BREAKING NEWS: Britain Seizes Quebec in the Battle of the Plains of Abraham

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Try saying that 10x fast!!!! 

This pivotal battle, AKA “The Battle of Quebec,” was fought on farmer Abraham Martin’s property just outside Quebec city. 

Poor Abe!! He probably went outside to feed the cows and found a freaking war on his lawn. LOL!

The siege took place over three months, but the actual battle only lasted a measly 15 minutes. Both the British leader, James Wolfe, and the French leader, Louis-Joseph de Montcalm, were mortally wounded in the attack.

THANK GAWD!! Brits rule, Frenchies DROOL!!!!!

Brits Steal from the French in the Siege of Louisbourg

Mee-ow!

These Brits are getting feisty!!!!

In order to gain easy access to all of Atlantic Canada, the Brits set out to siege control of the French Fortress of Louisbourg. After days of going at it, the pansy French finally surrendered. 

With Louisbourg out of the way, we have a feeling that Quebec will be next.

It’s “aboot” time!! We are SO over the French and their MAJOR ‘tude!

#TeamBrits forever!!!!!

The Great Fire of Boston Destroys the City

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Ugh! What a buzzkill.

If you didn’t already know, the city of Boston is primarily built out of wooden structures packed very closely together. When a series of small fires broke out, it proved to be devastating. Within just three days, 349 buildings were destroyed while thousands were left homeless. Thankfully, no one was killed.

Fire is SO scary!!!

No wonder the Devil loves it so much!!!!

16-Year-Old Girl Kidnapped and Brainwashed by Indians

Ewww.

She probably eats bugs now or whatever those hippies eat!

Mary Jemison was captured by the Shawnee Indians and sold to the Senecas. Her family wasn’t so “lucky,” because they were killed and scalped pretty soon after their capture. Mary was adopted into the Indian tribe and given the new name, DehgEwANUS.

Dehg-ew-anus?????? Leave it to the Indians to mess up a name!

Word on the street is EwAnus is adapting nicely into her new fam and will soon marry.

Uh-huh. Good luck with that, bb!

The Indians Eff Up More Military Operations

For once, we wish the Indians would just surprise us and actually DO what they’re told!!

After days of fighting, the British finally surrendered Fort William Henry to the Frenchies. The terms of the surrender included that the Brits also peacefully withdraw from another one of their forts, Fort Edward, while the French military protected them. 

SO, guess what happens next???

The French-Indians said, bitch plz! They went against the agreement, killing and scalping a TON of defenseless Brits who were evacuating Fort Edward.

And we thought WE had anger issues.

Can anyone recommend a good therapist for the entire Indian population???

Quote of the Day

Filed under: 1759 > Voltaire > Quote of the Day > 1750s > top 10 >

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"Men… must have corrupted nature a little, for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves. Plus, they can’t dance, they have terrible fashion sense AND they can’t keep it in their pants!

- Voltaire in his novella, Candide

Nooooooooo!!!!! Hawtie Washie Marries Martha Dandridge Custis!!!!

You might as well bury us because we DIED from this news today.

George Washington married his stoopid girlfriend, Martha, 27. MILF Martha already has four children from a previous marriage, who was an old rich guy that died a couple years ago.

Four kids???????

Her vajayjay must be HUGE. 

At the wedding, Washie wore a blue and silver cloth suit with red trimming and gold knee buckles while MILF Martha wore purple silk shoes with spangled buckles.

Ew. Purple on your wedding day is so tacky!!!

Do U think MILF Martha is good enough for Hawtie Washie?

Rich Boy Thomas Jefferson’s Daddy Dies

Filed under: 1757 > 1750s > Thomas Jefferson > Monticello > Slavery >

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Boo-hoo. Better wipe away those tears with all that money!!!

Jefferslut got a big allowance when daddy died. He inherited 5,000 acres of land and a bunch of slaves at just 14 years old.

At 14 you barely know how to milk a cow, so how can you possibly OWN human beings???

We can’t even take care of our cat!!!

Speaking of which, has anyone seen Whiskers?!?!!?

LOL.

Great Britain Declares War on the French

Filed under: 1756 > 1750s > War > Seven Years' War >

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When we’re craving chocolate, we want to murder someone, too!!!!!!!

Almost two years since the fighting first began in America, Europe has decided to get in on the action. Great Britain has officially declared war on the Frenchies.

We REALLY want GB to win so they can turn the French into crepe-making servants.

Fat IS the new thin!!!!!!

A Douche Writes a Love Poem to Pennsylvania

Filed under: 1756 > 1750s > Poetry > Pennsylvania > God >

Oopsies, did we say douche??? We meant Duché, as in Jacob Duché!

Duché loves his home so much that he even wrote it a love poem describing its natural beauty. He creatively titled it, “Pennsylvania: A Poem.

Five gold stars, douche Duché!!

A word of advice: When you’re so lonely that you woo Mother Nature, it’s time to leave the house and get laid.

What???? 

We won’t tell God if you won’t!!!!!