Portrait Hall of SHAME!

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OK, who let this little baby into the jester’s costume closet?!?!! If she didn’t dress herself, she must be the butt of a cruel, cruel joke because this outfit is outRAGEOUS.

The innocent victim above is depicted in an oil painting by German artist A. Fr. Ringen.

If anyone sees a pile of frumpy, Christmas-colored frocks crawling around, plz send it our way. We want to help the poor thing with a faboosh baby makeover!

First African-American Woman Published in America

Filed under: 1767 > 1760s > Slavery > Poetry > phillis wheatley >

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We’ve sure come a long way since the days of slave rebellions!

The Wheatley family of Massachusetts purchased a young slave named Phillis. Luckily for Phillis, the Wheatleys valued education and tutored her in reading and writing. She took a liking to poetry and just had a poem published in the “Newport Mercury” newspaper. 

Some h8rs are claiming that Phillis’s poetry is terrible, and if it weren’t for the influential and wealthy Wheatley family, she never would have been published.

Crappy poet or not, we say f*ck the h8rs! We think it’s super brave of Phillis to follow her dreams and super kewl of the Wheatleys to treat her as one of their own.

Congrats, gurl! U earned it!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Controversial Stamp Act Repealed!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: 1766 > 1760s > Stamp Act > stamp act of 1765 >

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…and then literally a few hours later Parliament passed ANOTHER stoopid act.

The morons across the pond got the hint that everyone hated the Stamp Act, so Parliament voted to repeal it. But, just when America was throwing a dance party to celebrate, British P-funks passed the Declaratory Act, which gives the Brits total legislative power over the American colonies.

SOoOooo naughty, P-funks!!!!! We can already smell the fake burning bodies in protest!!

Abigail Adams Gives Birth to a PERFECT Baby Girl!

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Yayayay! We LURVE babies!!!!!!

Despite all odds, incestuous couple Pervy John Adams and Abby the Animal Adams had a healthy baby girl. While we haven’t seen portraits of the little button yet, we hear she’s been named after mommy and has the loving nickname of “Nabby.”

Awwwwww, Nabby!!!! SO cute for an itty-bitty baby!!

Hope she inherited her momma’s good looks. Poor girl’s going to have trouble if she got daddy’s hawk nose…..

Ha! 

Americans Hang and Burn Fake Man in Protest of Stamp Act

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…Sometimes we just have no words for these news stories. LOL!

Pissed off by the Stamp Act, Americans wanted to send a message to the Brits that they are NOT okay with the new law. They recently hung an effigy of mASSachusetts' stamp distributor, Andrew Oliver, under an Elm tree (nicknamed “Liberty Tree”). They then took the mock body to Andy’s house where an angry mob beheaded and burned it on his lawn. Unsurprisingly, Andy resigned the next morning. 

Since this protest was so successful, we got a feeling that it won’t be the last.

British Parliament must be shaking in their knickers!!!!!

Quote of the Day

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"No taxation without representation and certainly no fornication without autoerotic asphyxiation.” 

- Popular phrase coined by James Otis, Jr.

Stamps DON’T Bore People to Death in the Stamp Act of 1765

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Oh. Em. Gee.

WHO CARES??? Is this seriously the biggest deal of the year?!?!? Someone have an affair already!!!

British Parliament has imposed a tax on stamped paper and other printed materials in America to help pay back the debt caused by the costs of British military presence during the Seven Years’ War.

Two tax acts within two years???

Someone get the British P-funks a tampon already. This is the longest case of PMS we’ve ever seen!!

Who Wore it Best?!?!!?

Filed under: 1740s > 1730s > Portrait > Who Wore it Best > France >

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Even those naked babies don’t understand why daddy is wearing a little boys’ outfit!!

In another creepy edition of “Who Wore it Best,” a grown-ass man is dressed up like a little kid. They’re even posing the same!!

Artist Charles Joseph Natoire painted “Portrait of Louis Dauphin of France with a Plan of the Siege of Tournai” (left) in 1747, while William Hogarth painted “William Augustus, Duke of Cumberland” (right) in 1732.

So many guys just REFUSE to grow up these days.

Man up, boys! You can’t stay young forever!!!!

The Sugar Act Pisses Off Fat Americans Everywhere

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This may finally give us a reason to lose the love handles!!

The Molasses Act (1733) made the colonies pay a tax on the importation of foreign molasses, but a lot of sneaky peeps were able to avoid paying the tax completely. With the expiration of the Molasses Act coming to a close, Parliament decided that they needed to revise it.

The Sugar Act (1764) made the tax on molasses cheaper and more enforceable. It also made other foreign goods taxable, including sugar, some wines and coffee.

Tax on sugar, wine AND coffee??? We will just DIE. 

Samuel Drunky Adams and James Otis, Jr. can’t stand the new act and say it’s effed up that the Brits can tax us but won’t give us legal representation.

And WE agree!

No taxation without representation, bitches!!

Letters of Abigail Adams - INTERCEPTED!!!

Filed under: 1764 > 1760s > John Adams > abigail adams >

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OOOOoooohhhh, gurl, we hope you do not have scandal written all over these!!!

Mrs. Abigail Adams, wife and cousin of Pervy John Adams, has been writing up a storm and we’ve managed to get our hands on some letters!! And guess which ones are the juiciest?? The letters to Pervy Adams pre-marriage, of course!!

On April 19, 1764 the mixed-signals vixen wrote to him:

"… I think thee, friend; such knowledge as that is easy to be obtained without paying for it.”

Abby ‘The Animal’ Adams totes put him in the friendzone!!!! We love it! And a day later things get REALLY hawt…

Why may not I visit you days as well as nights? I no sooner close my eyes, than some invisible being, swift as Alborack of Mahomet, bears me to you, — I see you, but cannot make myself visible to you. That tortures me… “

We don’t know what this Alborack of Mahomet is, but it sure sounds seXXXy.

Get it, gurl!!!