May 2012
12 posts
4 tags
Salem Witch Accuser Ann Putnam "Apologizes"
We use the word “apology” VERY loosely!!
Ann Putnam, one of the most active accusers in the Salem witch trials, read an apology letter at her church for her involvement in the trials.
She stated in her letter:
“I desire to be humbled before God. It was a great delusion of Satan that deceived me in that sad time. I did not do it out of anger, malice, or ill-will.”
...
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Dear Virginia, THIS Sucks! HOrrible Slave Code...
Srsly??? How is slavery STILL acceptable?!?!
The Virginia Slave Code has laid down the law and it ain’t pretty! It declares non-Christian servants entering the colony to be slaves; acquits masters who have killed slaves during punishment; outlaws slaves and free colored peeps from physically assaulting the whites; and prohibits slaves from bearing arms or moving abroad without...
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Pirate (With Silly Ass Flag) Hanged
OK, OK, so we added the pee coming out of that man’s vagina, but everything else is ACTUALLY what the flag looks like!!! LOL.
Pirate John Quelch and his crew plundered NINE different ships off the coast of Brazil that contained sugar, hides, gold, guns and more. Before sailing back to mASSachusetts where Quelch and co. were hanged for piracy, the crew supposedly made a pit stop off the...
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Frenchmen and Indians Kill & Kidnap Massachusetts...
Run for your lives!!! The Indians are thirsty for more blood!!!!!
France and England are once again fighting for control over America in what is being called “Queen Anne’s War.” The sneaky little French have convinced local Indians to attack Deerfield, mASSachusetts because they’re pissed that the English keep settling in the north. French and Indian forces killed...
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Frenchman Opens School For Slaves in New York
Hallelujah!!!
Frenchman Elias Naud said the slaves, “who were without God in the world and of whose souls there was no manner of care taken,” needed someone to show them the light of God. He has now opened a school to teach slaves all about the principles of religion.
Ugghhh, why didn’t we think of that??? He’s definitely going to Heaven now!!
Good job, suck up Elias!
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Connecticut and Rhode Island FINALLY Agree on...
Sometimes apologizing is SO much easier than fighting.
These two bitches, Connecticutie and Rhode Not Even a Real Island, have been feuding forever about boundaries. Now the little love birds have agreed upon a common boundary line.
Yay!! Happy endings ALWAYS make us cry!!!
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Governor of NY and NJ Cross-Dresses as a Woman!!!!
U go, gurl!!!!!!!!
Governor of NY and NJ, Edward Hyde, 3rd Earl of Clarendon, has been dressing in women’s clothing!! Recently he opened the New York Assembly wearing a gown, a headdress and carrying a fan like Queen Anne. Another source of ours claims:
“[He wears women’s clothing and hides] behind trees to pounce, shrieking with laughter, on his victims.”
...
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Reverend John Hale Writes Book to Criticize Salem...
Ewwwwww! There’s NOTHING worse than a flip-flopper!!!
The book A Modest Enquiry into the Nature of Witchcraft, written by the now deceased John flip-flopper Hale, has been published. John was one of the most prominent and influential clergymen involved in the 1692 Salem witch trials and was a supporter of persecuting the witches. It seems he apparently changed his mind.
A Modest...
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East and West Jersey Unite into New Jersey
WOOO HOOO!!!! Even more Jersey for us to party in!!!
East and West Jersey have united into the royal colony of New Jersey under the rule of Queen Anne. Edward Hyde, 3rd Earl of Clarendon (aka Lord Cornbury) has been named governor.
You were never too “old” for us, but congrats on the royal upgrade, New Jersey!!!
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RIP: King William III
Nooooooooooo!!!!! How could this be?!!?
Shortly after learning that we might have a shot at getting with our royal queen King William III, God took him away abruptly from us. He passed away due to complications after getting injured from falling off his horse, Sorrel.
Well there’s the root of the problem right there!!! If you name your horse something as wimpy as Squirrel Sorrel, we...
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Fort Detroit Founded by French
DETROIT?? That’s not so bad!
We’re surprised the French didn’t name it something stoopider, like Fort Croissant! LOL.
French officer Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac has erected a fort to keep the British from expanding west and to monopolize on the fur trade. Cadillac was also the commander of Fort de Buade, but it was abandoned a few years ago after conflicts with religious...
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King William III is (Hopefully) Gay!!!!!
OUR DREAM COME TRUE!!!! How did our gaydar not go off earlier?!?!!?
Word is buzzing all over town that King William III is getting it on with the seksi men around him. Rumor has it that he is constantly around his close f*ck buddies guy friends and he only had ONE mistress when he was with his wifey, Queen Mary II.
Hmmm, that’s why he was probably sooo sad when QMII died. She was his...
April 2012
32 posts
3 tags
Captain William Kidd Hanged for Piracy
Tough break, bb!!!
Word of William Kidd’s piracy has travelled back to the people who funded his most recent expedition. In an effort to appear from looking guilty of piracy themselves, they have turned in Kidd for his illegal actions. He was found guilty of murder and piracy and has been executed by hanging.
The people with all the money ALWAYS get off the hook.
RIP.
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mASSachusetts Law: Roman Catholic Priests Must...
Happy New Century, bitches!!!! To celebrate, the mASSholes are enjoying their favorite pastime: threatening innocent people!!
mASSachusetts has passed a law that gives Roman Catholic priests three months to leave the colony or face life in prison and even execution.
When there aren’t any witches to kill, priests are the next best thing!!
HA.
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Smallpox Epidemic Breaks Out in Philly
Yikes!
A large outbreak of the deadly smallpox disease has spread throughout Philadelphia. We hear new colonists coming over from Europe are guilty of bringing the disease to America. Smallpox is HIGHLY contagious, so doctors recommend staying away from the infected at all costs.
Ewww, that disease makes people SO ugly looking! We are NOT going outside until that the disease has left...
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Captain William Kidd Turns Into a Pirate
Wasn’t he supposed to capture pirates??? NOT become one!!!
As we reported earlier, Captain Kidd was hired to attack pirate and enemy French ships and steal their money. Sadly for Kidd, he hasn’t been able to find any of these ships and is basically sinking all of his investors’ money. Afraid of failure, Kidd has allegedly resorted to attacking ships that weren’t even...
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King William's War Ends With Treaty of Ryswick
Yay! Glad everyone could kiss and make up!
New France and New England along with their respective Indian allies have finally called a truce after years of bloodshed over American territory. They have decided that the land will revert to the “Status quo ante bellum,” which is just a fancy way of saying it will go back to the way things were before the war started.
If...
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Captain Kidd Murders His Crew Member With a Bucket
Isn’t his crew made of criminals??? We thought that HE’D be the one getting murdered!!!
Captain William Kidd has allegedly killed one of his own crew members. The victim supposedly urged Kidd to attack a Dutch ship close by. Kidd refused because he’s not a pirate and he’s made of Dutch blood.
Kidd called the guy a lousy dog, to which he retorted:
“If I am a...
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Captain William Kidd Hires Crew Made of Criminals...
To catch a pirate, you have to think like a pirate! Ha!
Before embarking on his mission to kick pirate booty, most of Kidd’s crew had to unexpectedly report for Navy duty. Not having a big enough crew to set sail, Kidd was forced to hire those in the area who were available, which consisted mostly of former pirates and criminals.
Something tells us that being stranded in the middle of...
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NY Governor Sends Captain William Kidd to Hunt...
He can tell us to walk the plank any day of the week!!
Seksi Captain William Kidd has been hired by NY governor Richard Coote to attack and capture pirates and French enemy ships. Even though William has asked to sail under the full protection of the King and with a fully trained crew, Coote rejected the idea. Instead, he has promised Kidd pirate riches if the expedition goes as planned. If it...
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NY Governor Fired For Accepting Pirates' Bribes
Arrrrrr you serious?!? LOLz.
King William III has replaced corrupt New York governor Benjamin Fletcher, who was until recently also the governor of Pennsylvania. It was discovered that Fletcher was accepting bribes of $100 to allow illegal trading of pirate treasure. He has been replaced by Richard Coote, 1st Earl of Bellomont.
Well, if there’s one group of people you want on your side -...
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King William III Heartbroken - Wife Queen Mary II...
Sucks.
We’ve learned that 32-year-old Queen Mary II of England, Scotland and Ireland has died from smallpox. In order to prevent the spread of infection, she refused to see anyone who had not previously had the disease, including her own sister. She passed away just after midnight on December 28th.
After his wife’s death, King William III said he has gone from:
“being the...
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William Penn Regains Control of Pennsylvania
Good! We like our little Pennsylvania hippie!!!
In 1691, new King William III took Pennsylvania away from founder William Penn because he was BFFs with the former king that he had overthrown, King James II. Convinced that William Penn was still loyal to the old king, he made Pennsylvania a royal colony and assigned military governor Captain Benjamin Fletcher to manage it.
The pacifist Quakers...
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Who Wore it Best?!!?!?
Boys can be sooo unoriginal.
Check out these eerily similar paintings of Abbot Mangoldt Tiberius (left) and Abbot Vincentius Schwab (right).
At least throw on a splash of color, boys! You aren’t fooling anyone with those innocent white frocks!!
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The College of William & Mary Opens
Move over, Harvard!!!!
The College of William & Mary, now the second institute of higher learning in America, has been founded in Virginia under a royal charter. Designed to provide education to civil servants and clergymen, the college has been named in honor of the reigning monarchs, King William III and Queen Mary II. James Blair has been named the first President.
If we want to bore...
5 tags
Governor of NY Stops the Salem Witch Trials!!!
We can’t believe it!
A CUTE governor of New York?!?!
Sir William Phips, the cutie governor of New York, has prohibited further witch arrests in Salem and has ordered the release of accused. We hear all of the imprisoned accused witches will be pardoned as long as they can afford to pay their jail expenses.
So, let us get this straight: The witches have been WRONGLY jailed but they...
4 tags
Quote of the Day
“It were better that Ten Suspected Witches should escape, than that one Innocent Person should be Condemned.”
- Increase Mather, influential Puritan minister
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Evidence Used to Accuse Witches No Longer Valid
We bet the families of those who have been executed are thrilled to hear this!!!
Influential Puritan minister Increase Mather has denounced the use of spectral evidence in the witch trials. This means that no one can really say that an accused witch’s “shape” came to them and threatened them. Unfortunately, spectral evidence was used and upheld for a majority of the trials.
...
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Salem Girls Better STFU! Truth Behind Ann Putnam's...
We are hearing the same rumors over and over that Ann Putnam’s parents are actually behind all of her accusations. Supposedly, out of more than the 60 witches Ann has accused, most of them have been linked back to family disputes. In fact, Ann’s parents have accused many witches themselves.
Well, well. Ain’t THAT shady!!
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Giles Corey Pressed To Death with Rocks
Ouch!!
At his arraignment, 80-year-old Giles Corey refused to plead guilty or not guilty to witchcraft. The unofficial punishment for refusing to plead is weighing down the person with rocks until he or she gives in or dies. In Giles’s case, it ended in death. His last words were, “More weight.”
We hope the Devil is happy now.
Douche.
3 tags
Nineteen Witches Hanged in Salem
Oh. Goodness. Gracious.
So far, nineteen witches have been hanged for witchcraft. Among those hanged include John Proctor, Martha Corey, Rebecca Nurse and Sarah Good. Surprisingly, those who confessed have been spared. It’s only those who do not admit their guilt that have gone to the gallows.
We’d rather die than be a martyr!!! Sometimes faking it can be a good thing!
...
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Ann Putnam, Jr. Accuses 80-Year-Old Giles Corey of...
Ann claims that the shape of Giles Corey visited her in the night and asked her to sign the Devil’s book. Even more scary, a ghost who claims that he was murdered by Giles haunts Ann at night. Giles, a prosperous farmer and man of the church, refuses to plead guilty or not guilty. He has been thrown in jail.
We find it hard to imagine an 80-year-old man of the church tormenting children!!...
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Never Mind! Servant Mary Takes Back 'Faking It'...
In a twist of fate, the judges questioned Mary, servant to Elizabeth and John Proctor, how she could so easily go from being the afflicted to being an accuser. The room seemed to think she looked guilty of witchcraft as well.
After a really awkward minute or two, Mary went into a fit and yelled at the invisible ”shape” of her boss, Elizabeth, and cried out:
“Thou wicked...
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Are the Salem Girls Lying About Being...
Something is SERIOUSLY wrong here!!!
Mary Warren, servant to Elizabeth and John Proctor, claimed she saw the “shape” of 80-year-old Giles Corey come to torment her. John and Elizabeth rolled their eyes and responded by saying the whole witch thing is BS. They say the only people who SHOULD be hanged are those crazy attention-hungry girls.
GASP!
Salem peeps thought it was...
3 tags
Four-Year-Old Arrested for Witchcraft
The horror!!!!!!
If it wasn’t bad enough that old ladies have turned to witchcraft, we’ve learn that toddlers are now guilty of it too. Dorothy Good, daughter of accused witch Sarah Good, has been arrested for tormenting the afflicted girls of Salem. The girls cry in agony whenever Dorothy lays eyes on them and they also blame Dorothy for small bite marks on their bodies. We hear...
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71-Year-Old Bedridden Witch is Arrested
Bedridden our ass!!
Rebecca Nurse, 71, has been accused of witchcraft by the afflicted girlsand a couple grownups of Salem. At her trial she swore her innocence and even claimed she hadn’t left the house in many days. During the trial, however, the afflicted girls were involuntarily imitating Rebecca’s hand movements. There is truly no other explanation for that except demonic...
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Quote of the Day
“They which lie, must go to their father, the devil, into everlasting burning; they which never pray, God will pour out his wrath upon them; and … God will not forgive them unless they’re super duper sorry.”
- Cotton Mather, Harvard graduate and influential Puritan minister
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A Witch Says She Doesn't Believe in Witches
That’s EXACTLY what a witch would say!!!
The poor afflicted young girls of Salem have sniffed out another witch. Shockingly, she was hiding behind the perfect disguise - a devout member of the church and respected matron, Martha Cory.
Martha defended herself in court by saying she couldn’t torment the girls because she’s “A gospel woman.” In response, a girl...
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Tituba Says There Are MORE Witches in Salem
We think we might have to shoot the messenger on this one!!! LOL!
Tituba claims that a “tall man” who comes to visit her has a book with him that is signed by NINE other witches. Conveniently, Titchthewitchuba claims she hasn’t been able to make out the names.
This witch needs to get her eyes checked!!
To make matters worse, now that she’s confessed her evils, she is...
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Deets on Tituba's Witchcraft Confession!!!
Tituba has been confessing her evils for three days straight! WE don’t even have that many evils and we are VERY naughty!!
So far, Tituba swears a cat with wings and a woman’s face (which she says accused witch Sarah Osburne owns) orders her to serve it. Other freaky animals that demand her to serve them are red cats and red rats. She says the Devil’s freaky pets tell her to...
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Fill in the Blank
Lightning struck the courtroom as the witch cried out “_______________!”
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Three Women Accused of Bewitching Salem Girls Go...
Hopefully punishing these three will put an end to this madness!
Betty Parris and her cousin Abigail Williams have accused these three of “afflicting” them:
Sarah Good, a cranky homeless woman
Sarah Osburne, a widowed lady who has been shunned for living with her second husband before marrying him
Tituba, a slave in Betty Parris’s household
When the women entered the room,...
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Slave Tituba Says Cake Filled With PEE Will...
Ummm, SAY WHAT?!
Tituba, a slave to one of the afflicted girls, suggested to a neighbor, Mary Sibley, that in order to discover the root of the witchcraft Mary should make a “witch cake.” The cake was then infused with the bewitched girls’ urine and fed to a dog. Tituba claimed that when the dog ate the cake, the witch would cry out in pain.
Nobody cried out in pain but,...
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Witches in Salem?!?!!?
Great. Massachusetts was JUST given religious tolerance and now the witches are free to roam.
Betty Parris, age 9, and Abigail Williams, age 11, (daughter and niece of Reverend Samuel Parris) have been having “fits” that are beyond epileptic. According to an eyewitness, the girls have been screaming, throwing things, uttering strange noises, and contorting themselves into abnormal...
March 2012
52 posts
2 tags
Henry Purcell's The Fairy-Queen Rocks Our...
This is the hawtest sh*t out there since “Ring Around the Rosie.”
Henry Purcell’s semi-opera, The Fairy-Queen, is an adaptation of William Shakespeare’s comedy, A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s now performing in London.
If you’re strapped for cash and can’t make it to London to see the play in action, get a small taste for the real thing by...
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NY Governor Kicked Out and Executed
And that’s why you don’t eff with the King of England!! LOL.
During all the drama between the Boston revolt, New England and New France going to war and King James II being overthrown, German-American Jacob Leisler seized control of New York and ruled it against the wishes of the new King William III. In response, KWIII sent a new governor to NY, but he didn’t get there for a...
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Massachusetts Given Religious Freedom - Except for...
Sucks to be them!!!
Massachusetts has been granted a new royal charter by King William III. The charter unifies the Massachusetts Bay Colony with Plymouth Colony, Nantucket, Martha’s Vineyard and many more. Most importantly, the charter extends the right to vote beyond just those of Puritan faith and grants freedom of worship for all Christians… except for Catholics. They’re...
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YAY! William Penn Saves Trees!!!!!
Our hero!
William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania, has mandated that for every five acres of trees cleared, one acre must be preserved.
Trees are pretty, give animals their homes, provide us with shade plus soooo many other good things!
We just want to give WP a big hug!!
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Save The Whales!!
Since Nantucket sucks at farming, they have copied the local Indians and started whale hunting. Believing they will be able to support themselves off the oil found in whale blubber, Nantucket has employed whaler Ichabod Paddock from Cape Cod. He will teach them the ropes on the proper way to kill whales.
Sorry, but we don’t think there is EVER a “proper” way to kill...
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Paper Money Accepted As Legal Tender
Next thing you know they’ll be accepting buckets of water!! Ha!
As a thanks for risking their lives to massacre New France, Massachusetts is giving out paper bills of credit to its New England soldiers. They promise the paper will be redeemable for prostitutes gold. The soldiers can also use the paper to pay their taxes.
Dear Massachusetts: Please please please accept all this newspaper...