Perez Hamilton

Salem Witch Accuser Ann Putnam "Apologizes"

Thu, 17 May 2012 05:41:15 -0700

We use the word “apology” VERY loosely!!

Ann Putnam, one of the most active accusers in the Salem witch trials, read an apology letter at her church for her involvement in the trials.

She stated in her letter:

“I desire to be humbled before God. It was a great delusion of Satan that deceived me in that sad time. I did not do it out of anger, malice, or ill-will.”

Bitch, please! It’s not an apology if you blame your actions on someone else!!!

Ick!

Dear Virginia, THIS Sucks! HOrrible Slave Code Passed!

Wed, 16 May 2012 06:02:00 -0700

Srsly??? How is slavery STILL acceptable?!?!

The Virginia Slave Code has laid down the law and it ain’t pretty! It declares non-Christian servants entering the colony to be slaves; acquits masters who have killed slaves during punishment; outlaws slaves and free colored peeps from physically assaulting the whites; and prohibits slaves from bearing arms or moving abroad without permission.

And you call that a life??? Even animals have more rights than that!

How long do U give it before the slaves revolt again????

Pirate (With Silly Ass Flag) Hanged

Tue, 15 May 2012 05:36:29 -0700

OK, OK, so we added the pee coming out of that man’s vagina, but everything else is ACTUALLY what the flag looks like!!! LOL.

Pirate John Quelch and his crew plundered NINE different ships off the coast of Brazil that contained sugar, hides, gold, guns and more. Before sailing back to mASSachusetts where Quelch and co. were hanged for piracy, the crew supposedly made a pit stop off the American coast at Star Island to bury some treasure.

We won’t waste our time. If he was as high when he buried treasure as the day he designed his flag, he probably buried nothing of value.

RIP, dumb ass!

Frenchmen and Indians Kill & Kidnap Massachusetts Peeps

Mon, 14 May 2012 12:26:00 -0700

Run for your lives!!! The Indians are thirsty for more blood!!!!!

France and England are once again fighting for control over America in what is being called “Queen Anne’s War.” The sneaky little French have convinced local Indians to attack Deerfield, mASSachusetts because they’re pissed that the English keep settling in the north. French and Indian forces killed approximately 56 people and kidnapped over 100 in the middle of the night!!!!!

Yeeesh! Thank goodness we sold our vacation home in Deerfield… we could have been KILLED!!!

We hope those who have been kidnapped are returned safely.

Frenchman Opens School For Slaves in New York

Sat, 12 May 2012 17:37:00 -0700

Hallelujah!!!

Frenchman Elias Naud said the slaves, “who were without God in the world and of whose souls there was no manner of care taken,” needed someone to show them the light of God. He has now opened a school to teach slaves all about the principles of religion.

Ugghhh, why didn’t we think of that??? He’s definitely going to Heaven now!!

Good job, ~~suck up~~ Elias!

Connecticut and Rhode Island FINALLY Agree on Border

Fri, 11 May 2012 06:01:00 -0700

Sometimes apologizing is SO much easier than fighting.

These two bitches, Connecticutie and Rhode ~~Not Even a Real~~ Island, have been feuding forever about boundaries. Now the little love birds have agreed upon a common boundary line.

Yay!! Happy endings ALWAYS make us cry!!!

Governor of NY and NJ Cross-Dresses as a Woman!!!!

Thu, 10 May 2012 05:49:00 -0700

U go, gurl!!!!!!!!

Governor of NY and NJ, Edward Hyde, 3rd Earl of Clarendon, has been dressing in women’s clothing!! Recently he opened the New York Assembly wearing a gown, a headdress and carrying a fan like Queen Anne.

Another source of ours claims:

“[He wears women’s clothing and hides] behind trees to pounce, shrieking with laughter, on his victims.”

Cross-dressing is one thing, but pouncing on people he’s supposed to govern is another!! We don’t know if we love ~~her~~ him or hate ~~her~~ him!!!

What do U think?? Is it okay for people in office to cross-dress in public???

Reverend John Hale Writes Book to Criticize Salem Witch Trials

Wed, 09 May 2012 05:43:05 -0700

Ewwwwww! There’s NOTHING worse than a flip-flopper!!!

The book A Modest Enquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft, written by the now deceased John ~~flip-flopper~~ Hale, has been published. John was one of the most prominent and influential clergymen involved in the 1692 Salem witch trials and was a supporter of persecuting the witches. It seems he apparently changed his mind.

A Modest Enquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft offers a critique of the trials and suggests that the Devil himself is responsible for everything that went down in 1692 and NOT necessarily the “witches.”

Sounds like SOMEONE had a guilty conscious for hanging all those poor innocent ~~witches~~ people!! We hope for his sake that God accepts this ~~pathetic~~ apology!

East and West Jersey Unite into New Jersey

Tue, 08 May 2012 09:47:50 -0700

WOOO HOOO!!!! Even more Jersey for us to party in!!!

East and West Jersey have united into the royal colony of New Jersey under the rule of Queen Anne. Edward Hyde, 3rd Earl of Clarendon (aka Lord Cornbury) has been named governor.

You were never too “old” for us, but congrats on the royal upgrade, New Jersey!!!

RIP: King William III

Tue, 08 May 2012 06:03:00 -0700

Nooooooooooo!!!!! How could this be?!!?

Shortly after learning that we might have a shot at getting with our royal ~~queen~~ King William III, God took him away abruptly from us. He passed away due to complications after getting injured from falling off his horse, Sorrel.

Well there’s the root of the problem right there!!! If you name your horse something as wimpy as ~~Squirrel~~ Sorrel, we can’t blame him for throwing the King off!!!

Only the good die young. RIP.

Fort Detroit Founded by French

Fri, 04 May 2012 09:55:40 -0700

DETROIT?? That’s not so bad!

We’re surprised the French didn’t name it something stoopider, like Fort Croissant! LOL.

French officer Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac has erected a fort to keep the British from expanding west and to monopolize on the fur trade. Cadillac was also the commander of Fort de Buade, but it was abandoned a few years ago after conflicts with religious leaders over the trading of alcohol with Indians.

What conflict??? Alcohol never hurt anyone!!

If Jesus’s blood is made from it, it must be good!!!!

King William III is (Hopefully) Gay!!!!!

Fri, 04 May 2012 05:55:01 -0700

OUR DREAM COME TRUE!!!! How did our gaydar not go off earlier?!?!!?

Word is buzzing all over town that King William III is getting it on with the seksi men around him. Rumor has it that he is constantly around his close ~~f*ck buddies~~ guy friends and he only had ONE mistress when he was with his wifey, Queen Mary II.

Hmmm, that’s why he was probably sooo sad when QMII died. She was his beard!!!

We’ll take care of you, bb!! We know a FABOOSH secret hideaway down the Jersey shore!!

Captain William Kidd Hanged for Piracy

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 07:20:01 -0700

Tough break, bb!!!

Word of William Kidd’s piracy has travelled back to the people who funded his most recent expedition. In an effort to appear from looking guilty of piracy themselves, they have turned in Kidd for his illegal actions. He was found guilty of murder and piracy and has been executed by hanging.

The people with all the money ALWAYS get off the hook.

RIP.

mASSachusetts Law: Roman Catholic Priests Must Leave or Die

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:04:04 -0700

Happy New Century, bitches!!!! To celebrate, the mASSholes are enjoying their favorite pastime: threatening innocent people!!

mASSachusetts has passed a law that gives Roman Catholic priests three months to leave the colony or face life in prison and even execution.

When there aren’t any witches to kill, priests are the next best thing!!

HA.

Smallpox Epidemic Breaks Out in Philly

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 09:15:23 -0700

Yikes!

A large outbreak of the deadly smallpox disease has spread throughout Philadelphia. We hear new colonists coming over from Europe are guilty of bringing the disease to America. Smallpox is HIGHLY contagious, so doctors recommend staying away from the infected at all costs.

Ewww, that disease makes people SO ugly looking! We are NOT going outside until that the disease has left America!!!

Captain William Kidd Turns Into a Pirate

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 18:46:16 -0700

Wasn’t he supposed to capture pirates??? NOT become one!!!

As we reported earlier, Captain Kidd was hired to attack pirate and enemy French ships and steal their money. Sadly for Kidd, he hasn’t been able to find any of these ships and is basically sinking all of his investors’ money. Afraid of failure, Kidd has allegedly resorted to attacking ships that weren’t even part of the deal. Rumors have circulated that he’s now one with the pirates.

What gives, bb?? We know failing can be scary but nobody’s perfect!!

Piracy is NEVER the answer.

King William's War Ends With Treaty of Ryswick

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 09:53:23 -0700

Yay! Glad everyone could kiss and make up!

New France and New England along with their respective Indian allies have finally called a truce after years of bloodshed over American territory. They have decided that the land will revert to the “Status quo ante bellum,” which is just a fancy way of saying it will go back to the way things were before the war started.

If everyone’s territory went back to the way it used to be, then that means the war was basically a waste of everyone’s time???

That makes a WHOLE lot of sense!

Captain Kidd Murders His Crew Member With a Bucket

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:32:46 -0700

Isn’t his crew made of criminals??? We thought that HE’D be the one getting murdered!!!

Captain William Kidd has allegedly killed one of his own crew members. The victim supposedly urged Kidd to attack a Dutch ship close by. Kidd refused because he’s not a pirate and he’s made of Dutch blood.

Kidd called the guy a lousy dog, to which he retorted:

“If I am a lousy dog, you have made me so; you have brought me to ruin and many more.”

GASP. O no he din’t!!!!!! But he did. So Kidd swung an ironbound bucket at him and fractured his skull.

Tsk tsk, Kidd!! You should know better than to murder your crew!

Captain William Kidd Hires Crew Made of Criminals & Ex-Pirates

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 11:12:36 -0700

To catch a pirate, you have to think like a pirate! Ha!

Before embarking on his mission to kick pirate booty, most of Kidd’s crew had to unexpectedly report for Navy duty. Not having a big enough crew to set sail, Kidd was forced to hire those in the area who were available, which consisted mostly of former pirates and criminals.

Something tells us that being stranded in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of crazy people is NOT a good idea!!!

NY Governor Sends Captain William Kidd to Hunt Pirates

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:03:07 -0700

He can tell us to walk the plank any day of the week!!

Seksi Captain William Kidd has been hired by NY governor Richard Coote to attack and capture pirates and French enemy ships. Even though William has asked to sail under the full protection of the King and with a fully trained crew, Coote rejected the idea. Instead, he has promised Kidd pirate riches if the expedition goes as planned. If it doesn’t, Kidd will have to pay back Coote and his investors the cost of the expedition.

The whole thing DOES sound a little sketchy to us, but that’s what makes it even hawter!!

Go get ‘em, Kidd!