Pervy John Adams Marries His COUSIN!!!!!!!!

Filed under: 1764 > John Adams > Abigail Adams > Weddings > 1760s > Top 10 >

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OK, so it’s his third cousin, but we still barfed a little!

Lawyer John Adams, almost 29, has wed his third cousin, 19-year-old-ish Abigail Smith. Supposedly, Pervy John Adams was really turned on by his family member a quiet, young girl who is knowledgeable about philosophy, politics and poetry.

OOooh, the three P’s!

Apparently that’s all it takes to throw all morality outside the carriage window!!

Benjamin Franklin Talks Smack About the Paxton Boys!!

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Oh, but he DID!!!

BJ Franky Franks went on the record via newspaper to tell the world how much he disapproves of the Indian-killing Paxton Boys

Our hero!! We just got sooOooOo turned on. LOL!

And, after learning the government has actually been protecting the surviving peaceful Indians, the PB decided to march into town to give everyone a piece of their brainless minds.

But don’t worry! Our sources claim that BJ Franky Franks met them outside of town and negotiated peacefully with them. Then, the PB turned around and went home.

Suckas!

Don’t you EVA come back!!!!

A Buncha Dicks, “The Paxton Boys,” Murder Peace-loving Indians

Filed under: 1763 > Paxton Boys > Indians > Conestoga > Christian > God > Bible >

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YUCK!!!! This is the most disgusting thing we’ve heard all year!!

After the French and Indian War, a big wave Scots-Irish immigrants moved onto Indian land. They are claiming that the Indians raid their homes, steal their stuff and even kill innocent people. For revenge, Reverend John Elder gathered a militia and viciously attacked a tribe of the Susquehannock, who are primarily Christian and have lived happily near their European neighbors for many decades. 

Wait. A REVEREND organized to murder a bunch of fellow Christians for revenge???

We aren’t religious scholars or anything, but we think he’s reading from the wrong Bible!!

BJ Franky Frank’s Bastard Son is Appointed Royal Governor of NJ

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We can hear the fist pumping celebration all across Jersey!!

BJ Franky Frank’s used his power to trick people into believing that his son, William Franklin, is more than a prostitute’s mistake useful aid in his science experiments. After completing a law education and proving himself to be a competent human being, William has secured a place as Royal Governor of NJ.

OoOoh, ooh! Can we suggest the first order of business?? Open up a dance club on the Jersey Shore!!!

All that bumpin’ and grindin’ will do WONDERS for the economy (and our asses)!!!!!!

The Brits Trick the Indians and Send Them Smallpox Blankets

Filed under: 1763 > Smallpox > pennsylvania > Indians >

Better think twice before bundling up in that comfy blanket!!! LOL.

Recently, the Indians began attacking the Brits’ Fort Pitt in Pennsylvania. Colonel Bouquet was about to lead an expedition to help the men at Fort Pitt when he received an interesting letter from General Amherst suggesting the use of smallpox as a weapon.

Intrigued, Bouquet wrote back:

I will try to inoculate the bastards with some blankets that may fall into their hands, and take care not to get the disease myself.”

The blankets were removed from dead British soldiers and, ridden with smallpox, were distributed to the Indiansunder the false pretense that they wanted to “renew their friendship.”

And if you REALLY need us to spell it out for you, the disease has spread furiously throughout the Indian tribes.

Wow, and we thought WE were bitchy!!!!

These Brits are bad, bad boyz!!!!

Seven Years’ War Ends with the Treaty of Paris

Good thing we’ve been on the Starvation Diet this week, because we are gonna stuff our faces with crumpets to celebrate!!

In the Treaty of Paris, France had to let go of all its territory on the North American mainland. The British received the land east of the Mississippi, while Spain received everything to the west. France had already secretly given Louisiana to Spain in the Treaty of Fontainebleau.

Au revoir, bitches!! It was nice knowing ya and your fatty macaroons!!!!

Whose peace party are U going to attend???

INTERCEPTED!!! Louisiana Goes Slutty in Top Secret Treaty of Fontainebleau

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Ummmmm, guys. This is bigger than Martha Washington’s hairdo!!!!!!

The Brits kicked France’s booty in The Battle of Signal Hill in 1762, which basically confirmed the Brits as the official controllers of Canada. In the secret treaty that followed this battle, “Treaty of Fontainebleau,” France gives (GASP!) Louisiana to Spain.

France is keeping this land exchange hidden from the Brits because they are sneaky little snakes.

Secrets, secrets are no fun… but they sure make for good gossip!!!!!!!!

LOLOL.

God Tells Indian Prophet to Stop Drinking and Having Sex

Filed under: 1761 > 1760s > Indians > God >

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We don’t know who your God is, but our God would NOT be cool with this!

Neolin, the “Delaware Prophet” of the Lenape (or as the Brits like to call him, “The Imposter”), went on a no-eating diet for a long time and basically hallucinated his life’s purpose. He was told to go see the “Master of Life" (basically God) who said the path to Heaven could only be reached by rejecting European and American ways.

In other words, don’t drink, don’t cheat, don’t have sex PERIOD, live by bow and arrow, and dress in all animal skins. 

Ew. Animal skins are soooooooo inhumane, Master of Life!!! And, seriously, we’d bet you five quill pens that “The Imposter" was created from a little liquid courage. Do you want to DESTROY the whole human race?!?

Master L, you craycray, gurl!!!!!!

It’s the FALL of MontreAL

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Yay, we made a rhyme!!!

We’re hearing that the Frenchies surrendered Montreal to the Brits, basically handing over control of French Canada. As the Brits approached with their army to nab the powerful city, the Frenchies pretty much peed their pants and their governor, Pierre de Rigaud de Vaudreuil de Cavagnal, Marquis de abcdefghijklmnop Vaudreuilraised, raised the white flag.

Wow, the governor actually made the right call! It’s ALWAYS smarter to let go of your ego than allow for senseless bloodshed.

Ummmmm, wait. Did we just side with the Frenchies?!?!?!

Either shoot us or hand over a pair of those HOT French shoes to make us feel better!

LOLz!!!!!!

Portrait Hall of SHAME

Filed under: 1759 > Portrait Hall of Fame > portrait >

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Is it a woman??? A man???? Two DIFFERENT people?!?!

We’re convinced homeboy just knows how to work his makeup brush!!!

Both portratis above were done in the same year by two different artists. Adolf Moritz Sachsen-Zeits (right) is a Czech Bishop and A.M. Izmailova (left) is some Russian lady who is friends with an Empress.

OMG, what if these twinsies hooked up and had babies that looked just like them?????

That would be soo hilarious unfortunate!!!!