The Brits Burn a Zillion Calories in Battle of Lake George

Filed under: 1755 > French and Indian War > War > 1750s > Indians >

image

After getting their asses handed to them earlier this year, the Brits finally got to say, “Told ya so!” when they defeated the French in battle. 

Ugh, LOVE that feeling!

Pissed that the Frenchies have been taking over America, the Brits sought to destroy one of their key forts, Fort St. Frédéric. At first, the Frenchies were winning, but when their Indian allies refused to attack their fellow Indians inside the British troop, things got a little cray-cray.

Basically, the Brits ended up winning the battle even though they didn’t take over Fort St. Frédéric.

Moral of the story, the Indians screwed over everyone else again. We know, we know… you’re SO shocked!!!

LOL.

The Earth Had a Dance Party in mASSachusetts!!!

image

Most people would call it an earthquake, but we’d like to think mASSachusetts was just raging to some Bach!!! LOL.

mASSachusetts was in for quite a shock the other day because it experienced its worst earthquake EVER. More than a thousand chimneys were damaged in nature’s attack. 

GASP.

Like most townsfolk, we bet the quake was a result of immoral behavior, but Harvard 'I think I'm so smart' professor John Winthrop has another theory — something to do with, “heat and chemical vapors inside the surface of the earth.”

Puh-lease. Gurlfriend’s just looking for an excuse to keep sinning.

Go ahead, Winthrop, get on with yo’ bad Devil-loving-self!

Ha!

The Smelly Frenchies DESTROY the Brits

image

Maybe if the Brits weren’t so busy showering, they’d have more time to practice war things!!!

The Brits sent Major General Edward Braddock to capture Fort Duquesne and take over the Ohio Country, but he screwed up BIG time. He underestimated just how strong the French and their allies would be. He got shot in the chest and his surviving troops retreated.

On the bright side, George Washington came out of his retirement or whatever to volunteer in the battle.

Yay!!

John Adams’s Diary LEAKED!!!

Filed under: 1755 > John Adams > 1750s >

john adams

And you won’t BELIEVE what’s inside!

When we heard that Harvard grad John Adams kept a diary like a little girl, we knew we HAD to get our hands on it!! Luckily, our sources managed to get a copy of his juicy confessions.

Here’s one entry:

A fair, warm spring like Day. Drank Tea and supped at Mr. Greenes.”

And another:

A rainy Day.”

And still another:

"Fair and cold Weather. An extream cold night.”

Omg. U know what this means, don’t U?!!? John Adams is officially the most UNINTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD.

Seriously, though. Where’s all the dirty secrets, love affairs and hard pAArtying???? 

Yawn.

Could This be the End for George Washington?!

george washington

Just shoot us now!

We can’t even imagine a world where there’s no Hawtie Washie to protect us!!

23-year-old Hawtie Washie quit his job as lieutenant colonel because the Brits dealt a MASSIVE blow to his ego. Those cheap bastards don’t pay enough and they’re now making colonial officers subordinate to ALL Brit officers, regardless of rank. 

Now, c’mon Brits. Be reasonable! Give Washie what he wants because, well, HELLO. Just look at that cuh-yoot face!!!

Do we really NEED another reason?!!?

Who Wore it Best?!?!

Anna Rosina de Gas's "Michał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania" and on the right is Pietro Rotari's "Portrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony."

It’s a fashion face-off and there may be NO survivors!!!!!

Both painted in 1755, we have Anna Rosina de Gas’sMichał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania” (left) and Pietro Rotari’sPortrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony” (right).

We don’t know if it’s all that church wine we drank, but we’re seeing double!!!

The only thing Michal has over Carl is that silly little elf man in the background, who is looking quite seksi himself.

LOL.

New York City Founds First College

columbia university

Mmm, MmmMm, MmmMmmm… nothing keeps us warm at night like some good ‘ol fashioned learning!

After getting super jeal that New Jersey founded its own college (Princeton University), New York decided they wanted one, too. King’s College is now the first institution of higher learning in all of New York.

Loves it!

The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED

albany congress albany union

Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!

Yuck!

Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War," (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).

The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s proposal to unite the thirteen British colonies under one government but, when they sent the plan to each of the Colonial Assemblies and to the British Board of Trade, it was rejected. They don’t like the idea of the colonies becoming too strong for them to control.

Ohhh, we’re sooo scary. God forbid we come together to protect ourselves!!

What do they think we’re going to do?? Overthrow the Crown??????

Ha! We’re at least smarter than THAT.

Quote of the Day

benjamin franklin

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. So don’t be a dumbass and read your Perez Hamilton, kids.

- Benjamin Franklin

Benjamin Franklin Says, “Join, or Die”!!!!

join or die

When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first 'death threat via newspaper' ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!