Daniel “Boom Me” Boone Has Been Captured by Indians!!!!!

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NOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!! Someone plz save our Booney!

Boom Me Boone and his brother-in-law were out and about being awesome when they were attacked and captured by Indians. Boone was also captured earlier this year but he was eventually released. This time, he may not be so lucky.

We hope Boone will get out safely! Otherwise, who will we think about at night before we go to sleep?? Whose last name can we doodle onto ours??? Who will we send our naked self-portrait Valentine’s Day cards to?!?!!?

Indians can be SO mean!

UPDATE: Boome Me Boone and his bro-in-law have escaped!!!!! YAY! Beauty AND brains!!! *dreamy sigh*

Benjamin Franklin Talks Smack About the Paxton Boys!!

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Oh, but he DID!!!

BJ Franky Franks went on the record via newspaper to tell the world how much he disapproves of the Indian-killing Paxton Boys

Our hero!! We just got sooOooOo turned on. LOL!

And, after learning the government has actually been protecting the surviving peaceful Indians, the PB decided to march into town to give everyone a piece of their brainless minds.

But don’t worry! Our sources claim that BJ Franky Franks met them outside of town and negotiated peacefully with them. Then, the PB turned around and went home.

Suckas!

Don’t you EVA come back!!!!

A Buncha Dicks, “The Paxton Boys,” Murder Peace-loving Indians

Filed under: 1763 > Paxton Boys > Indians > Conestoga > Christian > God > Bible >

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YUCK!!!! This is the most disgusting thing we’ve heard all year!!

After the French and Indian War, a big wave Scots-Irish immigrants moved onto Indian land. They are claiming that the Indians raid their homes, steal their stuff and even kill innocent people. For revenge, Reverend John Elder gathered a militia and viciously attacked a tribe of the Susquehannock, who are primarily Christian and have lived happily near their European neighbors for many decades. 

Wait. A REVEREND organized to murder a bunch of fellow Christians for revenge???

We aren’t religious scholars or anything, but we think he’s reading from the wrong Bible!!

The Brits Trick the Indians and Send Them Smallpox Blankets

Filed under: 1763 > Smallpox > pennsylvania > Indians >

Better think twice before bundling up in that comfy blanket!!! LOL.

Recently, the Indians began attacking the Brits’ Fort Pitt in Pennsylvania. Colonel Bouquet was about to lead an expedition to help the men at Fort Pitt when he received an interesting letter from General Amherst suggesting the use of smallpox as a weapon.

Intrigued, Bouquet wrote back:

I will try to inoculate the bastards with some blankets that may fall into their hands, and take care not to get the disease myself.”

The blankets were removed from dead British soldiers and, ridden with smallpox, were distributed to the Indiansunder the false pretense that they wanted to “renew their friendship.”

And if you REALLY need us to spell it out for you, the disease has spread furiously throughout the Indian tribes.

Wow, and we thought WE were bitchy!!!!

These Brits are bad, bad boyz!!!!

God Tells Indian Prophet to Stop Drinking and Having Sex

Filed under: 1761 > 1760s > Indians > God >

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We don’t know who your God is, but our God would NOT be cool with this!

Neolin, the “Delaware Prophet” of the Lenape (or as the Brits like to call him, “The Imposter”), went on a no-eating diet for a long time and basically hallucinated his life’s purpose. He was told to go see the “Master of Life" (basically God) who said the path to Heaven could only be reached by rejecting European and American ways.

In other words, don’t drink, don’t cheat, don’t have sex PERIOD, live by bow and arrow, and dress in all animal skins. 

Ew. Animal skins are soooooooo inhumane, Master of Life!!! And, seriously, we’d bet you five quill pens that “The Imposter" was created from a little liquid courage. Do you want to DESTROY the whole human race?!?

Master L, you craycray, gurl!!!!!!

16-Year-Old Girl Kidnapped and Brainwashed by Indians

Ewww.

She probably eats bugs now or whatever those hippies eat!

Mary Jemison was captured by the Shawnee Indians and sold to the Senecas. Her family wasn’t so “lucky,” because they were killed and scalped pretty soon after their capture. Mary was adopted into the Indian tribe and given the new name, DehgEwANUS.

Dehg-ew-anus?????? Leave it to the Indians to mess up a name!

Word on the street is EwAnus is adapting nicely into her new fam and will soon marry.

Uh-huh. Good luck with that, bb!

The Indians Eff Up More Military Operations

For once, we wish the Indians would just surprise us and actually DO what they’re told!!

After days of fighting, the British finally surrendered Fort William Henry to the Frenchies. The terms of the surrender included that the Brits also peacefully withdraw from another one of their forts, Fort Edward, while the French military protected them. 

SO, guess what happens next???

The French-Indians said, bitch plz! They went against the agreement, killing and scalping a TON of defenseless Brits who were evacuating Fort Edward.

And we thought WE had anger issues.

Can anyone recommend a good therapist for the entire Indian population???

The Brits Burn a Zillion Calories in Battle of Lake George

Filed under: 1755 > French and Indian War > War > 1750s > Indians >

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After getting their asses handed to them earlier this year, the Brits finally got to say, “Told ya so!” when they defeated the French in battle. 

Ugh, LOVE that feeling!

Pissed that the Frenchies have been taking over America, the Brits sought to destroy one of their key forts, Fort St. Frédéric. At first, the Frenchies were winning, but when their Indian allies refused to attack their fellow Indians inside the British troop, things got a little cray-cray.

Basically, the Brits ended up winning the battle even though they didn’t take over Fort St. Frédéric.

Moral of the story, the Indians screwed over everyone else again. We know, we know… you’re SO shocked!!!

LOL.

Washington Signs Incriminating French Document He Can’t Read

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Silly Washie!

After his dumbass Indian friends killed a bunch of innocent FrenchiesWashie built Fort Necessity nearby in anticipation of French retaliation. Even though his Indian allies were responsible for starting the whole mess, they ditched Washington before the French returned for vengeance.

Real cute, Indians. REAL cute.

As predicted, the French DID come back for blood and pretty much destroyed Washington's troop. The French commander let Washie surrender if he signed a French document admitting to having killed the previous French commander, Jumonville. Hottie Washie signed it, but it was a trick. It REALLY said that Washington confessed to murdering Jumonville even though he had come in peace on a diplomatic mission.

We love you, Washie, but get it together!! STOP signing documents you can’t translate!!!

Sigh.

Washington’s Indian Allies Go Effing NUTS

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Get ready for a shockfest!!

George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.

The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and put a hatchet through his skull just because he could.

RUDE!! These Indians have NO social graces.

Before Washie could stop the insanity, his Indian allies killed the remaining French soldiers and scalped them. 

We bet the Frenchies back home are gonna llloooovvvee this news!!!!!

#facepalm