First College Fraternity, “Flat Hat Club,” Formed

flat hat society

Why would anyone ever WANT to wear a flat hat?????

Can you say F-U-G-L-Y-!

The very unfashionable men at the College of William and Mary have started some creepy society where they get together, do secret handshakes and talk about undisclosed things. People say the meaning of their frat name derives from the flat hats they wear when they graduate.

HmMmMmM… grown men sneaking around together, drinking beer and being shady…

Um, where does the actual education come into play again?????

BJ Franky Franks Attempts Suicide by Lightning

kite experiment benjamin franklin

OK, OK… our sources claim he’s not REALLY suicidal - just cray cray.

Benjamin Franklin must have been feeling quite emo courageous the other day, because he and his bastard son went flying kites during a thunderstorm to prove his theory of “electricity.” He believes that lightning carries an electrical charge that can be transferred to other objects.

To prove this, he attached a key to the end of a kite string that connected to a Leyden jar (a device that stores electrical charge). He kept his end of the string dry so that electricity would not carry all the way through and strike him dead. He succeeded.

We’re also hearing rumors that BJ made his son risk his life running around in the rain while he stayed out of harm’s way in a barn.

Wow. He really is a smart guy.

A bastard’s life is ALWAYS more disposable!!!

Major George Washington Gets Sassy with the French

george washington

We just LOVE a man in uniform!!!

Major Hottie George Washington was ordered to deliver a letter to the French telling them to GTFO of Ohio because Britain already claimed it. And guess what?? The Frenchies are saying NO!

Now Major Hottie Washington is on a mission to befriend local Indians to gain their human shields support in case the Brits and Frenchies cat fight over Ohio.

Oh, and did we mention he is SINGLE??? But back off, ladies, he’s ours!!!! 

Mrs. Perez Washington… we LOVE it!

LOLz!

America is Drinking Beer and Going to Church Because…

Filed under: 1750s > 1753 > God > Holidays > Ireland > St. Patrick's Day > Firsts >

st patricks day

It’s just another day!

LOL, JK… it’s St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!

America has adopted the Irish holiday that commemorates Saint Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland who converted the people to Christianity. On March 17th, St. P-Diddy’s deathday, the people drink, drink, drink until they puke, pray, eat and wear shamrocks. St. P-Diddy is said to have used the green clover to explain the Holy Trinity to non-Christians.

Oh, and did we mention St. P-Diddy WASN’T EVEN IRISH???? He was born and raised in Britain before being kidnapped by the Irish and turned into a slave. 

Lovely!

Let’s cheers to that!!

BREAKING XMAS NEWS: Get Paid to Kill Wild Animals!

santa paying the bills

Holy shiz! That’s SOOO newsworthy!!!!!

At least that’s what the Boston Gazette thinks, because that’s basically their front page headline this Christmas.

The new law they’re referring to authorizes, “the killing of Wolves, Bears, Wild Cats, and Catamounts within the Province.” The law rewards the following:

  • Every grown wolf: 4 pounds
  • Every baby wolf: 40 shillings
  • Every grown wild cat: 10 shillings
  • Every baby wild cat: 5 shillings

Hey, who are we to judge?? Santa’s gotta pay for those presents somehow!!!!!! 

Merry ChristopherColumbusmas!!!

George Washington Preps to Kick French Booty!!!!

george washington

We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!

After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and made the Brits leave mid-construction. 

And because our Hottie Washie works so hard, he was just promoted to lieutenant colonel of the Virginia militia. He is now leading about 200 Virginians and Indian allies to fight the French.

YAY! Congrats on the promotion, Washie!!! Stay safe!

XXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!

Washington’s Indian Allies Go Effing NUTS

george washington fml

Get ready for a shockfest!!

George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.

The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and put a hatchet through his skull just because he could.

RUDE!! These Indians have NO social graces.

Before Washie could stop the insanity, his Indian allies killed the remaining French soldiers and scalped them. 

We bet the Frenchies back home are gonna llloooovvvee this news!!!!!

#facepalm

The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED

albany congress albany union

Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!

Yuck!

Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War," (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).

The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.

Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!

What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????

Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.

New York City Founds First College

columbia university

Mmm, MmmMm, MmmMmmm… nothing keeps us warm at night like some good ‘ol fashioned learning!

After getting super jeal that New Jersey founded its own college (Princeton University), New York decided they wanted one, too. King’s College is now the first institution of higher learning in all of New York.

Loves it!

Who Wore it Best?!?!

Anna Rosina de Gas's "Michał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania" and on the right is Pietro Rotari's "Portrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony."

It’s a fashion face-off and there may be NO survivors!!!!!

Both painted in 1755, we have Anna Rosina de Gas’sMichał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania” (left) and Pietro Rotari’sPortrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony” (right).

We don’t know if it’s all that church wine we drank, but we’re seeing double!!!

The only thing Michal has over Carl is that silly little elf man in the background, who is looking quite seksi himself.

LOL.