Major George Washington Gets Sassy with the French

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We just LOVE a man in uniform!!!

Major Hottie George Washington was ordered to deliver a letter to the French telling them to GTFO of Ohio because Britain already claimed it. And guess what?? The Frenchies are saying NO!

Now Major Hottie Washington is on a mission to befriend local Indians to gain their human shields support in case the Brits and Frenchies cat fight over Ohio.

Oh, and did we mention he is SINGLE??? But back off, ladies, he’s ours!!!! 

Mrs. Perez Washington… we LOVE it!

LOLz!

George Washington Preps to Kick French Booty!!!!

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We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!

After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and made the Brits leave mid-construction. 

And because our Hottie Washie works so hard, he was just promoted to lieutenant colonel of the Virginia militia. He is now leading about 200 Virginians and Indian allies to fight the French.

YAY! Congrats on the promotion, Washie!!! Stay safe!

XXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!

Washington’s Indian Allies Go Effing NUTS

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Get ready for a shockfest!!

George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.

The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and put a hatchet through his skull just because he could.

RUDE!! These Indians have NO social graces.

Before Washie could stop the insanity, his Indian allies killed the remaining French soldiers and scalped them. 

We bet the Frenchies back home are gonna llloooovvvee this news!!!!!

#facepalm

Washington Signs Incriminating French Document He Can’t Read

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Silly Washie!

After his dumbass Indian friends killed a bunch of innocent FrenchiesWashie built Fort Necessity nearby in anticipation of French retaliation. Even though his Indian allies were responsible for starting the whole mess, they ditched Washington before the French returned for vengeance.

Real cute, Indians. REAL cute.

As predicted, the French DID come back for blood and pretty much destroyed Washington's troop. The French commander let Washie surrender if he signed a French document admitting to having killed the previous French commander, Jumonville. Hottie Washie signed it, but it was a trick. It REALLY said that Washington confessed to murdering Jumonville even though he had come in peace on a diplomatic mission.

We love you, Washie, but get it together!! STOP signing documents you can’t translate!!!

Sigh.

The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED

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Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!

Yuck!

Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War," (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).

The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.

Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!

What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????

Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.

Could This be the End for George Washington?!

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Just shoot us now!

We can’t even imagine a world where there’s no Hawtie Washie to protect us!!

23-year-old Hawtie Washie quit his job as lieutenant colonel because the Brits dealt a MASSIVE blow to his ego. Those cheap bastards don’t pay enough and they’re now making colonial officers subordinate to ALL Brit officers, regardless of rank. 

Now, c’mon Brits. Be reasonable! Give Washie what he wants because, well, HELLO. Just look at that cuh-yoot face!!!

Do we really NEED another reason?!!?

The Smelly Frenchies DESTROY the Brits

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Maybe if the Brits weren’t so busy showering, they’d have more time to practice war things!!!

The Brits sent Major General Edward Braddock to capture Fort Duquesne and take over the Ohio Country, but he screwed up BIG time. He underestimated just how strong the French and their allies would be. He got shot in the chest and his surviving troops retreated.

On the bright side, George Washington came out of his retirement or whatever to volunteer in the battle.

Yay!!

Nooooooooo!!!!! Hawtie Washie Marries Martha Dandridge Custis!!!!

You might as well bury us because we DIED from this news today.

George Washington married his stoopid girlfriend, Martha, 27. MILF Martha already has four children from a previous marriage, who was an old rich guy that died a couple years ago.

Four kids???????

Her vajayjay must be HUGE. 

At the wedding, Washie wore a blue and silver cloth suit with red trimming and gold knee buckles while MILF Martha wore purple silk shoes with spangled buckles.

Ew. Purple on your wedding day is so tacky!!!

Do U think MILF Martha is good enough for Hawtie Washie?

Quote of the Day

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“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her. Wait… where do these feelings come from? Why do I think so highly of my mother? Is it possible that I was sexually abused as a child and therefore emotionally compensate by suppressing those memories with grandeur delusions of love and loyalty? I feel so frightened. So very frightened…”

- George Washington

The Verdict is In!!!!!!!!

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Well, mostly.

Pervy John Adams made a strong case to protect the Brit soldiers accused of murdering a bunch of innocent peeps in the Boston Massacre. He argued that they were acting in self defense and, worst case, they were guilty of only manslaughter.

Just like Hawtie George Washie — whenever we imagine him without a shirt, that man just SLAUGHTERS us! 

Anywaysies, only two soldiers were found guilty of manslaughter because evidence showed that they fired directly into the crowd.

And the punishment for this murderous act??? The worst… the most UNBELIEVABLE punishment of them all… the branding of the…

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O, the HORROR!!!!!!!