A Buncha Dicks, “The Paxton Boys,” Murder Peace-loving Indians

Filed under: 1763 > Paxton Boys > Indians > Conestoga > Christian > God > Bible >

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YUCK!!!! This is the most disgusting thing we’ve heard all year!!

After the French and Indian War, a big wave Scots-Irish immigrants moved onto Indian land. They are claiming that the Indians raid their homes, steal their stuff and even kill innocent people. For revenge, Reverend John Elder gathered a militia and viciously attacked a tribe of the Susquehannock, who are primarily Christian and have lived happily near their European neighbors for many decades. 

Wait. A REVEREND organized to murder a bunch of fellow Christians for revenge???

We aren’t religious scholars or anything, but we think he’s reading from the wrong Bible!!

God Tells Indian Prophet to Stop Drinking and Having Sex

Filed under: 1761 > 1760s > Indians > God >

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We don’t know who your God is, but our God would NOT be cool with this!

Neolin, the “Delaware Prophet” of the Lenape (or as the Brits like to call him, “The Imposter”), went on a no-eating diet for a long time and basically hallucinated his life’s purpose. He was told to go see the “Master of Life" (basically God) who said the path to Heaven could only be reached by rejecting European and American ways.

In other words, don’t drink, don’t cheat, don’t have sex PERIOD, live by bow and arrow, and dress in all animal skins. 

Ew. Animal skins are soooooooo inhumane, Master of Life!!! And, seriously, we’d bet you five quill pens that “The Imposter" was created from a little liquid courage. Do you want to DESTROY the whole human race?!?

Master L, you craycray, gurl!!!!!!

A Douche Writes a Love Poem to Pennsylvania

Filed under: 1756 > 1750s > Poetry > Pennsylvania > God >

Oopsies, did we say douche??? We meant Duché, as in Jacob Duché!

Duché loves his home so much that he even wrote it a love poem describing its natural beauty. He creatively titled it, “Pennsylvania: A Poem.

Five gold stars, douche Duché!!

A word of advice: When you’re so lonely that you woo Mother Nature, it’s time to leave the house and get laid.

What???? 

We won’t tell God if you won’t!!!!!

America is Drinking Beer and Going to Church Because…

Filed under: 1750s > 1753 > God > Holidays > Ireland > St. Patrick's Day > Firsts >

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It’s just another day!

LOL, JK… it’s St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!

America has adopted the Irish holiday that commemorates Saint Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland who converted the people to Christianity. On March 17th, St. P-Diddy’s deathday, the people drink, drink, drink until they puke, pray, eat and wear shamrocks. St. P-Diddy is said to have used the green clover to explain the Holy Trinity to non-Christians.

Oh, and did we mention St. P-Diddy WASN’T EVEN IRISH???? He was born and raised in Britain before being kidnapped by the Irish and turned into a slave. 

Lovely!

Let’s cheers to that!!

The College of New Jersey AKA Princeton Founded

Filed under: 1740s > 1746 > God > Ivy League > New Jersey > Princeton > Education >

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Lordy, Lordy!!! Dirty Jersey actually WANTS to learn??? 

New Light Presbyterians have founded the institution in order to train ministers. Right now the place of higher learning is in Elizabeth, New Jersey, but we hear it will be moving to Princeton in the next decade.

We don’t know why any holy person would want to live in such a filth hole. This is probably the Devil’s doing!!!

You couldn’t pay us enough to go!!

Quote of the Day

Filed under: God > Quote of the Day > 1740s >

"Lord, stamp eternity on my eyeballs. @#$%^&*, owww!!! Dayum, Lord, I wasn’t serious!!!!! This is so NOT cool.

- Jonathan Edwards, Christian preacher and theologian

Music Minute: Handel Composes ‘Messiah’

Filed under: 1741 > Music Minute > Bible > God > Handel > 1740s >

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Hallelujah!!!!!!

One of our FAVE composers (no offense, Bach) has done it again!!!

This time, his amazeballs “Messiah" is rocking churches all over the world. George Frederic Handel composed the masterpiece with the help of his BFF, Charles Jennens, who compiled scriptural text from the Book of Common Prayer and the King James Bible. The text follows the Messiah from his days as a prophet to his eventual resurrection and glorification in Heaven.

Omg, it’s like a musical version of the Bible. GENIUS!

LISTEN TO OUR FAVORITE PART HERE!!!!!!!
LISTEN TO OUR FAVORITE PART HERE!!!!!!!
LISTEN TO OUR FAVORITE PART HERE!!!!!!!
LISTEN TO OUR FAVORITE PART HERE!!!!!!!

Quote of the Day

Filed under: 1709 > Quote of the Day > 1700s > God >

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"Wife and servant are the same, but only differ in the Name. So no, I won’t make you a God d*mn sandwich.”

- Lady Mary Chudleigh in her poem The Ladies Defense

Separated at Birth

Filed under: 1707 > God > Portrait > Separated at Birth > 1700s >

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Either God made a boo-boo not making these QTs brothers or they are seriously destined for a bromance!

The hawt French painter, Hyacinthe Rigaud, painted portraits for both Charles Honoré d’Albert de Luynes (left) and Jean-Paul Bignon (right) during the same year. 

That Hyacinthe has some magical fingers. We wonder what else his hands could do…

LOLz!!

Salem Witch Accuser Ann Putnam “Apologizes”

Filed under: 1706 > God > Salem Witch Trials > Witches > 1700s >

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We use the word “apology” VERY loosely!!

Ann Putnam, one of the most active accusers in the Salem witch trials, read an apology letter at her church for her involvement in the trials.

She stated in her letter:

"I desire to be humbled before God. It was a great delusion of Satan that deceived me in that sad time. I did not do it out of anger, malice, or ill-will.”

Bitch, please! It’s not an apology if you blame your actions on someone else!!!

Ick!