May 2013
1 post
5 tags
It's the FALL of MontreAL
Yay, we made a rhyme!!!
We’re hearing that the Frenchies surrendered Montreal to the Brits, basically handing over control of French Canada. As the Brits approached with their army to nab the powerful city, the Frenchies pretty much peed their pants and their governor, Pierre de Rigaud de Vaudreuil de Cavagnal, Marquis de abcdefghijklmnop Vaudreuilraised, raised the white flag.
Wow, the...
April 2013
3 posts
3 tags
Portrait Hall of SHAME
Is it a woman??? A man???? Two DIFFERENT people?!?!
We’re convinced homeboy just knows how to work his makeup brush!!!
Both portratis above were done in the same year by two different artists. Adolf Moritz Sachsen-Zeits (right) is a Czech Bishop and A.M. Izmailova (left) is some Russian lady who is friends with an Empress.
OMG, what if these twinsies hooked up and had babies that looked...
4 tags
BREAKING NEWS: Britain Seizes Quebec in the Battle...
Try saying that 10x fast!!!!
This pivotal battle, AKA “The Battle of Quebec,” was fought on farmer Abraham Martin’s property just outside Quebec city.
Poor Abe!! He probably went outside to feed the cows and found a freaking war on his lawn. LOL!
The siege took place over three months, but the actual battle only lasted a measly 15 minutes. Both the British leader, James...
5 tags
Brits Steal from the French in the Siege of...
Mee-ow!
These Brits are getting feisty!!!!
In order to gain easy access to all of Atlantic Canada, the Brits set out to siege control of the French Fortress of Louisbourg. After days of going at it, the pansy French finally surrendered.
With Louisbourg out of the way, we have a feeling that Quebec will be next.
It’s “aboot” time!! We are SO over the French and their MAJOR...
March 2013
3 posts
5 tags
The Great Fire of Boston Destroys the City
Ugh! What a buzzkill.
If you didn’t already know, the city of Boston is primarily built out of wooden structures packed very closely together. When a series of small fires broke out, it proved to be devastating. Within just three days, 349 buildings were destroyed while thousands were left homeless. Thankfully, no one was killed.
Fire is SO scary!!!
No wonder the Devil loves it so...
5 tags
16-Year-Old Girl Kidnapped and Brainwashed by...
Ewww.
She probably eats bugs now or whatever those hippies eat!
Mary Jemison was captured by the Shawnee Indians and sold to the Senecas. Her family wasn’t so “lucky,” because they were killed and scalped pretty soon after their capture. Mary was adopted into the Indian tribe and given the new name, DehgEwANUS.
Dehg-ew-anus?????? Leave it to the Indians to mess up a name!
...
5 tags
The Indians Eff Up More Military Operations
For once, we wish the Indians would just surprise us and actually DO what they’re told!!
After days of fighting, the British finally surrendered Fort William Henry to the Frenchies. The terms of the surrender included that the Brits also peacefully withdraw from another one of their forts, Fort Edward, while the French military protected them.
SO, guess what happens next???
The...
February 2013
6 posts
4 tags
Quote of the Day
“Men… must have corrupted nature a little, for they were not born wolves, and they have become wolves. Plus, they can’t dance, they have terrible fashion sense AND they can’t keep it in their pants!”
- Voltaire in his novella, Candide
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Nooooooooo!!!!! Hawtie Washie Marries Martha...
You might as well bury us because we DIED from this news today.
George Washington married his stoopid girlfriend, Martha, 27. MILF Martha already has four children from a previous marriage, who was an old rich guy that died a couple years ago.
Four kids???????
Her vajayjay must be HUGE.
At the wedding, Washie wore a blue and silver cloth suit with red trimming and gold knee buckles...
5 tags
Rich Boy Thomas Jefferson's Daddy Dies
Boo-hoo. Better wipe away those tears with all that money!!!
Jefferslut got a big allowance when daddy died. He inherited 5,000 acres of land and a bunch of slaves at just 14 years old.
At 14 you barely know how to milk a cow, so how can you possibly OWN human beings???
We can’t even take care of our cat!!!
Speaking of which, has anyone seen Whiskers?!?!!?
LOL.
4 tags
Great Britain Declares War on the French
When we’re craving chocolate, we want to murder someone, too!!!!!!!
Almost two years since the fighting first began in America, Europe has decided to get in on the action. Great Britain has officially declared war on the Frenchies.
We REALLY want GB to win so they can turn the French into crepe-making servants.
Fat IS the new thin!!!!!!
5 tags
A Douche Writes a Love Poem to Pennsylvania
Oopsies, did we say douche??? We meant Duché, as in Jacob Duché!
Duché loves his home so much that he even wrote it a love poem describing its natural beauty. He creatively titled it, “Pennsylvania: A Poem.“
Five gold stars, douche Duché!!
A word of advice: When you’re so lonely that you woo Mother Nature, it’s time to leave the house and get laid.
What????
We...
5 tags
The Brits Burn a Zillion Calories in Battle of...
After getting their asses handed to them earlier this year, the Brits finally got to say, “Told ya so!” when they defeated the French in battle.
Ugh, LOVE that feeling!
Pissed that the Frenchies have been taking over America, the Brits sought to destroy one of their key forts, Fort St. Frédéric. At first, the Frenchies were winning, but when their Indian allies refused to attack...
January 2013
10 posts
6 tags
The Earth Had a Dance Party in mASSachusetts!!!
Most people would call it an earthquake, but we’d like to think mASSachusetts was just raging to some Bach!!! LOL.
mASSachusetts was in for quite a shock the other day because it experienced its worst earthquake EVER. More than a thousand chimneys were damaged in nature’s attack.
GASP.
Like most townsfolk, we bet the quake was a result of immoral behavior, but Harvard ‘I...
6 tags
The Smelly Frenchies DESTROY the Brits
Maybe if the Brits weren’t so busy showering, they’d have more time to practice war things!!!
The Brits sent Major General Edward Braddock to capture Fort Duquesne and take over the Ohio Country, but he screwed up BIG time. He underestimated just how strong the French and their allies would be. He got shot in the chest and his surviving troops retreated.
On the bright side, George...
3 tags
John Adams's Diary LEAKED!!!
And you won’t BELIEVE what’s inside!
When we heard that Harvard grad John Adams kept a diary like a little girl, we knew we HAD to get our hands on it!! Luckily, our sources managed to get a copy of his juicy confessions.
Here’s one entry:
“A fair, warm spring like Day. Drank Tea and supped at Mr. Greenes.”
And another:
“A rainy...
4 tags
Could This be the End for George Washington?!
Just shoot us now!
We can’t even imagine a world where there’s no Hawtie Washie to protect us!!
23-year-old Hawtie Washie quit his job as lieutenant colonel because the Brits dealt a MASSIVE blow to his ego. Those cheap bastards don’t pay enough and they’re now making colonial officers subordinate to ALL Brit officers, regardless of rank.
Now, c’mon Brits. Be...
4 tags
Who Wore it Best?!?!
It’s a fashion face-off and there may be NO survivors!!!!!
Both painted in 1755, we have Anna Rosina de Gas’s “Michał Kazimierz Ogiński Grand Hetman of Lithuania” (left) and Pietro Rotari’s “Portrait of Carl Christian Joseph of Saxony” (right).
We don’t know if it’s all that church wine we drank, but we’re seeing double!!!
The only thing Michal has over Carl is that silly little elf man in...
6 tags
New York City Founds First College
Mmm, MmmMm, MmmMmmm… nothing keeps us warm at night like some good ‘ol fashioned learning!
After getting super jeal that New Jersey founded its own college (Princeton University), New York decided they wanted one, too. King’s College is now the first institution of higher learning in all of New York.
Loves it!
8 tags
The Albany Plan of Union Gets REJECTED
Did these men get dressed in the dark?? Orange is not flattering on ANY skin type!!
Yuck!
Anyway, reps from a bunch of northern colonies met in Albany, New York to discuss their defense in what is being called the “French and Indian War,” (the war George Washington basically started against the French and their Indian allies).
The Albany Congress liked Benjamin Franklin’s...
2 tags
Quote of the Day
“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid. So don’t be a dumbass and read your Perez Hamilton, kids.”
- Benjamin Franklin
12 tags
Benjamin Franklin Says, "Join, or Die"!!!!
When did BJ Franky Franks become such a psychopath?????????
In what is being called the first ‘death threat via newspaper’ ‘political cartoon’ in America, BJ Franky Franks has published this freaky ass snake in the Pennsylvania Gazette. It is his way of urging the very fragmented British colonies to unite in order to kick French butt over control for America.
Note...
8 tags
Washington Signs Incriminating French Document He...
Silly Washie!
After his dumbass Indian friends killed a bunch of innocent Frenchies, Washie built Fort Necessity nearby in anticipation of French retaliation. Even though his Indian allies were responsible for starting the whole mess, they ditched Washington before the French returned for vengeance.
Real cute, Indians. REAL cute.
As predicted, the French DID come back for blood and pretty...
December 2012
12 posts
8 tags
Washington's Indian Allies Go Effing NUTS
Get ready for a shockfest!!
George Hottie Washie and his men surrounded a small French camp and a battle ensued. Within 15 minutes, the French called for a cease fire.
The wounded French commander tried to explain his mission to Hottie Washie but, midway through, Hottie Washie’s ally (an Indian leader known as the “Half-King”) went up to the French commander, Jumonville, and...
8 tags
George Washington Preps to Kick French Booty!!!!
We just hope he doesn’t get any scars on that pretty little face!
After the French refused to leave the Ohio area, the Brits started plotting against them. George Washington was ordered to pick a spot to build a fort near the French and a guy named William Trent was ordered to start raising a small force. Construction on the fort began ASAP, but the French caught wind of it, swooped in, and...
7 tags
BREAKING XMAS NEWS: Get Paid to Kill Wild Animals!
Holy shiz! That’s SOOO newsworthy!!!!!
At least that’s what the Boston Gazette thinks, because that’s basically their front page headline this Christmas.
The new law they’re referring to authorizes, “the killing of Wolves, Bears, Wild Cats, and Catamounts within the Province.” The law rewards the following:
Every grown wolf: 4 pounds
Every baby wolf: 40...
7 tags
America is Drinking Beer and Going to Church...
It’s just another day!
LOL, JK… it’s St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!
America has adopted the Irish holiday that commemorates Saint Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland who converted the people to Christianity. On March 17th, St. P-Diddy’s deathday, the people drink, drink, drink until they puke, pray, eat and wear shamrocks. St. P-Diddy is said to have used the green clover...
9 tags
Major George Washington Gets Sassy with the French
We just LOVE a man in uniform!!!
Major Hottie George Washington was ordered to deliver a letter to the French telling them to GTFO of Ohio because Britain already claimed it. And guess what?? The Frenchies are saying NO!
Now Major Hottie Washington is on a mission to befriend local Indians to gain their human shields support in case the Brits and Frenchies cat fight over Ohio.
Oh, and did we...
7 tags
BJ Franky Franks Attempts Suicide by Lightning
OK, OK… our sources claim he’s not REALLY suicidal - just cray cray.
Benjamin Franklin must have been feeling quite emo courageous the other day, because he and his bastard son went flying kites during a thunderstorm to prove his theory of “electricity.” He believes that lightning carries an electrical charge that can be transferred to other objects.
To prove this, he...
4 tags
Britain Passes the Currency Act to Eff Americans!!
O no they din’t!!!!!!!!!!!
The motherland, Great Grandma Britain, has screwed us all again.
Parliament passed the Currency Act to restrict the British colonies from circulating paper money, which they had started distributing as an “IOU” to pay for military expenses during the French and Indian Wars. Since more paper money has been issued than what has been taxed, the value...
6 tags
First College Fraternity, "Flat Hat Club," Formed
Why would anyone ever WANT to wear a flat hat?????
Can you say F-U-G-L-Y-!
The very unfashionable men at the College of William and Mary have started some creepy society where they get together, do secret handshakes and talk about undisclosed things. People say the meaning of their frat name derives from the flat hats they wear when they graduate.
HmMmMmM… grown men sneaking around together,...
7 tags
U Penn Founded by Smarty Pants BJ Franky Franks
Lurning is in da haus!!!!!! Lolololol.
Benjamin Franklin was searching for a site where he could open a public academy for higher learning in the Philly area. He discovered that a charity school in the area lacked funding and was vacated, so it was the best option for BJ’s new project.
Unlike other schools around (Harvard, William and Mary, and Yale), BJ Franky Franks wants this...
5 tags
Samuel Adams, Beer Maker, Rides Daddy's Coattails...
WARNING! This MASShole is a serious HAWT mess alert!!!!
Drunky Adam’s daddy is a very important Boston political figure who is heavily involved in an organization called the Boston Caucus. With the Boston Caucus’s backing, Drunky Adams landed a job as a clerk in the Boston market.
Before daddy got him the sweet gig, our sources say that Drunky Adams lost all the money his daddy...
7 tags
Woot Woot!! War of Austrian Succession Ends!
The big ass war over in Europe (the one that leaked into America with a series of military attacks called King George’s War) has come to an end with the Treaty of Aix-la-Chapelle.
The A-L-C stated that Maria Theresa, who sparked the war, only had to give up the territory of Silesia to Prussia. Besides that, everything basically ended in status-quo-ante-bellum or, for those of you who...
7 tags
The College of New Jersey AKA Princeton Founded
Lordy, Lordy!!! Dirty Jersey actually WANTS to learn???
New Light Presbyterians have founded the institution in order to train ministers. Right now the place of higher learning is in Elizabeth, New Jersey, but we hear it will be moving to Princeton in the next decade.
We don’t know why any holy person would want to live in such a filth hole. This is probably the Devil’s doing!!!
...
November 2012
7 posts
3 tags
Quote of the Day
“Lord, stamp eternity on my eyeballs. @#$%^&*, owww!!! Dayum, Lord, I wasn’t serious!!!!! This is so NOT cool.”
- Jonathan Edwards, Christian preacher and theologian
8 tags
Who Wore it Best?!?!!?
These trained models even make animal fur look innocent! Amazeballs!!!
Artist Jean-Marc Nattier painted both of these models as Diana, the Roman goddess of hunting.
Hunting hearts, probably! LOLz.
We love that Madame Bouret (bottom) is smiling with her eyes, but we can’t stop looking at Mary Adelaide’s (top) elegant hands.
Who do U think wore it best?!!?
9 tags
Ermahgerd! War in America Over a WOMAN!!!
Get over it, bb! Women should have equal rights, too!!!!
In Europe, the War of the Austrian Succession started when the Holy Royal Emperor, Charles VI, passed away and his daughter, Maria Theresa, succeeded his place on the throne. France doesn’t believe a woman should be in power, so they’ve been fighting to overthrow her. England, on the other hand, actually has a brain and has...
1 tag
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!!
One year later and there’s still SO much to gossip about!!!!
We couldn’t have done any of this without the love and support from our seksi, intelligent, history-lovin’ fans! Thank U, thank U, thank U x infinity!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXO, Perez
5 tags
Boston's Faneuil Hall Opens to the Public
We better get the horses ready, cuz we want to see this in the flesh!!
After years of talking about it, Boston has opened a public marketplace donated by wealthy resident Peter Faneuil. Artist John Smibert built Faneuil Hall in the style of an English country market, with the first floor as a market and second floor as an assembly room.
Our sources claim that most mASSholes didn’t even...
6 tags
Portrait Hall of Shame!!!!!!
Ewwwwwwww, naked girls!!!!
François Boucher, a pervert Frenchman fond of the Rococo style, has painted, “Diana leaving her Bath” (above).
People seem to really like this painting, but we don’t get it! Why is Diana bathing in the woods like a homeless person??? And why is that other girl watching????
YUCK!!! We just vomited in our mouths!!!
CLICK HERE to check out the uncensored...
3 tags
BJ Franky Franks Heats Up With New Invention
Boyfriend knows how to get shiz done!
Benjamin Franklin’s “Franklin Stove” has a hooded front and an airbox in the back, which allows for more efficient fire. It uses a quarter of firewood and produces twice as much heat. We hear he’s been approached to patent the invention, but he turned it down because he wants everyone to benefit from it without making a profit.
...
2 tags
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, BITCHES!!!!
Yay! We finally get to talk shiz about witches, get fat and wear our sexy Puritan costumes OUTSIDE of the house!!!
Halloween got its start in Europe with the Celtics. They believed that on their New Year’s Eve (October 31st), the world of the dead and living intertwined. In order to scare off the dead from harming their families and crops, the Celtics wore scary costumes to blend in with...
October 2012
10 posts
6 tags
Music Minute: Handel Composes 'Messiah'
Hallelujah!!!!!!
One of our FAVE composers (no offense, Bach) has done it again!!!
This time, his amazeballs “Messiah” is rocking churches all over the world. George Frederic Handel composed the masterpiece with the help of his BFF, Charles Jennens, who compiled scriptural text from the Book of Common Prayer and the King James Bible. The text follows the Messiah from his days as a...
6 tags
Stono Rebellion: Largest Slave Uprising EVER in...
It was probs originally the “Stoned Rebellion” because the slaves must have been high as kites to go through with this cray-cray uprising!!!
Led by a slave named Jemmy, nicknamed “Cato,” 20 fellow slaves gathered near the Stono River in South Carolina on a Sunday when white people were at church. They marched towards a slave-free Florida with a sign that said...
4 tags
What the What?! Wallpaper is the New Tapestry!!!!!
Oh. Em. Gee.
Bet you didn’t see THIS coming!
We’re not sure if you noticed, but wallpaper seems to be ALL the rage these days. It is now replacing the iconic fashion choice of tapestries.
Ugh, we just finished re-doing Theodore Hamilton’s dog house but I guess now we’ll have to update it with wallpaper. There are just SO many different types to choose from!
Will U be...
5 tags
How Far Did One Man Go to Steal From the Indians?
70 miles to be exact!!!
William Penn’s heirs found an old deed from the Lenape indians that promised land starting from the Delaware River to “as far west as a man could walk in a day and a half.”
The sneaky devils then got the three fastest runners and had them “walk” for a day and a half so the Penn family could get as much land as possible. One guy covered 70...
4 tags
Benny Frank Franks Creates Volunteer Fire...
Thank GOD he can put out a fire, because this pic of Benjamin Franklin is burning us up!!!
Benny Frank Franks helped form the Union Fire Company in Philadelphia. This came about after he and others pointed out in his newspaper, The Pennsylvania Gazette, that there should be a better way to handle local fires. Each member of the fire department pays for his own fire fighting equipment, including...
7 tags
Gov. of Louisiana Arrives Late to War - Allies Get...
Omfg. Seriously?!?
Of all days to sleep in, he picks the day he’s going to attack the Indians?????
Louisiana Governor, Jean-Baptiste Bla Bla Longest Name Ever Le Moyne de Bienville, told the Governor of Illinois and all of his troops to meet up on March 25th to launch a coordinated attack against the forever-annoying Chickasaw Indians. Bienville arrived late, so Illinois acted like 5 year...
3 tags
PEREZILICIOUS CONTEST!!!!!
We’re about to start selling our Perez Hamilton postcards!!!! As a special treat, we’re giving away FREE postcards to FIVE lucky fans!
To enter, we want to see YOUR best historical graffiti. Take your favorite historical image (photograph, portrait, painting, etc.) from any era and scribble on your best Perez-style caption. Fun, right?!!?
Just email your submission...
