Beaver Wars Continue! The Iroqouis Attack the Mannahoacs!!

Filed under: 1670 > 1670s > Indians > Manhattan > Virginia > Beaver Wars >


Ohhh no they didn’t!! 

Unless you’re brain dead, you know that the bloody Beaver Wars have been raging for years now. It all started when the Dutch and English encouraged the Iroqouis Indians, led by the Mohawks, to expand their territory so they could monopolize on the fur trade. In other words, the Iroqouis were encouraged to beat the shiz out of other Indian tribes to steal their land so they could trade fur for Europan goods, like liquor.

Recently, the Iroqouis lost their their Dutch allies after the English took over New York and the English stopped trusting the bloodthirsty Iroqouis because, well, they’re insane. With a lack of support, the Beaver Wars quieted down… until now.

The Iroquois have now brutally forced the Mannahoac tribe out of the northern Virginia area!!! 

Oh, did we mention that the Iroqouis EAT THEIR VICTIMS???? 

We would NEVER go through all that trouble just to get some beavers!!

Dirty Kids Accused of Doing Dirty Things

Filed under: 1670 > 1670s > Connecticut > God > Unfamous >

bride going to hell

The horror!

John Lewis and Sarah Chapman from Connecticut have been accused of, “sitting together on the Lord’s Day under an apple tree in Goodman Chapman’s Orchard.”

This is supposedly the SAME John Lewis who was tried for, “absenting himself at unreasonable hours of the night, to the great grief of his parents.”

He was probably with Sarah Chapman then, too!! Something tells us this ho WON’T be wearing white on her wedding day. 

Shady, shady!!

Indians Forced to Surrender Weapons to Puritans

Filed under: 1671 > Indians > Massachusetts > Metacomet > 1670s >

indians burn village

Soon after Chief Massasoit Sachem died, his son Metacomet began leading the Sachem Indians. MetaC has been so buddy-buddy with the locals that he even adopted a European name, “King Phillip”, and buys his white people clothing in Boston.

Sadly, the Puritans have become paranoid that the Indians are taking over, so they’ve ordered MetaC to surrender a lot of his weaponry and agree to English law. Reluctantly, MetaC agreed.

The Plymouth Colony wouldn’t have even survived without the kindess of MetaC’s dad!! We bet Chief Massasoit Sachem is rolling over in his grave. Or part of him, anyway. The Puritans probably dug up his body and stole his jewelry.

Well, they’ve done it before!!!

RIP: Margaret Brent

Filed under: 1670s > 1671 > God > R.I.P. > Virginia > Margaret Brent >

margaret brent can't vote

Sadly, we have heard reports that Margaret Brent, a crazy spinster woman who requested the right to vote, has passed away in Virginia at the age of 70.

It’s worth mentioning that her sex life was STILL nonexistent at the time of her death. She died VERY single, giving her only property to her sister, brother and his children.

We can’t imagine she lived a very fulfilled life. 

May there be plenty of safe and virtuous sex in Heaven.

France Claims Middle of America for King Louis XIV

King Louis XIV

Oui oui!!! We like!

With all the competition for land on the east coast, the Frenchies took the middle area from right under England’s nose. We can’t imagine the English are too upset though, because the middle is where a ton of Indians live. From what we’ve heard, most Indians AREN’T looking to make friends. 

Whatevs, this is good news for us! We find those little Frenchie hats très adorbs!!!!

Teddy Hamilton in a doggie beret would be too presh for words!!

Separated at Birth

Filed under: 1671 > Separated at Birth > Portrait > 1670s >

These bitches have our lives!!!

They probably had a fancy champagne brunch before spending the day shopping and coordinating looks!!! It’s no accident that they both have off-the-shoulder dresses with ruffles on the sleeve, perfect curls framing their faces and, finally, similar poses. 

On the left is Sir Peter Lely’s "The Duchess of Portsmouth" and on the right is Pieter Nason’s “Portrait of a Lady.” SHOCKER! Even the artists share the same first name.

SO jeal.

First Copyright Law in America Does NOT Protect Creator

Filed under: 1672 > God > Massachusetts > 1670s > Firsts >

artist painting

Massachusetts has introduced the first copyright law in the US. Interestingly enough, it prohibits people from making reprints without consent from the owner of the COPY. Basically, the law protects the printer - not the creator of the original.

We think we should all just share and let everybody do anything with everybody’s everything.

…UGH, okay, you caught us!! We just don’t want to go to jail for making copies of a copy of the Bible

Is loving Jesus REALLY a crime????

NY Governor Announces Monthly Mail Service Between NY and Boston

Filed under: 1672 > Massachusetts > Manhattan > 1670s >

old man reading letter

OMG, we can finally stop writing our cousin’s birthday letter a year in advance!! We were getting confused on how old he REALLY is!

New York Governor Francis Lovelace has announced there will be a monthly mail service betweenNew Yorkand Boston. They’ve come a long way since the first post office opened 33 years ago.

Ooooh, maybe we can invite our friends over in three months. We better start getting the house ready!!!

Ahhh!! The Dutch Are Trying to Take Back NY!!!!!

Filed under: 1673 > New York > Manhattan > War > Fashion Smashion > 1670s >

anglo-dutch wars

Holy cow!

A Dutch battle fleet of 23 ships JUST arrived in New York City harbor, trying to take back the land they claim is rightfully theirs. Just a few years ago, the Brits forced the Dutch to surrender New York and it looks like the Dutch are back with a vengeance. 

Geez, we hope they surrender without a fight. If there’s anything worse than war, it’s getting blood on perfectly good clothes.

We will be thinking of their hats, coats and shoes in the dark days to come.

Dutch Have Officially Stolen New York City Back From Brits

Filed under: 1673 > Dutch > Manhattan > New York > 1670s >

Cornelis Evertsen the Younger

Sayonara, British suckers!!!

After just one day of demanding the Brits surrender New York City, the Dutch have successfully taken back the capitol of the colony under the direction of Admiral Cornelis Evertsen the Younger. We hear they have plans to rename the land “New Orange.”

Everyone really wants a piece of New York’s fine ass, but we’re not really sure why. Can’t the Dutch just take over the west side of America?? Then everyone would be happy!!

Do U think the Dutch should have reclaimed NYC?