Perez Hamilton

It's the FALL of MontreAL

Wed, 08 May 2013 12:32:00 -0700

Yay, we made a rhyme!!!

We’re hearing that the Frenchies surrendered Montreal to the Brits, basically handing over control of French Canada. As the Brits approached with their army to nab the powerful city, the Frenchies pretty much peed their pants and their governor, Pierre de Rigaud de Vaudreuil de Cavagnal, Marquis de ~~abcdefghijklmnop~~ Vaudreuilraised, raised the white flag.

Wow, the governor actually made the right call! It’s ALWAYS smarter to let go of your ego than allow for senseless bloodshed.

Ummmmm, wait. Did we just side with the Frenchies?!?!?!

Either shoot us or hand over a pair of those HOT French shoes to make us feel better!

LOLz!!!!!!

Portrait Hall of SHAME

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:30:00 -0700

Is it a woman??? A man???? Two DIFFERENT people?!?!

We’re convinced homeboy just knows how to work his makeup brush!!!

Both portratis above were done in the same year by two different artists. Adolf Moritz Sachsen-Zeits (right) is a Czech Bishop and A.M. Izmailova (left) is some Russian lady who is friends with an Empress.

OMG, what if these twinsies hooked up and had babies that looked just like them?????

That would be soo ~~hilarious~~ unfortunate!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Britain Seizes Quebec in the Battle of the Plains of Abraham

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 08:48:00 -0700

Try saying that 10x fast!!!!

This pivotal battle, AKA “The Battle of Quebec,” was fought on farmer Abraham Martin’s property just outside Quebec city.

Poor Abe!! He probably went outside to feed the cows and found a freaking war on his lawn. LOL!

The siege took place over three months, but the actual battle only lasted a measly 15 minutes. Both the British leader, James Wolfe, and the French leader, Louis-Joseph de Montcalm, were mortally wounded in the attack.

THANK GAWD!! Brits rule, Frenchies DROOL!!!!!

Brits Steal from the French in the Siege of Louisbourg

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 12:53:49 -0700

Mee-ow!

These Brits are getting feisty!!!!

In order to gain easy access to all of Atlantic Canada, the Brits set out to siege control of the French Fortress of Louisbourg. After days of going at it, the ~~pansy~~ French finally surrendered.

With Louisbourg out of the way, we have a feeling that Quebec will be next.

It’s “aboot” time!! We are SO over the French and their MAJOR ‘tude!

#TeamBrits forever!!!!!

The Great Fire of Boston Destroys the City

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 21:06:00 -0700

Ugh! What a buzzkill.

If you didn’t already know, the city of Boston is primarily built out of wooden structures packed very closely together. When a series of small fires broke out, it proved to be devastating. Within just three days, 349 buildings were destroyed while thousands were left homeless. Thankfully, no one was killed.

Fire is SO scary!!!

No wonder the Devil loves it so much!!!!

16-Year-Old Girl Kidnapped and Brainwashed by Indians

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 22:04:16 -0700

Ewww.

She probably eats bugs now or whatever those hippies eat!

Mary Jemison was captured by the Shawnee Indians and sold to the Senecas. Her family wasn’t so “lucky,” because they were killed and scalped pretty soon after their capture. Mary was adopted into the Indian tribe and given the new name, DehgEwANUS.

Dehg-ew-anus?????? Leave it to the Indians to mess up a name!

Word on the street is EwAnus is adapting nicely into her new fam and will soon marry.

Uh-huh. Good luck with that, bb!

The Indians Eff Up More Military Operations

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 00:52:04 -0800

For once, we wish the Indians would just surprise us and actually DO what they’re told!!

After days of fighting, the British finally surrendered Fort William Henry to the Frenchies. The terms of the surrender included that the Brits also peacefully withdraw from another one of their forts, Fort Edward, while the French military protected them.

SO, guess what happens next???

The French-Indians said, bitch plz! They went against the agreement, killing and scalping a TON of defenseless Brits who were evacuating Fort Edward.

And we thought WE had anger issues.

Can anyone recommend a good therapist for the entire Indian population???

Quote of the Day

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 14:32:15 -0800

“Men… must have corrupted nature a little, for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves. ~~Plus, they can’t dance, they have terrible fashion sense AND they can’t keep it in their pants!~~”

- Voltaire in his novella, Candide

Nooooooooo!!!!! Hawtie Washie Marries Martha Dandridge Custis!!!!

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 20:20:10 -0800

You might as well bury us because we DIED from this news today.

George Washington married his stoopid girlfriend, Martha, 27. MILF Martha already has four children from a previous marriage, who was an old rich guy that died a couple years ago.

Four kids???????

Her vajayjay must be HUGE.

At the wedding, Washie wore a blue and silver cloth suit with red trimming and gold knee buckles while MILF Martha wore purple silk shoes with spangled buckles.

Ew. Purple on your wedding day is so tacky!!!

Do U think MILF Martha is good enough for Hawtie Washie?

Rich Boy Thomas Jefferson's Daddy Dies

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 00:02:00 -0800

Boo-hoo. Better wipe away those tears with all that money!!!

Jefferslut got a big allowance when daddy died. He inherited 5,000 acres of land and a bunch of slaves at just 14 years old.

At 14 you barely know how to milk a cow, so how can you possibly OWN human beings???

We can’t even take care of our cat!!!

Speaking of which, has anyone seen Whiskers?!?!!?

LOL.

Great Britain Declares War on the French

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 23:54:08 -0800

When we’re craving chocolate, we want to murder someone, too!!!!!!!

Almost two years since the fighting first began in America, Europe has decided to get in on the action. Great Britain has officially declared war on the Frenchies.

We REALLY want GB to win so they can turn the French into crepe-making servants.

Fat IS the new thin!!!!!!

A Douche Writes a Love Poem to Pennsylvania

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 23:42:06 -0800

Oopsies, did we say douche??? We meant Duché, as in Jacob Duché!

Duché loves his home so much that he even wrote it a love poem describing its natural beauty. He creatively titled it, “Pennsylvania: A Poem.“

Five gold stars, ~~douche~~ Duché!!

A word of advice: When you’re so lonely that you woo Mother Nature, it’s time to leave the house and get laid.

What????

We won’t tell God if you won’t!!!!!

The Brits Burn a Zillion Calories in Battle of Lake George

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 21:03:47 -0800

After getting their asses handed to them earlier this year, the Brits finally got to say, “Told ya so!” when they defeated the French in battle.

Ugh, LOVE that feeling!

Pissed that the Frenchies have been taking over America, the Brits sought to destroy one of their key forts, Fort St. Frédéric. At first, the Frenchies were winning, but when their Indian allies refused to attack their fellow Indians inside the British troop, things got a little cray-cray.

Basically, the Brits ended up winning the battle even though they didn’t take over Fort St. Frédéric.

Moral of the story, the Indians screwed over everyone else again. We know, we know… you’re SO shocked!!!

LOL.

The Earth Had a Dance Party in mASSachusetts!!!

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 00:21:00 -0800

Most people would call it an earthquake, but we’d like to think mASSachusetts was just raging to some Bach!!! LOL.

mASSachusetts was in for quite a shock the other day because it experienced its worst earthquake EVER. More than a thousand chimneys were damaged in nature’s attack.

GASP.

Like most townsfolk, we bet the quake was a result of immoral behavior, but Harvard ~~‘I think I’m so smart’~~ professor John Winthrop has another theory — something to do with, “heat and chemical vapors inside the surface of the earth.”

Puh-lease. Gurlfriend’s just looking for an excuse to keep sinning.

Go ahead, Winthrop, get on with yo’ bad Devil-loving-self!

Ha!

The Smelly Frenchies DESTROY the Brits

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 00:01:06 -0800

Maybe if the Brits weren’t so busy showering, they’d have more time to practice war things!!!

The Brits sent Major General Edward Braddock to capture Fort Duquesne and take over the Ohio Country, but he screwed up BIG time. He underestimated just how strong the French and their allies would be. He got shot in the chest and his surviving troops retreated.

On the bright side, George Washington came out of his retirement or whatever to volunteer in the battle.

Yay!!

John Adams's Diary LEAKED!!!

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 21:16:50 -0800

And you won’t BELIEVE what’s inside!

When we heard that Harvard grad John Adams kept a diary ~~like a little girl~~, we knew we HAD to get our hands on it!! Luckily, our sources managed to get a copy of his juicy confessions.

Here’s one entry:

“A fair, warm spring like Day. Drank Tea and supped at Mr. Greenes.”

And another:

“A rainy Day.”

And still another:

“Fair and cold Weather. An extream cold night.”

Omg. U know what this means, don’t U?!!? John Adams is officially the most UNINTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD.

Seriously, though. Where’s all the dirty secrets, love affairs and hard pAArtying????

Yawn.

Could This be the End for George Washington?!

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 23:47:40 -0800

Just shoot us now!

We can’t even imagine a world where there’s no Hawtie Washie to protect us!!

23-year-old Hawtie Washie quit his job as lieutenant colonel because the Brits dealt a MASSIVE blow to his ego. Those cheap bastards don’t pay enough and they’re now making colonial officers subordinate to ALL Brit officers, regardless of rank.

Now, c’mon Brits. Be reasonable! Give Washie what he wants because, well, HELLO. Just look at that cuh-yoot face!!!

Do we really NEED another reason?!!?

Who Wore it Best?!?!

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 00:27:05 -0800

It’s a fashion face-off and there may be NO survivors!!!!!

Both painted in 1755, we have Anna Rosina de Gas’s “Michał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania” (left) and Pietro Rotari’s “Portrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony” (right).

We don’t know if it’s all that church wine we drank, but we’re seeing double!!!

The only thing Michal has over Carl is that silly little elf man in the background, who is looking quite seksi himself.

LOL.

New York City Founds First College

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:14:00 -0800

Mmm, MmmMm, MmmMmmm… nothing keeps us warm at night like some good ‘ol fashioned learning!

After getting super jeal that New Jersey founded its own college (Princeton University), New York decided they wanted one, too. King’s College is now the first institution of higher learning in all of New York.

Loves it!

The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 18:45:00 -0800

Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!

Yuck!

Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War,” (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).

The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.

Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!

What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????

Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.