Boston Massacre Happened Because of a WIG!!!!!

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Bad hair days make us want to murder people, too!

We JUST found out that the whole fight that caused the deaths of multiple mASSholes occurred because a wigmaker’s apprentice accused a Brit solider of not paying his wig bill. Turns out that the Brit actually paid up earlier that day.

Oopsies.

If wrongly accusing innocent people and triggering a historical bloody massacre isn’t enough to get you fired, we don’t know what is!!!

Quote of the Day

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“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her. Wait… where do these feelings come from? Why do I think so highly of my mother? Is it possible that I was sexually abused as a child and therefore emotionally compensate by suppressing those memories with grandeur delusions of love and loyalty? I feel so frightened. So very frightened…”

- George Washington

John Adams Joins the Boston Massacre Dramz

And the plot thickens!

Governor Thomas Hutchinson of mASSholeChusetts had British Captain Thomas Preston and eight of his soldiers arrested for the incidents of March 5th. A town meeting was held at Faneuil Hall where people demanded that the Brits leave Boston and also have Captain Thomas Preston and his men put on trial for murder. 

Obvi, no one wanted to defend a murdering douchebag Cap’n Kill’m Preston, so he had no choice but to beg lawyer John Adams to do the dirty work. In the interest of a fair trial, John Adams surprisingly agreed. 

You remember Pervy John Adams, right??? The perv who married his cousin?

This guy is just FULL of shockers!!!

It’s a Boston Massacre on King Street!

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Why, we ask you! WHY!!!

To provide some background, the British Army have been stationed in Boston since 1768 to help enforce crappy British taxation laws. Now we’re hearing whispers that a mASShole got mouthy with a British soldier, so the soldier whacked the dude’s head with a musket.

Shortly after, a crowd formed around the musket jerk and they began bitching and throwing shiz. After awhile of this dramz, the soldiers fired into the crowd without orders, killing five and injuring six others!

Bullying is wrong, but responding with violence and murder is just immature! If we killed everyone who made fun of us, half of New Jersey would be a ghost town!!!!

We’ll provide updates as they come in.

Until then, stay safe, mASSholes!

Daniel “Boom Me” Boone Has Been Captured by Indians!!!!!

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NOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!! Someone plz save our Booney!

Boom Me Boone and his brother-in-law were out and about being awesome when they were attacked and captured by Indians. Boone was also captured earlier this year but he was eventually released. This time, he may not be so lucky.

We hope Boone will get out safely! Otherwise, who will we think about at night before we go to sleep?? Whose last name can we doodle onto ours??? Who will we send our naked self-portrait Valentine’s Day cards to?!?!!?

Indians can be SO mean!

UPDATE: Boome Me Boone and his bro-in-law have escaped!!!!! YAY! Beauty AND brains!!! *dreamy sigh*

SeXXXy Explorer Daniel Boone Blazes 1st Trail from NC to TN

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Hot dayum!! He can blaze our trail any day of the week!!!!

Daniel “Boom Me” Boone is being a rugged, seXXXy mountain man and going where no man has gone before: America’s backsidecountry!

Boom Me Boone is en route to Kentucky with five other men to do manly things like hunt and explore. Along the way, he has blazed the first trail between North Carolina and Tennessee

Take us with you, Boone! We promise we’ll behave!!!

…OK, that was a lie, LOL.

We can’t help it! He makes us feel soooo naughty!!!!!!

Portrait Hall of SHAME!

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OK, who let this little baby into the jester’s costume closet?!?!! If she didn’t dress herself, she must be the butt of a cruel, cruel joke because this outfit is outRAGEOUS.

The innocent victim above is depicted in an oil painting by German artist A. Fr. Ringen.

If anyone sees a pile of frumpy, Christmas-colored frocks crawling around, plz send it our way. We want to help the poor thing with a faboosh baby makeover!

First African-American Woman Published in America

Filed under: 1767 > 1760s > Slavery > Poetry > phillis wheatley >

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We’ve sure come a long way since the days of slave rebellions!

The Wheatley family of Massachusetts purchased a young slave named Phillis. Luckily for Phillis, the Wheatleys valued education and tutored her in reading and writing. She took a liking to poetry and just had a poem published in the “Newport Mercury” newspaper. 

Some h8rs are claiming that Phillis’s poetry is terrible, and if it weren’t for the influential and wealthy Wheatley family, she never would have been published.

Crappy poet or not, we say f*ck the h8rs! We think it’s super brave of Phillis to follow her dreams and super kewl of the Wheatleys to treat her as one of their own.

Congrats, gurl! U earned it!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: Controversial Stamp Act Repealed!!!!!!!!!

Filed under: 1766 > 1760s > Stamp Act > stamp act of 1765 >

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…and then literally a few hours later Parliament passed ANOTHER stoopid act.

The morons across the pond got the hint that everyone hated the Stamp Act, so Parliament voted to repeal it. But, just when America was throwing a dance party to celebrate, British P-funks passed the Declaratory Act, which gives the Brits total legislative power over the American colonies.

SOoOooo naughty, P-funks!!!!! We can already smell the fake burning bodies in protest!!

Abigail Adams Gives Birth to a PERFECT Baby Girl!

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Yayayay! We LURVE babies!!!!!!

Despite all odds, incestuous couple Pervy John Adams and Abby the Animal Adams had a healthy baby girl. While we haven’t seen portraits of the little button yet, we hear she’s been named after mommy and has the loving nickname of “Nabby.”

Awwwwww, Nabby!!!! SO cute for an itty-bitty baby!!

Hope she inherited her momma’s good looks. Poor girl’s going to have trouble if she got daddy’s hawk nose…..

Ha!