First Public Library in America Founded

Filed under: 1650s > 1653 > Massachusetts > Witches > Firsts >

Books penis

Lucky Bostonians! We just LOVE the smell of books!!!!

Massachusetts has opened its first public library to educate the peopleabout intolerance, death and slavery. 

We hope they lock the section on magic so the witches don’t get to it! 


First Jews Come to America

Filed under: 1654 > Jews > 1650s > Firsts >

first jews in america

And mazel tov to you all!

Fearing inquisition in Brazil, 23 Jews have fled to seek refuge in New Amsterdam, AKA Manhattan Island. Unfortunately, they have not been warmly welcomed by Governor Peter Stuyvesant.

Hawk Face actually tried to expel the Jews immediately but his bosses at the Dutch West India Company in Amsterdam overruled his decision. In fact, several directors at the Dutch West India Company are Jewish themselves.

How embarrassing!!! It’s like that one time we told our neighbor we didn’t like grey horses and then found out he owned a grey horse!


John Casor is the First Slave “For Life”

Filed under: 1654 > Slavery > 1650s > Firsts >

john casor is the first official life long slave in america

This is just NOT a happy ending.

Anthony Johnson took his runaway servant, John Casor, to court. He persuaded the court to believe that John was a slave - NOT an indentured servant. The court ordered John to return to Anthony forever, making him the first in the 13 colonies to be legally recognized as a slave for life. 

A lifetime is a LONG time.


John Norton Writes First Biography in America

john cotton

Learning about other people’s lives… that sounds fun!

John Norton, a hardcore Puritan, has published the first biography in America based on the great Puritan leader John Cotton. Cotton is well-known for his religious influence in New England, turning his back on the banished and outspoken Anne Hutchinson, as well as his banishment of Roger Williams who was first to believe in separating Church and State.

REJOICE!!! There’s such a shortage of religious books and religious people, we were going crazy!! 

We can FINALLY stop reading cooking recipes in our spare time!!

First Kosher Butcher in America

Filed under: 1660 > 1660s > Indians > Jews > Firsts >

kosher diet

We’ve been hearing all about this trendy new “Kosher" diet.

Now we can actually try it!!!!!!

A Jew by the name of Asser Levy is now the first Kosher butcher in America. His shop is in New Amsterdam along that street with the really big wall (constructed to defend from the Dutch and the Indians).

This is a big step for the Jews, having their own butcher and all!

We’ll try anything if it makes us skinny!!!

America’s First Bible Written in Indian Language

Filed under: 1661 > God > Indians > John Eliot > 1660s > Firsts >

confused indians watching pilgrim guy

Well that was a waste of ink!!! They probably can’t even read their own language!

John Eliot, a Puritan missionary to the Indians, translated the New Testament so the Indians could be saved. It is now the first published Bible in America. It’s rumored the Old Testament will be published within the next couples years. 

You know what they say — you can’t teach an old Indian new religion.

Yikes! First Major Slave Uprising in America!!

Filed under: 1663 > Virginia > Slavery > 1660s > Firsts >

slaves uprising

We knew all hell would break loose sooner or later!

Our sources say both white servants and black slaves in Gloucester County, Virginia schemed to cause harm to their owners and break free, but they were ratted out before the plan was successful by one of their own. An indentured servant named Berkenhead received 5,000 pounds of tobacco and freedom for tattling on his fellow conspirators.

5,000 pounds?! That should last him a couple of days!

Supposedly, their bloody heads now sit on the chimney tops of houses as a warning to others. Ew!!

We hope Berk the Jerkenhead is happy living off his tobacco with the blood of his brothers and sisters on his hands. 

Cast Performing First English Play in America Arrested

Filed under: 1665 > God > Virginia > 1660s > Firsts >

first play queen smells like farts

How did we not know about this??? We SO would have auditioned!

The play, “Ye Bare and Ye Cubbe”, which was performed in a tavern in Virginia, broke many laws. First, the performance of a play is a crime. Second, it was performed on the Sabbath. Lastly, it is a politically charged play that supposedly pokes fun at the crown of England.

The cast was soon arrested and forced to perform the play in court. Thankfully, the court ruled the play harmless.

We just lovveee the theater!!! Shakespeare is our God! Not literally, of course. We don’t go to church to pray to Shakespeare


First Hurricane Strikes America

Filed under: 1667 > Virginia > 1660s > Firsts >

hurricane what a great description


A very serious storm has hit the shores of America, with most of the damage occurring in  Virginia. The hurricane, which lasted more than 24 hours, has destroyed an estimated 10,000 homes. Crops, cattle and ships were also lost.

Ya know, one time we made a drink called a “hurricane” and it was amazeballs!!! We got REALLY wasted, but we had so much fun that night!!!

Maybe this hurricane is a good thing too, Virginia. At first it will really eff you up, but then you’ll be happy it happened!!!

First History Book Published in America

Filed under: 1669 > Indians > Pilgrims > 1660s > Firsts >

new england memorial

History books??? Talk about Yawn Fest 1669.

Nathaniel Morton has published the first comprehensive history book about Plymouth Colony. Most of the information in the book has been based on the writings of Morton’s uncle, former Governor of Plymouth Colony, William Bradford.

It’s probably filled with Indian wars and stupid Pilgrim stuff. If only Nathan published a book on juicy Pilgrim gossip…

We’d be first in line to buy it!!!