Connecticut and Rhode Island FINALLY Agree on Border

Filed under: 1703 > Connecticut > Rhode Island > 1700s >

rhode island connecticut

Sometimes apologizing is SO much easier than fighting.

These two bitches, Connecticutie and Rhode Not Even a Real Island, have been feuding forever about boundaries. Now the little love birds have agreed upon a common boundary line.

Yay!! Happy endings ALWAYS make us cry!!!

GASP! Charter of Connecticut Missing!!! Supposedly Hidden in Oak Tree!!

charter oak sneaky

Seriously?! This is HIGHlarious!!

Remember how Connecticut was granted an unusual amount of self-government in its royal charter by King Charles II?? Well the new King of England wants to take it back! Governor of the Dominion of New England, Sir Edmund Andros, went to Connecticutie to fetch the charter but ran into very unexpected problems.

At the meeting where Andros demanded the charter, someone killed the lights and the document was supposedly smuggled out the window!! Some say it is hidden in the hollow of an oak tree nearby.

Omg, we LOVE it!! We hope the Brits never find it!!

Long live American freedom, bitches!!!!!!

Woman in Connecticut Gets DIVORCED

Filed under: 1670s > 1676 > Connecticut > God > Unfamous >

til divorce do us part

We know it’s shocking, but just wait to hear her reason!!!

Elizabeth Rogers, wife of John Rogers, has been granted a divorce from the General Court after a year and a half of starting the divorce process. Her whackjob husband is staunchly opposed to observing the Christian Sabbath. Thankfully, Liz has been given custody of their two children.

While we think divorce is NEVER the answer, we also couldn’t stay with someone who is clearly a psycho case.

We hope God rewards Liz with the love she so deserves.

War Breaks Out Between Indians and Colonists

moose gets killed by indian

How lovely!! Just the thing we wanted to hear! LOLz.

Three Indians have been hanged for murdering John SassyMan, so in retaliation, Chief MetaC (aka, King Philip) is going totally psycho on all of the colonists. He is gathering the support of Indian from tribes all over and are attacking towns in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island

The Indians’ have made everyone aware they are going to:

"…burn every house, destroy every village, kill every white man."

As expected, the ChusettsConnecticutie and R-RhadedIsland are declaring war on the Indians

These cry babies need an intervention!! 

Whose side are U on??? The Indians or the colonists?

Dirty Kids Accused of Doing Dirty Things

Filed under: 1670 > 1670s > Connecticut > God > Unfamous >

bride going to hell

The horror!

John Lewis and Sarah Chapman from Connecticut have been accused of, “sitting together on the Lord’s Day under an apple tree in Goodman Chapman’s Orchard.”

This is supposedly the SAME John Lewis who was tried for, “absenting himself at unreasonable hours of the night, to the great grief of his parents.”

He was probably with Sarah Chapman then, too!! Something tells us this ho WON’T be wearing white on her wedding day. 

Shady, shady!!

New Haven Begrudgingly Merges With ConnectiCUTIE

Filed under: 1665 > Connecticut > 1660s >

king charles i

Can you say AWKWARD?

Remember when King Charles I of England was beheaded?? Well, word on the street is that England has put pressure on New Haven to merge with Connecticut as punishment for harboring three judges who sentenced King Charles I to death.

New Haven is not happy about the merger and a big part of it is because they don’t agree with Connecticut's somewhat liberal views on religion.

Oh quit your whining, New Haven!!! You should have thought about the consequences BEFORE harboring traitors to the crown!

Now run along, New Haven, and go play nice with Connecticut.

Rhode Island Recognized as Colony With a Hippie Charter

Filed under: 1663 > Rhode Island > Connecticut > Indians > 1660s >

hippie king charles ii

Someone give us a barf bag!! All of this hippie shiz is making us sick!!

The Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations has been officially recognized as a colony by the crown. The funny thing is, the royal charter has some wacky provisions.

Firstly, any land used by the colonists should first be purchased from the native Indians. Secondly, it allowed for religious freedom. And thirdly, the people are allowed to elect their own leaders and make their own laws!!

Are we SURE the King approved this???? It sounds to us like someone forged his signature!!!

Geez. And we thought Connecticut had a liberal charter!

It’s PAArty Time!! Connecticut Recognized as a Colony

john winthrop jr

They should have renamed the colony ConnectiCUTIE!!!

John Winthrop, Jr., the son of the founding governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, followed in daddy’s footsteps. Connecticut, which was unrecognized by the crown, was scared it would lose its independence and be sucked into total control like other New England colonies. So, JW Jr. sweet-talked the English attorney general into granting Connecticut a legal charter with an UNUSUAL degree of self-government.

The real question is, what did JW Jr. do to get the English attorney to agree to such liberal terms??? 

Hmmm, we will leave that one to your imagination….

We know ours sure is wandering!!!

Say it Ain’t So! Connecticut Legalizes Slavery!!

slave for sale

You’d think America, a place of refuge for the suppressed, would be the first to realize slavery is wrong.

Connecticut joins Massachusetts in the disgusting trend of making slavery legal. 

We don’t understand why they can’t get off their lazy asses and do their own chores!!! Momma Perez would NEVER let us get away with it!

If only we could give Massachusetts and Connecticuta big, BIG spanking.

SCARY! A Witch Gets Hanged in Connecticut!!!

Filed under: 1647 > Connecticut > Witches > 1640s >

Alse Young Witch Hanging

Wow. Just… wow.

A witch, Alse Young, was hanged at the Meeting House Square in Hartford, Connecticut after a trial. Apparently she was found guilty of doing whatever witches do, because now she’s paying the price.

We don’t know much about the trial, but we don’t really want to! We’re kind of scared to say anything bad because the witches might put a spell on us!!!

We will be reading the Bible ALL night.