mASSachusetts Law: Roman Catholic Priests Must Leave or Die

Filed under: 1700 > 1700s > Catholics > God > Massachusetts > Laws >

priests threatened

Happy New Century, bitches!!!! To celebrate, the mASSholes are enjoying their favorite pastime: threatening innocent people!!

mASSachusetts has passed a law that gives Roman Catholic priests three months to leave the colony or face life in prison and even execution.

When there aren’t any witches to kill, priests are the next best thing!!  


Captain William Kidd Hanged for Piracy

Filed under: 1700s > 1701 > Pirates > R.I.P. > William Kidd >

captain kidd

Tough break, bb!!!

Word of William Kidd’s piracy has travelled back to the people who funded his most recent expedition. In an effort to appear from looking guilty of piracy themselves, they have turned in Kidd for his illegal actions. He was found guilty of murder and piracy and has been executed by hanging.

The people with all the money ALWAYS get off the hook.


King William III is (Hopefully) Gay!!!!!

king william iii gay

OUR DREAM COME TRUE!!!! How did our gaydar not go off earlier?!?!!? 

Word is buzzing all over town that King William III is getting it on with the seksi men around him. Rumor has it that he is constantly around his close f*ck buddies guy friends and he only had ONE mistress when he was with his wifey, Queen Mary II

Hmmm, that’s why he was probably sooo sad when QMII died. She was his beard!!!

We’ll take care of you, bb!! We know a FABOOSH secret hideaway down the Jersey shore!!

Fort Detroit Founded by French

Filed under: 1701 > Indians > Michigan > 1700s >

fort detroit

DETROIT?? That’s not so bad!

We’re surprised the French didn’t name it something stoopider, like Fort Croissant! LOL.

French officer Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac has erected a fort to keep the British from expanding west and to monopolize on the fur trade. Cadillac was also the commander of Fort de Buade, but it was abandoned a few years ago after conflicts with religious leaders over the trading of alcohol with Indians.

What conflict??? Alcohol never hurt anyone!!

If Jesus’s blood is made from it, it must be good!!!!

RIP: King William III

Filed under: 1700s > 1702 > God > R.I.P. > King William III >

king william iii

Nooooooooooo!!!!! How could this be?!!?

Shortly after learning that we might have a shot at getting with our royal queen King William III, God took him away abruptly from us. He passed away due to complications after getting injured from falling off his horse, Sorrel.

Well there’s the root of the problem right there!!! If you name your horse something as wimpy as Squirrel Sorrel, we can’t blame him for throwing the King off!!!

Only the good die young. RIP.

East and West Jersey Unite into New Jersey

Filed under: 1702 > New Jersey > 1700s >

new jersey east and west

WOOO HOOO!!!! Even more Jersey for us to party in!!!

East and West Jersey have united into the royal colony of New Jersey under the rule of Queen Anne. Edward Hyde, 3rd Earl of Clarendon (aka Lord Cornbury) has been named governor.

You were never too “old” for us, but congrats on the royal upgrade, New Jersey!!!

Reverend John Hale Writes Book to Criticize Salem Witch Trials

Filed under: 1702 > God > Salem Witch Trials > Witches > 1700s >

john hale

Ewwwwww! There’s NOTHING worse than a flip-flopper!!!

The book A Modest Enquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft, written by the now deceased John flip-flopper Hale, has been published. John was one of the most prominent and influential clergymen involved in the 1692 Salem witch trials and was a supporter of persecuting the witches. It seems he apparently changed his mind. 

A Modest Enquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft offers a critique of the trials and suggests that the Devil himself is responsible for everything that went down in 1692 and NOT necessarily the “witches.”

Sounds like SOMEONE had a guilty conscious for hanging all those poor innocent witches people!! We hope for his sake that God accepts this pathetic apology!

Governor of NY and NJ Cross-Dresses as a Woman!!!!

Filed under: 1702 > New Jersey > New York > 1700s >

lord cornbury cross-dress

U go, gurl!!!!!!!!

Governor of NY and NJEdward Hyde, 3rd Earl of Clarendon, has been dressing in women’s clothing!! Recently he opened the New York Assembly wearing a gown, a headdress and carrying a fan like Queen Anne.

Another source of ours claims:

"[He wears women’s clothing and hides] behind trees to pounce, shrieking with laughter, on his victims.”

Cross-dressing is one thing, but pouncing on people he’s supposed to govern is another!! We don’t know if we love her him or hate her him!!!

What do U think?? Is it okay for people in office to cross-dress in public???

Connecticut and Rhode Island FINALLY Agree on Border

Filed under: 1703 > Connecticut > Rhode Island > 1700s >

rhode island connecticut

Sometimes apologizing is SO much easier than fighting.

These two bitches, Connecticutie and Rhode Not Even a Real Island, have been feuding forever about boundaries. Now the little love birds have agreed upon a common boundary line.

Yay!! Happy endings ALWAYS make us cry!!!

Frenchman Opens School For Slaves in New York

Filed under: 1704 > God > New York > Slavery > 1700s >

slave thank god


Frenchman Elias Naud said the slaves, “who were without God in the world and of whose souls there was no manner of care taken,” needed someone to show them the light of God. He has now opened a school to teach slaves all about the principles of religion. 

Ugghhh, why didn’t we think of that??? He’s definitely going to Heaven now!!

Good job, suck up Elias!