mASSachusetts Law: Roman Catholic Priests Must Leave or Die

Filed under: 1700 > 1700s > Catholics > God > Massachusetts > Laws >

priests threatened

Happy New Century, bitches!!!! To celebrate, the mASSholes are enjoying their favorite pastime: threatening innocent people!!

mASSachusetts has passed a law that gives Roman Catholic priests three months to leave the colony or face life in prison and even execution.

When there aren’t any witches to kill, priests are the next best thing!!  


Massachusetts Given Religious Freedom - Except for Catholics

Filed under: 1691 > Catholics > God > Massachusetts > 1690s >

roman catholic

Sucks to be them!!!

Massachusetts has been granted a new royal charter by King William III. The charter unifies the Massachusetts Bay Colony with Plymouth Colony, Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard and many more. Most importantly, the charter extends the right to vote beyond just those of Puritan faith and grants freedom of worship for all Christians… except for Catholics. They’re still screwed.

This is a BIG step towards total religious tolerance, minus the whole Catholic thing.


BREAKING: King James II Has First Son (Or Did He???)

Filed under: 1688 > King James II > Catholics > Protestants > 1680s >

king james ii

We smell a conspiracy!!!

Even though everyone in England was disappointed that King James II became a Catholic, no one was too concerned because his only heirs to the throne were his Protestant daughters. However, everyone almost shizzed themselves recently when the King had his first son whom he baptized Catholic. The prospect of a Catholic dynasty in England, Ireland and Scotland is now a startling reality.

But listen to this!!! We’re hearing some CRAZY rumors that the King’s son was actually stillborn and swapped with someone else’s baby!! We hear the King is soooo desperate to secure a Catholic succession to the throne, that this isn’t a very far-fetched idea.

Stay tuned for more deets!!!!

RIP: King Charles II

King Charles ii dies

We are so saddened by the news we can hardly pull it together to write this.

We’ve just learned that King Charles II, age 54, has passed after suffering a sudden stroke a few days earlier. On his deathbed he converted from his Anglican religion to Roman Catholic. He leaves behind 12 illegitimate children and a wife. His brother, James II, is said to replace him on the throne.

We really liked him because of his religious tolerance, his passion for helping the poor, his belief in giving a decent amount of freedom to the colonies and his don’t-eff-with-me attitude towards the mASSholes in mASSachusetts

Sad sad.

Big Ass Waterfalls in Niagara Discovered

niagra falls holy shit

Those Indians are always holding out on us!! Why didn’t they tell us about this?!!?

A Catholic Priest, Father Louis Hennepin, travelled with explorer Robert de La Salle to a place we’re calling “Niagara Falls.” They are reporting the waterfalls are over 600 feet in height!!!

Holy cow! We’ve never even seen ANYTHING that big!!!

That sounds like the best bathtub EVER.

William Penn and Other Quakers Buy West New Jersey

william penn new jersey

Thank God it’s not East Jersey or we’d lose the beautiful Jersey shore!!

William Penn, along with other Quakers, bought land now known as New West Jersey. New East Jersey still belongs to George Carteret.

Quakerism is a new religious fad sweeping the New World. Also known as the “Religious Society of Friends,” the Quakers believe in a direct and personal relationship with God, the refusal to bear arms and the refusal to bow to any man. 

Our BIGGEST problem with the Quakers is their nickname “Religious Society of Friends.” Are they suggesting that Catholics, Jews and Protestants don’t have friends?????

PS: We SO approve of that faboosh red lip color on Williamina!!

New BFF Alert: Lord Baltimore + King Charles II

lord baltimore

Well, the Protestants may have won the Maryland civil war, but that doesn’t mean shiz now!

The Commonwealth of England has been dissolved and King Charles II has returned to his rightful position as the King of England. Of course, King Charles II won’t allow some bratty Protestant to rule his colony of Maryland, so he’s restored all the power back to the Roman Catholic Lord Baltimore.

Aw. Happy endings ALWAYS make us cry!

The War Results Are In!!!!

Filed under: 1655 > Protestants > Catholics > 1650s >

coin war penis

Because we HATE confusing things, we’ve made the Battle of Severn a little easier to follow:

  • Loyalists of the Commonwealth of England = William Fuller's peeps = Protestants = WINNERS
  • Loyalists to King of England = Lord Baltimore's peeps = Roman Catholics = LOSERS
We know the Protestants won fair and square, but we crossed all of our fingers and toes in the hopes that the Catholics would win. We’re BIG fans of the Pope’s fashion sense!

We’d give ANYTHING to wear that cute little hat for just one day.

CIVIL WAR in Maryland!!!

Filed under: 1655 > Catholics > Maryland > Protestants > War > 1650s >

battle of severn

Guess they aren’t in a merry land after all! HA!

Remember how the Toleration Act (which granted Catholics the right to worship) got repealed in Maryland???

Well now it’s started an ALL-OUT war!!!!

Lord Baltimore, the Lord Proprietor of Maryland who is loyal to the King of England and is also a Roman Catholic, was removed from authority and replaced by William Fuller, a Protestant who is loyal to the new Commonwealth of England.

Now forces loyal to Lord Baltimore are fighting Will Fuller’s posse in the Battle of Severn to win Maryland back.

Ugh. Violence is NEVER the answer.

Who do U think will win the Maryland civil war???

Uh-Oh, Catholics! Protestants Repealed the Toleration Act!

Filed under: 1654 > Maryland > Protestants > Catholics > God > 1650s >

jesus stfu

We smell trouble!

The Protestants have seized control of Maryland again and have repealed the Act that granted Catholics the right to worship. 

We don’t get it. Don’t they both love Jesus and God?? What’s the big effing deal???

Just kiss and make up, you drama queens!!!!