SeXXXy Explorer Daniel Boone Blazes 1st Trail from NC to TN

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Hot dayum!! He can blaze our trail any day of the week!!!!

Daniel “Boom Me” Boone is being a rugged, seXXXy mountain man and going where no man has gone before: America’s backsidecountry!

Boom Me Boone is en route to Kentucky with five other men to do manly things like hunt and explore. Along the way, he has blazed the first trail between North Carolina and Tennessee

Take us with you, Boone! We promise we’ll behave!!!

…OK, that was a lie, LOL.

We can’t help it! He makes us feel soooo naughty!!!!!!

New York City Founds First College

columbia university

Mmm, MmmMm, MmmMmmm… nothing keeps us warm at night like some good ‘ol fashioned learning!

After getting super jeal that New Jersey founded its own college (Princeton University), New York decided they wanted one, too. King’s College is now the first institution of higher learning in all of New York.

Loves it!

Benjamin Franklin Says, “Join, or Die”!!!!

join or die

When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first 'death threat via newspaper' ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!

America is Drinking Beer and Going to Church Because…

Filed under: 1750s > 1753 > God > Holidays > Ireland > St. Patrick's Day > Firsts >

st patricks day

It’s just another day!

LOL, JK… it’s St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!

America has adopted the Irish holiday that commemorates Saint Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland who converted the people to Christianity. On March 17th, St. P-Diddy’s deathday, the people drink, drink, drink until they puke, pray, eat and wear shamrocks. St. P-Diddy is said to have used the green clover to explain the Holy Trinity to non-Christians.

Oh, and did we mention St. P-Diddy WASN’T EVEN IRISH???? He was born and raised in Britain before being kidnapped by the Irish and turned into a slave. 

Lovely!

Let’s cheers to that!!

First College Fraternity, “Flat Hat Club,” Formed

flat hat society

Why would anyone ever WANT to wear a flat hat?????

Can you say F-U-G-L-Y-!

The very unfashionable men at the College of William and Mary have started some creepy society where they get together, do secret handshakes and talk about undisclosed things. People say the meaning of their frat name derives from the flat hats they wear when they graduate.

HmMmMmM… grown men sneaking around together, drinking beer and being shady…

Um, where does the actual education come into play again?????

First Multi-Page Newspaper Published in America and Immediately Destroyed

Filed under: 1690 > Massachusetts > God > Firsts >

Publick Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick

Good riddance. We can’t stand reading!!!

Boston’s Publick Occurrences Both Forreign and Domestick, AKA the first multi-page newspaper published in America, has been shut down before it could print its second round of newspapers. The paper did not have permission from the English Crown to be printed, so they banned it and destroyed every undistributed copy.

Thank God they shut down the dumb paper and not Perez Hamilton!!!!

America needs us!

First Mennonites Arrive in America From Germany

german yodelayheehoo

OMG, they’re like termites made out of men!! Weird!!!!

A group of German Mennonites, a Protestant sect who are being persecuted in Europe, have arrived in America to seek religious freedom. William Penn is selling them thousands of acres six miles to the north of Philadelphia. They are calling their new land “Germantown.”

Wunderbar!!! We’d just LOVE to get our schnitzel on!

Fire in Boston Leads to First Paid Fire Department in America

Filed under: 1670s > 1679 > Massachusetts > Firsts >

fire fighters taking off clothing

Who know something so good could come out of such a tragedy!

This is probably old news, but Boston just barely survived a big fire. All of the warehouses and ships in the dock and approximately 80 houses were destroyed. In order to prevent history from repeating itself, Boston has established the first paying fire department and imported a fire engine from England. A fire chief and 12 firefighters have been employed.

We just cruised the fire station and those firefighters are SMOKING!!! We might set something on fire just to get their attention!

We’d be really good at playing a damsel in distress!! LOL!

First Copyright Law in America Does NOT Protect Creator

Filed under: 1672 > God > Massachusetts > 1670s > Firsts >

artist painting

Massachusetts has introduced the first copyright law in the US. Interestingly enough, it prohibits people from making reprints without consent from the owner of the COPY. Basically, the law protects the printer - not the creator of the original.

We think we should all just share and let everybody do anything with everybody’s everything.

…UGH, okay, you caught us!! We just don’t want to go to jail for making copies of a copy of the Bible

Is loving Jesus REALLY a crime????

First History Book Published in America

Filed under: 1669 > Indians > Pilgrims > 1660s > Firsts >

new england memorial

History books??? Talk about Yawn Fest 1669.

Nathaniel Morton has published the first comprehensive history book about Plymouth Colony. Most of the information in the book has been based on the writings of Morton’s uncle, former Governor of Plymouth Colony, William Bradford.

It’s probably filled with Indian wars and stupid Pilgrim stuff. If only Nathan published a book on juicy Pilgrim gossip…

We’d be first in line to buy it!!!