The Brits Trick the Indians and Send Them Smallpox Blankets

Filed under: 1763 > Smallpox > pennsylvania > Indians >

Better think twice before bundling up in that comfy blanket!!! LOL.

Recently, the Indians began attacking the Brits’ Fort Pitt in Pennsylvania. Colonel Bouquet was about to lead an expedition to help the men at Fort Pitt when he received an interesting letter from General Amherst suggesting the use of smallpox as a weapon.

Intrigued, Bouquet wrote back:

I will try to inoculate the bastards with some blankets that may fall into their hands, and take care not to get the disease myself.”

The blankets were removed from dead British soldiers and, ridden with smallpox, were distributed to the Indiansunder the false pretense that they wanted to “renew their friendship.”

And if you REALLY need us to spell it out for you, the disease has spread furiously throughout the Indian tribes.

Wow, and we thought WE were bitchy!!!!

These Brits are bad, bad boyz!!!!

Seven Years’ War Ends with the Treaty of Paris

Good thing we’ve been on the Starvation Diet this week, because we are gonna stuff our faces with crumpets to celebrate!!

In the Treaty of Paris, France had to let go of all its territory on the North American mainland. The British received the land east of the Mississippi, while Spain received everything to the west. France had already secretly given Louisiana to Spain in the Treaty of Fontainebleau.

Au revoir, bitches!! It was nice knowing ya and your fatty macaroons!!!!

Whose peace party are U going to attend???

INTERCEPTED!!! Louisiana Goes Slutty in Top Secret Treaty of Fontainebleau

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Ummmmm, guys. This is bigger than Martha Washington’s hairdo!!!!!!

The Brits kicked France’s booty in The Battle of Signal Hill in 1762, which basically confirmed the Brits as the official controllers of Canada. In the secret treaty that followed this battle, “Treaty of Fontainebleau,” France gives (GASP!) Louisiana to Spain.

France is keeping this land exchange hidden from the Brits because they are sneaky little snakes.

Secrets, secrets are no fun… but they sure make for good gossip!!!!!!!!

LOLOL.

God Tells Indian Prophet to Stop Drinking and Having Sex

Filed under: 1761 > 1760s > Indians > God >

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We don’t know who your God is, but our God would NOT be cool with this!

Neolin, the “Delaware Prophet” of the Lenape (or as the Brits like to call him, “The Imposter”), went on a no-eating diet for a long time and basically hallucinated his life’s purpose. He was told to go see the “Master of Life" (basically God) who said the path to Heaven could only be reached by rejecting European and American ways.

In other words, don’t drink, don’t cheat, don’t have sex PERIOD, live by bow and arrow, and dress in all animal skins. 

Ew. Animal skins are soooooooo inhumane, Master of Life!!! And, seriously, we’d bet you five quill pens that “The Imposter" was created from a little liquid courage. Do you want to DESTROY the whole human race?!?

Master L, you craycray, gurl!!!!!!

It’s the FALL of MontreAL

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Yay, we made a rhyme!!!

We’re hearing that the Frenchies surrendered Montreal to the Brits, basically handing over control of French Canada. As the Brits approached with their army to nab the powerful city, the Frenchies pretty much peed their pants and their governor, Pierre de Rigaud de Vaudreuil de Cavagnal, Marquis de abcdefghijklmnop Vaudreuilraised, raised the white flag.

Wow, the governor actually made the right call! It’s ALWAYS smarter to let go of your ego than allow for senseless bloodshed.

Ummmmm, wait. Did we just side with the Frenchies?!?!?!

Either shoot us or hand over a pair of those HOT French shoes to make us feel better!

LOLz!!!!!!

Portrait Hall of SHAME

Filed under: 1759 > Portrait Hall of Fame > portrait >

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Is it a woman??? A man???? Two DIFFERENT people?!?!

We’re convinced homeboy just knows how to work his makeup brush!!!

Both portratis above were done in the same year by two different artists. Adolf Moritz Sachsen-Zeits (right) is a Czech Bishop and A.M. Izmailova (left) is some Russian lady who is friends with an Empress.

OMG, what if these twinsies hooked up and had babies that looked just like them?????

That would be soo hilarious unfortunate!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Britain Seizes Quebec in the Battle of the Plains of Abraham

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Try saying that 10x fast!!!! 

This pivotal battle, AKA “The Battle of Quebec,” was fought on farmer Abraham Martin’s property just outside Quebec city. 

Poor Abe!! He probably went outside to feed the cows and found a freaking war on his lawn. LOL!

The siege took place over three months, but the actual battle only lasted a measly 15 minutes. Both the British leader, James Wolfe, and the French leader, Louis-Joseph de Montcalm, were mortally wounded in the attack.

THANK GAWD!! Brits rule, Frenchies DROOL!!!!!

Brits Steal from the French in the Siege of Louisbourg

Mee-ow!

These Brits are getting feisty!!!!

In order to gain easy access to all of Atlantic Canada, the Brits set out to siege control of the French Fortress of Louisbourg. After days of going at it, the pansy French finally surrendered. 

With Louisbourg out of the way, we have a feeling that Quebec will be next.

It’s “aboot” time!! We are SO over the French and their MAJOR ‘tude!

#TeamBrits forever!!!!!

The Great Fire of Boston Destroys the City

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Ugh! What a buzzkill.

If you didn’t already know, the city of Boston is primarily built out of wooden structures packed very closely together. When a series of small fires broke out, it proved to be devastating. Within just three days, 349 buildings were destroyed while thousands were left homeless. Thankfully, no one was killed.

Fire is SO scary!!!

No wonder the Devil loves it so much!!!!

16-Year-Old Girl Kidnapped and Brainwashed by Indians

Ewww.

She probably eats bugs now or whatever those hippies eat!

Mary Jemison was captured by the Shawnee Indians and sold to the Senecas. Her family wasn’t so “lucky,” because they were killed and scalped pretty soon after their capture. Mary was adopted into the Indian tribe and given the new name, DehgEwANUS.

Dehg-ew-anus?????? Leave it to the Indians to mess up a name!

Word on the street is EwAnus is adapting nicely into her new fam and will soon marry.

Uh-huh. Good luck with that, bb!