Seven Years’ War Ends with the Treaty of Paris

Good thing we’ve been on the Starvation Diet this week, because we are gonna stuff our faces with crumpets to celebrate!!

In the Treaty of Paris, France had to let go of all its territory on the North American mainland. The British received the land east of the Mississippi, while Spain received everything to the west. France had already secretly given Louisiana to Spain in the Treaty of Fontainebleau.

Au revoir, bitches!! It was nice knowing ya and your fatty macaroons!!!!

Whose peace party are U going to attend???

INTERCEPTED!!! Louisiana Goes Slutty in Top Secret Treaty of Fontainebleau

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Ummmmm, guys. This is bigger than Martha Washington’s hairdo!!!!!!

The Brits kicked France’s booty in The Battle of Signal Hill in 1762, which basically confirmed the Brits as the official controllers of Canada. In the secret treaty that followed this battle, “Treaty of Fontainebleau,” France gives (GASP!) Louisiana to Spain.

France is keeping this land exchange hidden from the Brits because they are sneaky little snakes.

Secrets, secrets are no fun… but they sure make for good gossip!!!!!!!!

LOLOL.

It’s the FALL of MontreAL

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Yay, we made a rhyme!!!

We’re hearing that the Frenchies surrendered Montreal to the Brits, basically handing over control of French Canada. As the Brits approached with their army to nab the powerful city, the Frenchies pretty much peed their pants and their governor, Pierre de Rigaud de Vaudreuil de Cavagnal, Marquis de abcdefghijklmnop Vaudreuilraised, raised the white flag.

Wow, the governor actually made the right call! It’s ALWAYS smarter to let go of your ego than allow for senseless bloodshed.

Ummmmm, wait. Did we just side with the Frenchies?!?!?!

Either shoot us or hand over a pair of those HOT French shoes to make us feel better!

LOLz!!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Britain Seizes Quebec in the Battle of the Plains of Abraham

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Try saying that 10x fast!!!! 

This pivotal battle, AKA “The Battle of Quebec,” was fought on farmer Abraham Martin’s property just outside Quebec city. 

Poor Abe!! He probably went outside to feed the cows and found a freaking war on his lawn. LOL!

The siege took place over three months, but the actual battle only lasted a measly 15 minutes. Both the British leader, James Wolfe, and the French leader, Louis-Joseph de Montcalm, were mortally wounded in the attack.

THANK GAWD!! Brits rule, Frenchies DROOL!!!!!

Brits Steal from the French in the Siege of Louisbourg

Mee-ow!

These Brits are getting feisty!!!!

In order to gain easy access to all of Atlantic Canada, the Brits set out to siege control of the French Fortress of Louisbourg. After days of going at it, the pansy French finally surrendered. 

With Louisbourg out of the way, we have a feeling that Quebec will be next.

It’s “aboot” time!! We are SO over the French and their MAJOR ‘tude!

#TeamBrits forever!!!!!

16-Year-Old Girl Kidnapped and Brainwashed by Indians

Ewww.

She probably eats bugs now or whatever those hippies eat!

Mary Jemison was captured by the Shawnee Indians and sold to the Senecas. Her family wasn’t so “lucky,” because they were killed and scalped pretty soon after their capture. Mary was adopted into the Indian tribe and given the new name, DehgEwANUS.

Dehg-ew-anus?????? Leave it to the Indians to mess up a name!

Word on the street is EwAnus is adapting nicely into her new fam and will soon marry.

Uh-huh. Good luck with that, bb!

The Brits Burn a Zillion Calories in Battle of Lake George

Filed under: 1755 > French and Indian War > War > 1750s > Indians >

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After getting their asses handed to them earlier this year, the Brits finally got to say, “Told ya so!” when they defeated the French in battle. 

Ugh, LOVE that feeling!

Pissed that the Frenchies have been taking over America, the Brits sought to destroy one of their key forts, Fort St. Frédéric. At first, the Frenchies were winning, but when their Indian allies refused to attack their fellow Indians inside the British troop, things got a little cray-cray.

Basically, the Brits ended up winning the battle even though they didn’t take over Fort St. Frédéric.

Moral of the story, the Indians screwed over everyone else again. We know, we know… you’re SO shocked!!!

LOL.

The Smelly Frenchies DESTROY the Brits

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Maybe if the Brits weren’t so busy showering, they’d have more time to practice war things!!!

The Brits sent Major General Edward Braddock to capture Fort Duquesne and take over the Ohio Country, but he screwed up BIG time. He underestimated just how strong the French and their allies would be. He got shot in the chest and his surviving troops retreated.

On the bright side, George Washington came out of his retirement or whatever to volunteer in the battle.

Yay!!

Could This be the End for George Washington?!

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Just shoot us now!

We can’t even imagine a world where there’s no Hawtie Washie to protect us!!

23-year-old Hawtie Washie quit his job as lieutenant colonel because the Brits dealt a MASSIVE blow to his ego. Those cheap bastards don’t pay enough and they’re now making colonial officers subordinate to ALL Brit officers, regardless of rank. 

Now, c’mon Brits. Be reasonable! Give Washie what he wants because, well, HELLO. Just look at that cuh-yoot face!!!

Do we really NEED another reason?!!?

The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED

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Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!

Yuck!

Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War," (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).

The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.

Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!

What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????

Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.