The Indians Eff Up More Military Operations

For once, we wish the Indians would just surprise us and actually DO what they’re told!!

After days of fighting, the British finally surrendered Fort William Henry to the Frenchies. The terms of the surrender included that the Brits also peacefully withdraw from another one of their forts, Fort Edward, while the French military protected them. 

SO, guess what happens next???

The French-Indians said, bitch plz! They went against the agreement, killing and scalping a TON of defenseless Brits who were evacuating Fort Edward.

And we thought WE had anger issues.

Can anyone recommend a good therapist for the entire Indian population???

Quote of the Day

Filed under: 1759 > Voltaire > Quote of the Day > 1750s > top 10 >

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"Men… must have corrupted nature a little, for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves. Plus, they can’t dance, they have terrible fashion sense AND they can’t keep it in their pants!

- Voltaire in his novella, Candide

Nooooooooo!!!!! Hawtie Washie Marries Martha Dandridge Custis!!!!

You might as well bury us because we DIED from this news today.

George Washington married his stoopid girlfriend, Martha, 27. MILF Martha already has four children from a previous marriage, who was an old rich guy that died a couple years ago.

Four kids???????

Her vajayjay must be HUGE. 

At the wedding, Washie wore a blue and silver cloth suit with red trimming and gold knee buckles while MILF Martha wore purple silk shoes with spangled buckles.

Ew. Purple on your wedding day is so tacky!!!

Do U think MILF Martha is good enough for Hawtie Washie?

Rich Boy Thomas Jefferson’s Daddy Dies

Filed under: 1757 > 1750s > Thomas Jefferson > Monticello > Slavery >

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Boo-hoo. Better wipe away those tears with all that money!!!

Jefferslut got a big allowance when daddy died. He inherited 5,000 acres of land and a bunch of slaves at just 14 years old.

At 14 you barely know how to milk a cow, so how can you possibly OWN human beings???

We can’t even take care of our cat!!!

Speaking of which, has anyone seen Whiskers?!?!!?

LOL.

Great Britain Declares War on the French

Filed under: 1756 > 1750s > War > Seven Years' War >

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When we’re craving chocolate, we want to murder someone, too!!!!!!!

Almost two years since the fighting first began in America, Europe has decided to get in on the action. Great Britain has officially declared war on the Frenchies.

We REALLY want GB to win so they can turn the French into crepe-making servants.

Fat IS the new thin!!!!!!

A Douche Writes a Love Poem to Pennsylvania

Filed under: 1756 > 1750s > Poetry > Pennsylvania > God >

Oopsies, did we say douche??? We meant Duché, as in Jacob Duché!

Duché loves his home so much that he even wrote it a love poem describing its natural beauty. He creatively titled it, “Pennsylvania: A Poem.

Five gold stars, douche Duché!!

A word of advice: When you’re so lonely that you woo Mother Nature, it’s time to leave the house and get laid.

What???? 

We won’t tell God if you won’t!!!!!

The Brits Burn a Zillion Calories in Battle of Lake George

Filed under: 1755 > French and Indian War > War > 1750s > Indians >

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After getting their asses handed to them earlier this year, the Brits finally got to say, “Told ya so!” when they defeated the French in battle. 

Ugh, LOVE that feeling!

Pissed that the Frenchies have been taking over America, the Brits sought to destroy one of their key forts, Fort St. Frédéric. At first, the Frenchies were winning, but when their Indian allies refused to attack their fellow Indians inside the British troop, things got a little cray-cray.

Basically, the Brits ended up winning the battle even though they didn’t take over Fort St. Frédéric.

Moral of the story, the Indians screwed over everyone else again. We know, we know… you’re SO shocked!!!

LOL.

The Earth Had a Dance Party in mASSachusetts!!!

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Most people would call it an earthquake, but we’d like to think mASSachusetts was just raging to some Bach!!! LOL.

mASSachusetts was in for quite a shock the other day because it experienced its worst earthquake EVER. More than a thousand chimneys were damaged in nature’s attack. 

GASP.

Like most townsfolk, we bet the quake was a result of immoral behavior, but Harvard 'I think I'm so smart' professor John Winthrop has another theory — something to do with, “heat and chemical vapors inside the surface of the earth.”

Puh-lease. Gurlfriend’s just looking for an excuse to keep sinning.

Go ahead, Winthrop, get on with yo’ bad Devil-loving-self!

Ha!

The Smelly Frenchies DESTROY the Brits

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Maybe if the Brits weren’t so busy showering, they’d have more time to practice war things!!!

The Brits sent Major General Edward Braddock to capture Fort Duquesne and take over the Ohio Country, but he screwed up BIG time. He underestimated just how strong the French and their allies would be. He got shot in the chest and his surviving troops retreated.

On the bright side, George Washington came out of his retirement or whatever to volunteer in the battle.

Yay!!

John Adams’s Diary LEAKED!!!

Filed under: 1755 > John Adams > 1750s >

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And you won’t BELIEVE what’s inside!

When we heard that Harvard grad John Adams kept a diary like a little girl, we knew we HAD to get our hands on it!! Luckily, our sources managed to get a copy of his juicy confessions.

Here’s one entry:

A fair, warm spring like Day. Drank Tea and supped at Mr. Greenes.”

And another:

A rainy Day.”

And still another:

"Fair and cold Weather. An extream cold night.”

Omg. U know what this means, don’t U?!!? John Adams is officially the most UNINTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD.

Seriously, though. Where’s all the dirty secrets, love affairs and hard pAArtying???? 

Yawn.