This place is cursed!!
After months of supply shortages, the people of Jamestown have called it quits. The few remaining survivors of the once promising settlement are packing up and sailing back to their REAL home.
Well, the New World was a nice idea while it lasted. See ya soon, morons!
UPDATE: Soon after they set sail for home, they met ships coming from England carrying supplies and new settlers. King James I doesn’t want his colony abandoned - even if they’re suffering.
We bet his first wife is crying in Heaven after hearing this news!
John Rolfe, well-known for planting the first tobacco crops in the New World, is marrying the daughter of a local Indian chief. As if marrying the enemy isn’t bad enough, his fiancé isn’t even Christian!!
Here’s an excerpt from a letter he wrote to the father of the bride:
“Motivated by the honor of our country, for the Glory of God, for my own salvation… namely PocaHOntas, to whom my hearty and best thoughts are, and have been a long time so entangled, and enthralled in so intricate a labyrinth that I was even a-wearied to unwind myself thereout.”
Barf. We all know he just wants some ass without looking like a sinner! Say your prayers, Johnny!
Good thing that mirror isn’t floor length or she’d have a heart attack!!! Just look at that BIG nasty butt!!
Peter Paul Rubens painted this oil painting, “Venus at a Mirror”, which he is presenting as the “ultimate symbol of beauty”.
We’re not sure if he’s JKing, but if this is beauty we WANT to be ugly!! And what’s with the floating head lady in the corner?! SpOoOoky.
Do U think PPR’s depiction of Venus is a symbol of beauty?
Well, they sure didn’t waste any time!
For anyone who cares, newlyweds PocaHOntas and John Rolfe are having a baby!
We’re not good at math or anything, but their announcement came awfully soon after their wedding. We wonder if they cheated a little bit by fornicating before PocaHOntas was baptized and they were officially married. Hmmm…
We bet they’re soo happy. We wish we could say the same!!
Left: Mary Queen of Scots (executed for treason)
Right: Anne Knollys (great niece of Anne Boleyn, executed for treason by her husband, King Henry VIII)
Omg, we’re sooooo excited!!
Our favorite seXXXy knight was just released from the Tower of London. Now he’s off to do courageous knight things like conduct an expedition to Venezuela to search for the El Dorado. We don’t know what that means but it sounds mysterious!!
Take us with you, we’ll be good we promise!!!
Ewwwwww we can smell their dead bodies from here!!
It’s being reported that a ton of Indians in the New World have died from smallpox. Even though the Indians are dropping dead left and right, our loved ones seem to be doing just fine!
Hmmm, we think it’s weird that our brothers and sisters are unaffected while the Indians are running out of grave plots. God clearly has a plan and it doesn’t involve non-Christians!
"Beauty is but skin deep."
- John Davies of Hereford from his book A Select Second Husband
We’re actually surprised she didn’t die sooner!! Sorry gurl, just because you married a good Christian doesn’t mean you’re on the safe list!!
PocaHOntas, her husband John Rolfe
who is going to Hell for converting and marrying a non-Christian, and their son were returning to Jamestown after living in England for a couple years. While crossing the ocean on their return, PocaHOntas fell gravely ill.
Her last words before dying in John Rolfe’s arms were:
"All must die, but tis enough that her child liveth."
They say death comes in threes…we hope we’re not next!! LOL.
Omg we are psychic! Death really DOES come in threes!!
When explorer Sir Walter Raleigh heard the fate of his dead son, he told Lawrence Kemys (who led SWR’s son into the fatal attack) that he could never forgive him. Apparently Lawrence was so upset that he shot himself in the chest!!!
It gets better.
The bullet didn’t even kill him so he had to stab himself in the chest too!! Thank God he had a gun AND a knife close by. That could have been bad!
And we thought the PocaHOntas-John Rolfe scandal was shocking!! LOLz.