“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. So don’t be a dumbass and read your Perez Hamilton, kids.”

- Benjamin Franklin

When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????

In what is being called the first ‘death threat via newspaper’ ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.

Note that Delaware and Georgia are NOT included in this cartoon. 

Threatening the American people AND dissing two colonies??? Tsk tsk. Didn’t mama teach you ANYTHING?

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!!!!

Silly Washie!

After his dumbass Indian friends killed a bunch of innocent Frenchies, Washie built Fort Necessity nearby in anticipation of French retaliation. Even though his Indian allies were responsible for starting the whole mess, they ditched Washington before the French returned for vengeance.

Real cute, Indians. REAL cute.

As predicted, the French DID come back for blood and pretty much destroyed Washington’s troop. The French commander let Washie surrender if he signed a French document admitting to having killed the previous French commander, Jumonville. Hottie Washie signed it, but it was a trick. It REALLY said that Washington confessed to murdering Jumonville even though he had come in peace on a diplomatic mission.

We love you, Washie, but get it together!! STOP signing documents you can’t translate!!!

Sigh.

Get ready for a shockfest!!

George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.

The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and put a hatchet through his skull just because he could.

RUDE!! These Indians have NO social graces.

Before Washie could stop the insanity, his Indian allies killed the remaining French soldiers and scalped them. 

We bet the Frenchies back home are gonna llloooovvvee this news!!!!!

#facepalm

We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!

After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and made the Brits leave mid-construction. 

And because our Hottie Washie works so hard, he was just promoted to lieutenant colonel of the Virginia militia. He is now leading about 200 Virginians and Indian allies to fight the French.

YAY! Congrats on the promotion, Washie!!! Stay safe!

XXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy shiz! That’s SOOO newsworthy!!!!!

At least that’s what the Boston Gazette thinks, because that’s basically their front page headline this Christmas.

The new law they’re referring to authorizes, “the killing of Wolves, Bears, Wild Cats, and Catamounts within the Province.” The law rewards the following:

• Every grown wolf: 4 pounds
• Every baby wolf: 40 shillings
• Every grown wild cat: 10 shillings
• Every baby wild cat: 5 shillings

Hey, who are we to judge?? Santa’s gotta pay for those presents somehow!!!!!! 

Merry ChristopherColumbusmas!!!

It’s just another day!

LOL, JK… it’s St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!

America has adopted the Irish holiday that commemorates Saint Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland who converted the people to Christianity. On March 17th, St. P-Diddy’s deathday, the people drink, drink, drink until they puke, pray, eat and wear shamrocks. St. P-Diddy is said to have used the green clover to explain the Holy Trinity to non-Christians.

Oh, and did we mention St. P-Diddy WASN’T EVEN IRISH???? He was born and raised in Britain before being kidnapped by the Irish and turned into a slave. 

Lovely!

Let’s cheers to that!!

We just LOVE a man in uniform!!!

Major Hottie George Washington was ordered to deliver a letter to the French telling them to GTFO of Ohio because Britain already claimed it. And guess what?? The Frenchies are saying NO!

Now Major Hottie Washington is on a mission to befriend local Indians to gain their human shields support in case the Brits and Frenchies cat fight over Ohio.

Oh, and did we mention he is SINGLE??? But back off, ladies, he’s ours!!!! 

Mrs. Perez Washington… we LOVE it!

LOLz!

OK, OK… our sources claim he’s not REALLY suicidal - just cray cray.

Benjamin Franklin must have been feeling quite emo courageous the other day, because he and his bastard son went flying kites during a thunderstorm to prove his theory of “electricity.” He believes that lightning carries an electrical charge that can be transferred to other objects.

To prove this, he attached a key to the end of a kite string that connected to a Leyden jar (a device that stores electrical charge). He kept his end of the string dry so that electricity would not carry all the way through and strike him dead. He succeeded.

We’re also hearing rumors that BJ made his son risk his life running around in the rain while he stayed out of harm’s way in a barn.

Wow. He really is a smart guy.

A bastard’s life is ALWAYS more disposable!!!

O no they din’t!!!!!!!!!!!

The motherland, Great Grandma Britain, has screwed us all again.

Parliament passed the Currency Act to restrict the British colonies from circulating paper money, which they had started distributing as an “IOU” to pay for military expenses during the French and Indian Wars. Since more paper money has been issued than what has been taxed, the value of the money depreciated compared to the British pound.

So, the paper money is now only good for paying taxes, but NOT for buying personal things.

Guess we can finally make that papier-mâché mask of Bach’s face that we always wanted…