Is the End Near?!? Huge Comet Appears in the Sky!!

Filed under: 1680 > God > 1680s >

comet watch out

UGH. We are too young to go to Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unless you’re blind, you MUST have seen the huge comet that has been in the sky for weeks now. It’s so big and bright it can be seen both day AND night!! The churches are packed with everyone repenting, because God is surely pissed off if He sent us this badass omen!!!

We have been fasting for days and reciting the Bible non-stop. We hope that’s good enough. We are seriously getting hungry!

This is just not cool, God. NOT cool!!!

England Works America’s Slaves to the Bone for More Sweets

Filed under: 1680 > Slavery > 1680s >

starving slaves candy

Slaves just can’t catch a break.

England is apparently obsessed with hot drinks right now, because there is an intensely high demand for hot cocoa, tea and coffee. Since most of the sugar comes from America, England is telling the American slaves to work hard and fast to send them sugar ASAP.

Did you hear that, slaves??No rest for you!!! You don’t want the guilt of knowing there are rich people in England who can’t drink hot chocolate after their five-couse meal their cooks prepared for them!!

That would be a tragedy!

King Charles II Separates New Hampshire From Massachusetts

king charles ii hippie

Is it just us or is King Charles II WAY too obsessed with granting freedom to be a king??? Maybe it’s all the tobacco he’s smoking!

Until recently, New Hampshire and Massachusetts had formed a coalition and were both governed by the super Puritan Massachusetts. Now King Charles II has separated New Hamster fromMA by issuing it a royal charter. It will now be governed by a president and council appointed by the crown.

Sources say:

No act, imposition, law, or ordinance, shall be imposed upon the inhabitants of the province, but such as shall be made by the assembly, and approved by the president and council.”

Oooh, fierce independence. U go gurl!!!

Tornado Tries to Kill Harvard Students in Cambridge, Massachusetts

Filed under: 1680 > God > Massachusetts > 1680s >

tornado

Run for your lives!!!

First there was a comet in the sky and now there’s a tornado!!! It’s been confirmed that a servant named John Robbins has been killed by the whirling wind.

Normally we’d question God’s fury, but this one is pretty easy to figure out. The tornado is in Cambridge, Massachusetts - home to Harvard College. HELLO! Don’t you know what goes on in college??? Drinking, loud music and sex before marriage! God’s worst nightmare!! 

No wonder he was trying to tear the place down!

King Charles II Gives Land to William Penn Who Has Never Seen America

william penn

In order to settle a debt King Charles II owed Penn’s father, he gave Quaker William Penn a HUGE chunk of American land. We hear Will is sailing to America now to visit his new gift. 

What a moron!! We can’t believe he bought part of New Jersey before ever setting foot in America yet!! That’s like buying a pie shop but never having eaten a pie!!!!

What do U think William Penn will name his new land???

William Penn Founds Philadelphia - “City of Brotherly Love”

Filed under: 1680s > 1682 > Pennsylvania > Quakers > William Penn >

william penn brotherly love

Interesting choice of words!

William Penn has arrived in America after a two month voyage in which one-third of his fellow Quakers died from smallpox. He has since founded Philadelphia, or the city of “brotherly” love. The name derives from Greek, “philos” means loving and “adelphos” means brother.

Be proud of who you are, bb!!

Who Wore it Best?!!?!?

Filed under: 1682 > Portrait > Who Wore It Best > 1680s > Top 10 >

francisco and diego immaculate conception

Way to show up to two different naked baby parties looking the EXACT same!!!

JK!!

These paintings are depictions of the Immaculate Conception by TWO different artists this year. Diego Díez Ferreras’s painting (left) and Francisco de Solís’s painting (right).

We find it HIGHlarious that they both depicted her in the same outfit and hairdo. We know our gurl Mary would be MORTIFIED to see herself in different paintings wearing the same thing. She’s a fashionista to the core and wouldn’t be caught DEAD wearing the same outfit twice!!

What do U think? Which version of Mary do U like best??? 

New France’s Governor-General Fired For Sucking

Filed under: 1682 > Indians > 1680s >

Louis de Buade de Frontenac partying

Scandalous!!!!

The King of France has recalled the Governor-General of New FranceLouis de Buade de Frontenac. The King says that New France has been poorly governed by Louis and he is responsible for jeopardizing France’s fur trade with the Indians because he is only concerned about his own personal profit.

This is EXACTLY why Europe should mind their own business and just let America do what we want! They’re too far away to keep an eye on us anyway!!

New Poem ROCKS America!!!

Filed under: 1683 > God > 1680s >

if i die before i wake

We are SO obsessed with this it’s almost unhealthy!! LOLz.

A new poem by Edward Taylor has been printed in The New England Primer, an educational schoolbook that helps teach children. These words are just pure genius and we can’t get it out of our heads!!!

It goes like this:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.  

Soooo good, right?!?! 

First Mennonites Arrive in America From Germany

german yodelayheehoo

OMG, they’re like termites made out of men!! Weird!!!!

A group of German Mennonites, a Protestant sect who are being persecuted in Europe, have arrived in America to seek religious freedom. William Penn is selling them thousands of acres six miles to the north of Philadelphia. They are calling their new land “Germantown.”

Wunderbar!!! We’d just LOVE to get our schnitzel on!