Could This be the End for George Washington?!

george washington

Just shoot us now!

We can’t even imagine a world where there’s no Hawtie Washie to protect us!!

23-year-old Hawtie Washie quit his job as lieutenant colonel because the Brits dealt a MASSIVE blow to his ego. Those cheap bastards don’t pay enough and they’re now making colonial officers subordinate to ALL Brit officers, regardless of rank. 

Now, c’mon Brits. Be reasonable! Give Washie what he wants because, well, HELLO. Just look at that cuh-yoot face!!!

Do we really NEED another reason?!!?

Who Wore it Best?!?!

Anna Rosina de Gas's "Michał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania" and on the right is Pietro Rotari's "Portrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony."

It’s a fashion face-off and there may be NO survivors!!!!!

Both painted in 1755, we have Anna Rosina de Gas’sMichał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania” (left) and Pietro Rotari’sPortrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony” (right).

We don’t know if it’s all that church wine we drank, but we’re seeing double!!!

The only thing Michal has over Carl is that silly little elf man in the background, who is looking quite seksi himself.

LOL.

New York City Founds First College

columbia university

Mmm, MmmMm, MmmMmmm… nothing keeps us warm at night like some good ‘ol fashioned learning!

After getting super jeal that New Jersey founded its own college (Princeton University), New York decided they wanted one, too. King’s College is now the first institution of higher learning in all of New York.

Loves it!

The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED

albany congress albany union

Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!

Yuck!

Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War," (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).

The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.

Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!

What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????

Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.

Quote of the Day

benjamin franklin

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. So don’t be a dumbass and read your Perez Hamilton, kids.

- Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin Says, “Join, or Die”!!!!

join or die

When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first 'death threat via newspaper' ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!

Washington Signs Incriminating French Document He Can’t Read

george washington

Silly Washie!

After his dumbass Indian friends killed a bunch of innocent FrenchiesWashie built Fort Necessity nearby in anticipation of French retaliation. Even though his Indian allies were responsible for starting the whole mess, they ditched Washington before the French returned for vengeance.

Real cute, Indians. REAL cute.

As predicted, the French DID come back for blood and pretty much destroyed Washington's troop. The French commander let Washie surrender if he signed a French document admitting to having killed the previous French commander, Jumonville. Hottie Washie signed it, but it was a trick. It REALLY said that Washington confessed to murdering Jumonville even though he had come in peace on a diplomatic mission.

We love you, Washie, but get it together!! STOP signing documents you can’t translate!!!

Sigh.

Washington’s Indian Allies Go Effing NUTS

george washington fml

Get ready for a shockfest!!

George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.

The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and put a hatchet through his skull just because he could.

RUDE!! These Indians have NO social graces.

Before Washie could stop the insanity, his Indian allies killed the remaining French soldiers and scalped them. 

We bet the Frenchies back home are gonna llloooovvvee this news!!!!!

#facepalm

George Washington Preps to Kick French Booty!!!!

george washington

We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!

After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and made the Brits leave mid-construction. 

And because our Hottie Washie works so hard, he was just promoted to lieutenant colonel of the Virginia militia. He is now leading about 200 Virginians and Indian allies to fight the French.

YAY! Congrats on the promotion, Washie!!! Stay safe!

XXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!

BREAKING XMAS NEWS: Get Paid to Kill Wild Animals!

santa paying the bills

Holy shiz! That’s SOOO newsworthy!!!!!

At least that’s what the Boston Gazette thinks, because that’s basically their front page headline this Christmas.

The new law they’re referring to authorizes, “the killing of Wolves, Bears, Wild Cats, and Catamounts within the Province.” The law rewards the following:

  • Every grown wolf: 4 pounds
  • Every baby wolf: 40 shillings
  • Every grown wild cat: 10 shillings
  • Every baby wild cat: 5 shillings

Hey, who are we to judge?? Santa’s gotta pay for those presents somehow!!!!!! 

Merry ChristopherColumbusmas!!!