Sadly, we have heard reports that Margaret Brent, a crazy spinster woman who requested the right to vote, has passed away in Virginia at the age of 70.
It’s worth mentioning that her sex life was STILL nonexistent at the time of her death. She died VERY single, giving her only property to her sister, brother and his children.
We can’t imagine she lived a very fulfilled life.
May there be plenty of safe and virtuous sex in Heaven.
The horror!
John Lewis and Sarah Chapman from Connecticut have been accused of, “sitting together on the Lord’s Day under an apple tree in Goodman Chapman’s Orchard.”
This is supposedly the SAME John Lewis who was tried for, “absenting himself at unreasonable hours of the night, to the great grief of his parents.”
He was probably with Sarah Chapman then, too!! Something tells us this ho WON’T be wearing white on her wedding day.
Shady, shady!!
How did we not know about this??? We SO would have auditioned!
The play, “Ye Bare and Ye Cubbe”, which was performed in a tavern in Virginia, broke many laws. First, the performance of a play is a crime. Second, it was performed on the Sabbath. Lastly, it is a politically charged play that supposedly pokes fun at the crown of England.
The cast was soon arrested and forced to perform the play in court. Thankfully, the court ruled the play harmless.
We just lovveee the theater!!! Shakespeare is our God! Not literally, of course. We don’t go to church to pray to Shakespeare.
LOLOLOL.
Holy smokes!!! That is SOOOOO scary!!!!
A huge earthquake has shaken all of New England, with most of the damage being reported in Boston. The shaking was so bad that chimneys toppled over and floors collapsed! People are supposedly rushing to church now because the end could be near.
We think we’ll join them and then go get a haircut. We want to look our best when we meet God!!!
What do U think the sinners did to trigger the earthquake???
Well that was a waste of ink!!! They probably can’t even read their own language!
John Eliot, a Puritan missionary to the Indians, translated the New Testament so the Indians could be saved. It is now the first published Bible in America. It’s rumored the Old Testament will be published within the next couples years.
You know what they say — you can’t teach an old Indian new religion.
SAM!!! You naughty boy!
Sam Clarke got in trouble for, “Hankering about on men’s gates on Sabbath evening to draw company out to him.”
We’ve even heard rumors that he was trying to get the attention of the ladies.
Getting laid on the Lord’s day?!? What an attention whore.
Learning about other people’s lives… that sounds fun!
John Norton, a hardcore Puritan, has published the first biography in America based on the great Puritan leader John Cotton. Cotton is well-known for his religious influence in New England, turning his back on the banished and outspoken Anne Hutchinson, as well as his banishment of Roger Williams who was first to believe in separating Church and State.
REJOICE!!! There’s such a shortage of religious books and religious people, we were going crazy!!
We can FINALLY stop reading cooking recipes in our spare time!!
OoOoOoh, in yo’ face, Peter Stuyvesant!!!
It’s no secret that Director-General of New Netherland hates the Quakers, but his people can no longer tolerate his stoopid face it! A bunch of citizens have signed the Flushing Remonstrance, which asks exemption from Hawk Face’s ban on Quaker worship.
Fun fact: None of the signers are Quakers themselves!
The petition states:
“Therefore if any of these said persons come in love unto us, we cannot in conscience lay violent hands upon them, but give them free egresse and regresse unto our Town … for we are bounde by the law of God and man to doe good unto all men and evil to noe man.”
Hmmm, brave stuff!!
How do U think Hawk Face will take his citizens’ backlash????
UPDATE: Hawk Face has immediately thrown four signers in jail and two other signers have already recanted. UGH, the nerve!!!!
Our favesies dead Hooker, Thomas Hooker, has had his work published post-mortem. The Application of Redemption doctrine details in over 400 pages how a sinner’s conversion into the arms of God is a lengthy process, not something accomplished overnight.
Over 400 pages of reading and THEN a lengthy conversion????? Thank God we’ve never sinned a day in our life!!!
Ha!
Oooooh, scandalous!!!!!
A Boston man, Captain Kemble, returned home after three years at sea and kissed his wife in public on the Sabbath. This is a BIG no-no, so he was sentenced to sit in the stocks for two hours for his “lewd and unseemly behavior”.
God is ALWAYS watching… and so are your narc neighbors.
LOL.
