heavily involved in an organization called the Boston Caucus. With the Boston Caucus’s backing, Drunky Adams landed a job as a clerk in the Boston market. 

Before daddy got him the sweet gig, our sources say that Drunky Adams lost all the money his daddy loaned him and, after that FAIL, began working as a partner in the family’s malthouse. 

So, just to recap, Drunky Adams squandered away his money, made a ton of beer, and now has a job in politics because of daddy???

Sounds like a true American to us!!!

Boston’s Faneuil Hall Opens to the Public

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We better get the horses ready, cuz we want to see this in the flesh!!

After years of talking about it, Boston has opened a public marketplace donated by wealthy resident Peter Faneuil. Artist John Smibert built Faneuil Hall in the style of an English country market, with the first floor as a market and second floor as an assembly room. 

Our sources claim that most mASSholes didn’t even want the market and it barely gained a majority vote!!!

Morons. Don’t they know - the more places to shop, the better!!!