New World Becomes More Popular, Bla BLaaa etc.

Colonizing the New World is the new black!!

Turns out everyone is ditching England to start life anew in the West. People are colonizing every piece of land they see, including Maryland, Connecticut and Rhode Island.

Everyone is all smiles until the Indians come shooting arrows through their brains!! Have fun with that!

YAWN, this is boring. Where’s the dramz???

Cuteness Overload

Filed under: Cute > Theodore Hamilton > Portrait > 1630s >

Call an ambulance because we just died from cuteness overload!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out this ADORABLE portrait of a little boy and his puppy. That pup is almost as cute as our little pooch, Theodore

You’re welcome. LOL!

R-Wills Separates Church and State

Some people are effing clueless.

Roger Williams, banished from Massachusetts for his “diverse, new and dangerous opinions”, declared that the Providence settlement he founded will have freedom of religion. 

He believes that each individual should be free to follow his or her own religion and that idolatry, Sabbath-breaking, false worship and blasphemy should not be punishable by law.

That’s just great. Before you know it, Satan worshippers will be running naked through the streets on Sundays!

Oh Hell No! John Oldham Murdered by Indians

Filed under: 1636 > Indians > 1630s >

WTF Indians?? Can’t you give killing innocent people a rest?

Well respected trader, John Oldham, was attacked on his way to trade with the Indians on Block Island. He and five of his crew died from the attacks.

Ooooh, we hope the Indians are sharpening their tomahawks because the colonists are gonna be pissed!!!

Colonists Declare War on Pequot Indians

Filed under: 1636 > Indians > Massachusetts > 1630s >

Indians Riding on Horses Into Battle

Are we surprised? No.

Are we excited? Yes!

John Endecott is leading 90 Massachusetts colonists to seek justice on the Pequot Indians for the killing of John Oldham. The plan is to massacre most of the Pequot population and steal their crops.

The Indians may look wimpy in their assless underwear but we don’t think they’ll go down without a fight. 

May the best white man win!!!

Portrait Hall of Fame!!

Filed under: LOL > Portrait > Sir Anthony van Dyck > 1630s >

He’s just grabbing his balls like it ain’t no thang!!

Check out this RIDICulous portrait of Joost de Hertoghe painted by our favorite queen artist Sir Anthony van Dyck.

He should have gotten his beauty sleep before his big portrait day, that boy is looking exhausted!! And what is he pointing to?? Maybe he’s yelling at his stylist for putting him in that hideous shiny bag??

Better luck next time, Joost. LOL! 

Mystic Massacre Kills Mostly Women & Children

Filed under: 1637 > Pilgrims > Indians > 1630s >

Pilgrims Murder Indians

Ummm, we can’t believe we’re saying this but we are really sad for the Indians.

Captain John Mason, along with Naragansett and Mohegan allies, set fire to the Pequot Indians' village to avenge the murder of John Oldham. Even though the village contained mostly women and children, John ordered his troops to kill anyone that tried to flee the fire. Over 600 Pequot died.

C’mon, bb! Why’d you have to kill women and children??? Absolutely deplorable.

We hope the Indians have learned their lesson for murdering innocent Pilgrims. May there be peace between everyone from now on.

Anne Hutchinson Goes on Trial

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Uh oh, someone’s been a bad girl!

A super preggers Anne Hutchinson has been put on trial for the charge of “traducing [speaking badly of] the ministers”. She’s been the talk of the town since she left her place in the kitchen to oppose strict religious orthodoxy in Massachusetts and the subordination of fellow women.

She stated during the trial:

"I feare none but the great Jehovah, and I doe verily beleeve that he will deliver me out of our hands, therefore take heed how you proceed against me; for I know that for this you goe about to doe to me, God will ruine you and your posterity, and this whole state.”

Wow, those are some BIG words for such a small woman!

What do U think about Anne Hutchinson's beliefs???

RIP: Peter Minuit

Filed under: 1638 > Indians > Manhattan > Peter Minuit > R.I.P. > 1630s >

peter minuit dies in a shipwreck, nobody cares

You’d think if he bought an island he would at least know how to swim! He was probably too busy making out with the Indians to learn!!

It’s being reported that Peter Minuit, the idiot who bought the cursed island of Manhattan from the Indians, has died. He drowned after his ship wrecked during a hurricane in the Caribbean.

Manhattan was worthless anyway. We can’t believe he paid for that dump in the first place!!

Harvard College Founded in New World

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So FUNgasmic!! We’re already really smart, but can we go too?!?!

Now men in the New World have a place to go in Massachusetts if they want to formally learn. John Harvard donated his whole entire book collection and half of his fortune to the new college so the founders named it after him. 

We could donate our favorite feather quill if they want to name it after us instead. Hamilton College sounds sooooo much better!

Just a thought!