WTF: Teenager Benjamin Franklin Poses as Widowed Woman

benjamin franklin silence dogood

This is AMAZEBALLS!!

In order to get her his work published by his brother’s print shop in Boston, 16-year-old Benjamin Franklin has been posing as a middle-aged widow with the pseudonym of Silence Dogood. In a series of 14 articles submitted under a woman’s identity, Benny Frank-Franks has commented on topics such as religion, drunkenness, freedom of thought and even fashion.

Sadly, once Benny’s brother found out the true identity of “Silence Dogood,” he was less than impressed. Needless to say, Benny WON’T be writing for his brother’s print shop any time in the near future.

Benny, if you’re looking for a writing gig, we could totes use another writer!!!

Ha!!

Benjamin Franklin Has an Illegitimate Son?!?!?

benjamin franklin illegitimate son

THE HORROR!!!!!

Our beloved BJ Franky Franks has knocked up a ho outside of his common-law marriage to Deborah Reed. No one has said who the real baby mama is, but rumor has it that she’s of MUCH lower class. Supposedly BJ Franky Franks will be raising the child with his real wifey. They are naming the bastard William.

Oooooh, Debbie must be soo pissed!!!! How can she help raise another woman’s baby?!?

This news will DEFINITELY ruin his reputation in America. 

Benny Frank Franks Creates Volunteer Fire Department

benjamin franklin fire

Thank GOD he can put out a fire, because this pic of Benjamin Franklin is burning us up!!!

Benny Frank Franks helped form the Union Fire Company in Philadelphia. This came about after he and others pointed out in his newspaper, The Pennsylvania Gazette, that there should be a better way to handle local fires. Each member of the fire department pays for his own fire fighting equipment, including buckets and bags, that they have to bring to each fire.

Philanthropy is just soooooo in these days. 

Do U think Benny looks good in uniform???

BJ Franky Franks Heats Up With New Invention

Filed under: 1741 > Benjamin Franklin > 1740s >

franklin stove

Boyfriend knows how to get shiz done!

Benjamin Franklin’sFranklin Stove" has a hooded front and an airbox in the back, which allows for more efficient fire. It uses a quarter of firewood and produces twice as much heat. We hear he’s been approached to patent the invention, but he turned it down because he wants everyone to benefit from it without making a profit.

WTF??? Who turns down money???

Maybe he just made the stove to burn evidence of more extramarital affairs.

Ha!

U Penn Founded by Smarty Pants BJ Franky Franks

ben franklin

Lurning is in da haus!!!!!! Lolololol.

Benjamin Franklin was searching for a site where he could open a public academy for higher learning in the Philly area. He discovered that a charity school in the area lacked funding and was vacated, so it was the best option for BJ’s new project.

Unlike other schools around (Harvard, William and Mary, and Yale), BJ Franky Franks wants this institution to offer more than just religious education. He’s proposing the curriculum also include practical skills and arts.

As much as we think this is a great idea, these good deeds don’t disguise the fact that he has an illegitimate child.

If doing nice things washed away sins, we’d be the friggin’ Pope!

BJ Franky Franks Attempts Suicide by Lightning

kite experiment benjamin franklin

OK, OK… our sources claim he’s not REALLY suicidal - just cray cray.

Benjamin Franklin must have been feeling quite emo courageous the other day, because he and his bastard son went flying kites during a thunderstorm to prove his theory of “electricity.” He believes that lightning carries an electrical charge that can be transferred to other objects.

To prove this, he attached a key to the end of a kite string that connected to a Leyden jar (a device that stores electrical charge). He kept his end of the string dry so that electricity would not carry all the way through and strike him dead. He succeeded.

We’re also hearing rumors that BJ made his son risk his life running around in the rain while he stayed out of harm’s way in a barn.

Wow. He really is a smart guy.

A bastard’s life is ALWAYS more disposable!!!

Benjamin Franklin Says, “Join, or Die”!!!!

join or die

When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first 'death threat via newspaper' ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!

Quote of the Day

benjamin franklin

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. So don’t be a dumbass and read your Perez Hamilton, kids.

- Benjamin Franklin

The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED

albany congress albany union

Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!

Yuck!

Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War," (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).

The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.

Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!

What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????

Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.

BJ Franky Frank’s Bastard Son is Appointed Royal Governor of NJ

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We can hear the fist pumping celebration all across Jersey!!

BJ Franky Frank’s used his power to trick people into believing that his son, William Franklin, is more than a prostitute’s mistake useful aid in his science experiments. After completing a law education and proving himself to be a competent human being, William has secured a place as Royal Governor of NJ.

OoOoh, ooh! Can we suggest the first order of business?? Open up a dance club on the Jersey Shore!!!

All that bumpin’ and grindin’ will do WONDERS for the economy (and our asses)!!!!!!