Soon after Chief Massasoit Sachem died, his son Metacomet began leading the Sachem Indians. MetaC has been so buddy-buddy with the locals that he even adopted a European name, “King Phillip”, and buys his white people clothing in Boston.
Sadly, the Puritans have become paranoid that the Indians are taking over, so they’ve ordered MetaC to surrender a lot of his weaponry and agree to English law. Reluctantly, MetaC agreed.
The Plymouth Colony wouldn’t have even survived without the kindess of MetaC’s dad!! We bet Chief Massasoit Sachem is rolling over in his grave. Or part of him, anyway. The Puritans probably dug up his body and stole his jewelry.
Well, they’ve done it before!!!
The nerve of some people!!
Poor Massachusetts native, Rachel Clinton, is suing her brother-in-law because he has been keeping her father’s inheritance of thirty pounds.
She wanted compensation so that:
“She may not be forced to wander from house to house like an Indian or bruit beast.”
She’s got a point. Bruit beasts are the worst!!!
No man should ever take a woman’s money. We hope she gets the inheritance she deserves and he learns his lesson.
Sigh. Boys will ALWAYS be boys.
Ooooh, we wish we could see the look on the King’s face!!
King Charles II has demanded the colonies to swear loyalty to the crown and allow for freedom of religion, but a disobedient Massachusetts refuses to comply. To remedy this, the King has sent over commissioners to force them to change their minds, but so far they have been unsuccessful.
The King must be pissed!!! We don’t see what the big deal is. Just swear loyalty and make fun of him behind his back!!
We do that kind of stuff ALL the time.
UPDATE: The King’s people have just contacted us. Unable to make Massachusetts budge, the commissioners have returned to England and the King is too busy dealing with a war between England and Holland to pursue the matter any further… for now.
Holy smokes!!! That is SOOOOO scary!!!!
A huge earthquake has shaken all of New England, with most of the damage being reported in Boston. The shaking was so bad that chimneys toppled over and floors collapsed! People are supposedly rushing to church now because the end could be near.
We think we’ll join them and then go get a haircut. We want to look our best when we meet God!!!
What do U think the sinners did to trigger the earthquake???
They should have renamed the colony ConnectiCUTIE!!!
John Winthrop, Jr., the son of the founding governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, followed in daddy’s footsteps. Connecticut, which was unrecognized by the crown, was scared it would lose its independence and be sucked into total control like other New England colonies. So, JW Jr. sweet-talked the English attorney general into granting Connecticut a legal charter with an UNUSUAL degree of self-government.
The real question is, what did JW Jr. do to get the English attorney to agree to such liberal terms???
Hmmm, we will leave that one to your imagination….
We know ours sure is wandering!!!
Welp! News like this always makes us hold our breath.
If you haven’t already heard from your pastor, shoesmith or neighbor, there have been some SERIOUS updates to laws on slavery around the colonies.
First of all, Virginia enacted a hereditary slavery law, so if the mother is a slave her child will also be a slave. Also in Virginia, if a Christian has sex with a black man or woman, they will pay some heavy duty fines. Finally, blacks in Massachusetts are no longer allowed to train in arms.
Dayum, we better start saving up!!! After all, once you go black, you…
Have to pay some heavy duty fines!!
It’s about time someone noticed!!
King Charles II in England is shocked that Massachusetts has been killing Quakers left and right. The King has officially forbid Massachusetts from executing any more Quakers and he’s ordering that all imprisoned Quakers be released.
Aw, that was nice of him! This makes us actually MISS having the watchful eye of the monarchy close by!!
Well, maybe only a little bit. LOLz.
Sooooooo lame!
To defy the anti-Quaker law in Massachusetts, Mary Dyer returned to Massachusetts where she was banned along with Anne Hutchinson 22 years earlier. When she was caught for being a Quaker, and therefore breaking the law, she was given an ultimatum: repent and be banished again or don’t repent and be hanged. She chose the latter.
She is among four people hanged in Boston for being a Quaker. Her body is buried in an unmarked grave.
Sad sad.
Boston’s like, “We warned you!!!”
Marmaduke (seriously — that’s his name????) Stephenson and Will Robinson went to Massachusetts to protest the ban on Quakers. Sadly they were thrown in jail and banished.
But then, out of sheer stoopidity, they returned to Massachusetts where they were AGAIN thrown in jail and eventually hanged.
Let’s hope they didn’t die in vain and SOMEONE can learn from their mistakes.
Tsk, tsk.
They just keeping popping up out of nowhere!!!
Ann Hibbins, a wealthy widow from Boston, has been hanged for witchcraft. Suspicions started when she sued some carpenters who worked on her home because she thought they overcharged her. While she won the case, her behavior was viewed as abrasive.
Well, that’s all the evidence we need! You just can’t take ANY chances.
We guess we’ll go to church for the fifth time today and pray the witches away…
