Portrait Hall of Fame!!

jesus can i get a what what

Jesus always makes the best of every situation!!

German born painter Ricardo do Pilar painted Jesus (above) in what he titled, “Man of Sorrows.” 

We don’t know who Ricardo is trying to fool - Jesus looks like he’s having an amazeballs time to us!!!

What do U think? Is Jesus crying or just pAArtying it up???

Paper Money Accepted As Legal Tender

Filed under: 1690 > Massachusetts > 1690s >

money eyes

Next thing you know they’ll be accepting buckets of water!! Ha!

As a thanks for risking their lives to massacre New France, Massachusetts is giving out paper bills of credit to its New England soldiers. They promise the paper will be redeemable for prostitutes gold. The soldiers can also use the paper to pay their taxes.

Dear Massachusetts: Please please please accept all this newspaper we have as money!! We would LURVE to be thousandaires!!!

Ughhh, we’d have the BEST wardrobe!!!!

Save The Whales!!

Filed under: 1690 > Indians > Massachusetts > 1690s >

whale sad

Since Nantucket sucks at farming, they have copied the local Indians and started whale hunting. Believing they will be able to support themselves off the oil found in whale blubber, Nantucket has employed whaler Ichabod Paddock from Cape Cod. He will teach them the ropes on the proper way to kill whales.

Sorry, but we don’t think there is EVER a “proper” way to kill animals!! Animals are our friends NOT our income.


YAY! William Penn Saves Trees!!!!!

Filed under: 1690 > 1690s > Pennsylvania > William Penn >

william penn

Our hero!

William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania, has mandated that for every five acres of trees cleared, one acre must be preserved.

Trees are pretty, give animals their homes, provide us with shade plus soooo many other good things!

We just want to give WP a big hug!!

Massachusetts Given Religious Freedom - Except for Catholics

Filed under: 1691 > Catholics > God > Massachusetts > 1690s >

roman catholic

Sucks to be them!!!

Massachusetts has been granted a new royal charter by King William III. The charter unifies the Massachusetts Bay Colony with Plymouth Colony, Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard and many more. Most importantly, the charter extends the right to vote beyond just those of Puritan faith and grants freedom of worship for all Christians… except for Catholics. They’re still screwed.

This is a BIG step towards total religious tolerance, minus the whole Catholic thing.


NY Governor Kicked Out and Executed

Filed under: 1691 > King James II > New York > 1690s >


And that’s why you don’t eff with the King of England!! LOL.

During all the drama between the Boston revolt, New England and New France going to war and King James II being overthrown, German-American Jacob Leisler seized control of New York and ruled it against the wishes of the new King William III. In response, KWIII sent a new governor to NY, but he didn’t get there for a couple years because he was lazy delayed by bad weather.

After an awkward stand-off resulting in words along the lines of, “You’re not governor, I am!” and, “No, bitch, NY is mine!” Jacob Leisler was finally arrested by the REAL governor and sentenced to death.

This is riDICKulous. You can’t just steal New York and expect to get away with it!!!!

If it was THAT easy, don’t you think we’d have stolen it loooong ago?? Where else can you get the best food and fashion in America??!

Henry Purcell’s The Fairy-Queen Rocks Our World!!!!

Filed under: 1692 > Music Minute > 1690s >

henry purcell fairy queen

This is the hawtest sh*t out there since “Ring Around the Rosie.”

Henry Purcell’s semi-opera, The Fairy-Queen, is an adaptation of William Shakespeare’s comedy, A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s now performing in London.

If you’re strapped for cash and can’t make it to London to see the play in action, get a small taste for the real thing by ch-ch-checking out the sheet music (above)!!

He’s soooooo talented.

Witches in Salem?!?!!?

witches wtf hocus pocus

Great. Massachusetts was JUST given religious tolerance and now the witches are free to roam.

Betty Parris, age 9, and Abigail Williams, age 11, (daughter and niece of Reverend Samuel Parris) have been having “fits” that are beyond epileptic. According to an eyewitness, the girls have been screaming, throwing things, uttering strange noises, and contorting themselves into abnormal positions. They’re also complaining of being pricked and pinched by invisible pins.

Now other young girls in Salem are also suffering from the same condition!!! Since the symptoms don’t seem to be related to a medical ailment, people of the town are pointing their fingers to witchcraft.

Ew! Someone must be REALLY sick in the head if they are willing to work with the Devil to harm innocent children.

We are locking our doors SO hard tonight.

Slave Tituba Says Cake Filled With PEE Will Identify Witches

pee witch cake

Ummm, SAY WHAT?!

Tituba, a slave to one of the afflicted girls, suggested to a neighbor, Mary Sibley, that in order to discover the root of the witchcraft Mary should make a “witch cake.” The cake was then infused with the bewitched girls’ urine and fed to a dog. Tituba claimed that when the dog ate the cake, the witch would cry out in pain.

Nobody cried out in pain but, unfortunately for Tituba, the afflicted girls are pointing the finger at her. One girl admitted that Tituba told them superstitious tales and even made crystal balls out of egg yolk. 

Whether she is or isn’t a real witch, sounds like girlfriend needs some help!!

Feeding dogs pee?? That’s just nasty!!!!!

Three Women Accused of Bewitching Salem Girls Go to Trial

witches devil

Hopefully punishing these three will put an end to this madness!

Betty Parris and her cousin Abigail Williams have accused these three of “afflicting” them:

  • Sarah Good, a cranky homeless woman
  • Sarah Osburne, a widowed lady who has been shunned for living with her second husband before marrying him
  • Tituba, a slave in Betty Parris’s household

When the women entered the room, the bewitched girls went crazy, even barking like dogs! Sarah Good reportedly gave snotty answers to the judge and Sarah Osburne claimed she was a victim like the girls — but no one bought it. 

Tituba, on the other hand, actually admitted her guilt!!! After Reverend Parris gave her a thrashing, the confessions started pouring out!

We haven’t heard the details yet, but we have a feeling it will be JUICY!

Hey, it’s not every day a witch admits her guilt!!!