Pilgrims Say Peace Out England and Get on Mayflower

Filed under: 1620 > 1620s > New World > Pilgrims > Mayflower >

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You can run, but you can’t hide!!!!

Over 100 Pilgrims have left England for the New World to seek religious freedom. As practicing Puritans, they were condemned by society for their disloyalty to the Church of England. Apparently their ship, the Mayflower missed the Virginia colony and ended up in some place called Cape Cod.

Excuse the British for trying to save their souls! And we don’t understand why it’s soooo hard to sail across the ocean. Isn’t that right up there with learning how to milk a cow???

We’ll be surprised if they make it through winter. God Bless your souls bitches!

Pilgrims Dig Up Indian Graves and Steal Their Maize

Filed under: 1620 > Pilgrims > Indians > 1620s >

What a great way to meet the neighbors!! 

The Pilgrims must have been REALLY hungry because they just walked on over to their neighbors’, the Nauset Indians, and stole their maize!! Then they thought it would be a good idea to dig up some of their graves. They found some really nice dishes and jewelry buried with the bodies, so they just took those too. We hear the Indians are mad!! Wow, SHOCKER!

Leave it to the Puritans to start robbing graves when they are bored. Ewwwww, so nasty!! We hope they at least wore gloves! 

We hate to admit it, but we’re with the Indians on this one. Yuck!

Indians Hold Little Boy for Ransom

Filed under: 1621 > Indians > Pilgrims > 1620s >

O rly??? We can’t say we’re surprised!

The Indians are still mad from when the Pilgrims messed with their dead and stole lots of their maize. So when a little Pilgrim boy, John Billington, got lost and ended up at the Indians' doorstep, they decided a little payback was in order. Apparently they want their maize back in return for the boy.

Hmmm, maize or a little boy?? We’d say this is a no-brainer, but then again, the Pilgrims really have no brains so who knows what they’ll end up doing!!

We hope little Johnny gets home safe!!!!!!

Indians & Pilgrims Throw Amazeballs Dinner Party

Filed under: 1620s > 1621 > Indians > Pilgrims > First Thanksgiving >

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O thank God!!

Little Johnny has been safely returned and now the Indians and Pilgrims are BFFs!! They’re such good friends that after a successful harvest they threw a dinner party lasting three days.

Omg, that’s like a 50 course meal!!!

William Bradford described the event:

"They begane now to gather in ye small harvest they had, and to fitte up their houses and dwellings against winter, being all well recovered in health & strenght, and had all things in good plenty; for as some were thus imployed in affairs abroad, others were excersised in fishing, aboute codd, & bass, & other fish, of which yey tooke good store, of which every family had their portion.

Ther was great store of wild Turkies, of which they tooke many, besids venison, they had about a peck a meale a weeke to a person, or now since harvest, Indean corn to yt proportion.”

Stop it Brad, you’re making us hungry!!!! At least save us some leftovers, fatties!! LOLz.

Separated At Birth

Left: Sir Anthony van Dyck's “Cornelius van der Geest”
Right: Diego Valazquez's “Portrait of a Man With a Goatee”

Jamestown Massacre Leaves…

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347 English settlers dead! 

Looks like the Indians woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!!

The Indians realized that the settlers aren’t in town for fun, they’re in town to take over their land. Chief Opechancanough, PocaHOntas' uncle, led a series of surprise attacks against the English. Supposedly, the Indians came unarmed into English homes before grabbing whatever weapons they could find and beating them all to death!!!!!

Wowza, the Jamestown settlers could learn a thing or two on friendship from the grave robbing Pilgrims!

Seaflower Ship Blows Up Like Whoa!

Filed under: 1620s > 1623 > Jamestown > Mayflower >

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First they had the Mayflower and now it’s the Seaflower. How creative!! 

Sources tell Perez Hamilton exclusively that the ship, which was supposed to bring supplies to Jamestown, has blown up in Bermuda due to the negligence of the Captain’s son.

Hmmmmm, we think it’s a little suspicious that a ship just blew up due to “negligence”. Maybe he blew it up because daddy wouldn’t buy him a bigger boat.

Thoughts??

Fill In The Blank

Filed under: FIll In The Blank > Indians > 1620s >

Indians like to walk around town naked because _________________.

The Most Precious Preciousness

Filed under: Theodore Hamilton > Portrait > 1620s >

theodore hamilton

Say hello to the newest member of our family, Theodore Hamilton!!!

We were just minding our own business when we saw this little angel on the street all alone! We were soooo in love that we knew we HAD to take him under our wing.

Welcome to the family, Theo!! Your new daddy loves you!!!!!

CW Tucker Poisons 200 Indians After Signing Treaty

Filed under: 1623 > Indians > Jamestown > 1620s >

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We’re not sure if we love him or hate him!

Captain William Tucker of Jamestown concluded peace negotiations with the Powhatan Indians with a toast.

That sounds cute, right?………WRONG!

The drinks they toasted with were actually full of poison! So 200 Indians died on the spot and the English slaughtered 50 more. 

CWT is so bad!! Naughty boy deserves a spanking!!! LOLs.