Wow, these New Yorkers sure have a WILD imagination!
Wall Street has been built in lower Manhattan along a wall that was built in 1653. As you might recall, the 12-foot wall was built by the Dutch to keep out the Indians and Brits. They are now laying out streets in the area including the ingeniously named Wall Street.
SO clever!! We wonder what they’ll build next.
Maybe Street St.????
Sayonara, British suckers!!!
After just one day of demanding the Brits surrender New York City, the Dutch have successfully taken back the capitol of the colony under the direction of Admiral Cornelis Evertsen the Younger. We hear they have plans to rename the land “New Orange.”
Everyone really wants a piece of New York’s fine ass, but we’re not really sure why. Can’t the Dutch just take over the west side of America?? Then everyone would be happy!!
Do U think the Dutch should have reclaimed NYC?
Holy cow!
A Dutch battle fleet of 23 ships JUST arrived in New York City harbor, trying to take back the land they claim is rightfully theirs. Just a few years ago, the Brits forced the Dutch to surrender New York and it looks like the Dutch are back with a vengeance.
Geez, we hope they surrender without a fight. If there’s anything worse than war, it’s getting blood on perfectly good clothes.
We will be thinking of their hats, coats and shoes in the dark days to come.
OMG, we can finally stop writing our cousin’s birthday letter a year in advance!! We were getting confused on how old he REALLY is!
New York Governor Francis Lovelace has announced there will be a monthly mail service betweenNew Yorkand Boston. They’ve come a long way since the first post office opened 33 years ago.
Ooooh, maybe we can invite our friends over in three months. We better start getting the house ready!!!
Ohhh no they didn’t!!
Unless you’re brain dead, you know that the bloody Beaver Wars have been raging for years now. It all started when the Dutch and English encouraged the Iroqouis Indians, led by the Mohawks, to expand their territory so they could monopolize on the fur trade. In other words, the Iroqouis were encouraged to beat the shiz out of other Indian tribes to steal their land so they could trade fur for Europan goods, like liquor.
Recently, the Iroqouis lost their their Dutch allies after the English took over New York and the English stopped trusting the bloodthirsty Iroqouis because, well, they’re insane. With a lack of support, the Beaver Wars quieted down… until now.
The Iroquois have now brutally forced the Mannahoac tribe out of the northern Virginia area!!!
Oh, did we mention that the Iroqouis EAT THEIR VICTIMS????
We would NEVER go through all that trouble just to get some beavers!!
“The people are grown very wild and loose in their morals. Ah, fuck it. Let’s pAArty.”
-Peter Stuyvesant, former Director-General of New Netherland and a major figure in New York City history
Brueckelen??? That’s a funny name!! We’ll pronounce it “Brooklyn” because that’s easier to say.
“Brooklyn” is now officially chartered as a part of New Netherland by Governor Matthias Nicoll.
Ooooh, we’ve been to there once! There were a lot of Jews and yummy food. MmMmMmmm… just thinking about it makes us drool.
Mazel tov, Brooklyn!!!
Peter Stuyvesant’s luck has finally run out!!!
The Hawk Faced Director-General of New Amsterdam was surprised to see four British Navy ships sail into port and demand that he surrender. Since the Dutch settlement didn’t want to brutally lose to the Brits, the pansy hobbled out of New Amsterdam on his wooden leg and gave the reigns to King Charles II’s brother, AKA the Duke of York. In his honor, they renamed the land New York Shitty City.
Those greedy little Brits just can’t get enough! Next thing you know, they’ll rename it from “America” to “England is The Best EVER, Bitches!!”
OoOoOoh, in yo’ face, Peter Stuyvesant!!!
It’s no secret that Director-General of New Netherland hates the Quakers, but his people can no longer tolerate his stoopid face it! A bunch of citizens have signed the Flushing Remonstrance, which asks exemption from Hawk Face’s ban on Quaker worship.
Fun fact: None of the signers are Quakers themselves!
The petition states:
“Therefore if any of these said persons come in love unto us, we cannot in conscience lay violent hands upon them, but give them free egresse and regresse unto our Town … for we are bounde by the law of God and man to doe good unto all men and evil to noe man.”
Hmmm, brave stuff!!
How do U think Hawk Face will take his citizens’ backlash????
UPDATE: Hawk Face has immediately thrown four signers in jail and two other signers have already recanted. UGH, the nerve!!!!
Big bully Peter Stuyvesant, the Director-General of New Netherland, is on another meanie rampage. This time he’s ordered the public whipping of Robert Hodgson, a 23-year-old Quaker convert who has become an influential preacher in the area.
We don’t care for the Quakers either but we would never physically hurt them!!
For goodness sake, Hawk Face! Why don’t you run along like a good little boy and take your aggression out on a pillow or a bucket of ice cream instead????
