Hawt Trend Alert

Filed under: 1770s > Fashion Smashion > Art > Trend Alert > Fashion >

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The 1770s are heating up and so is the fashion!!! Everyone’s jumping on the “blues and bows” bandwagon. 

Personally, we think that if a baby AND her grandma can get away with this look, then us single & ready to mingle peeps should skip this wallet-draining trend. 

What do U think? Is this trend hawt or naught???

Comet Comes Closer to Earth Than Any Other Comet EVER

Filed under: 1770 > 1770s > Charles Messier > Astronomy > Comet > God > lol >

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Yikes, we need to start building ourselves a comet shelter!!!

French Astronomist Charles Messier discovered a comet dangerously close to Earth. Lexell’s Comet, which is four times the visual diameter of the moon, approached the Earth at a distance of 1,400,000 mi!!! That may sound like a bazillion years away, but it’s actually the closest a comet has come to Earth in all of recorded history!

Space is SO scary. If the aliens take us away, we really hope they at least have space church.

Come to think of it, space sermons would probs be a LOT less boring than regular Earth sermons… maybe an alien abduction wouldn’t be so bad after all!

(Don’t tell God we said that, LOL!)

Completely Gratuitous

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We normally don’t care for the Frenchies — except for maybe their shoes, baguettes and crepes — but this one fox caught our eye!!

Marie AntoinetteDauphine of France (which is a fancy title for ‘the heir apparent to the throne’), is SMOKIN!

Don’t U agree??? Do U think the peeps of France are going to like their new queen B?

The Verdict is In!!!!!!!!

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Well, mostly.

Pervy John Adams made a strong case to protect the Brit soldiers accused of murdering a bunch of innocent peeps in the Boston Massacre. He argued that they were acting in self defense and, worst case, they were guilty of only manslaughter.

Just like Hawtie George Washie — whenever we imagine him without a shirt, that man just SLAUGHTERS us! 

Anywaysies, only two soldiers were found guilty of manslaughter because evidence showed that they fired directly into the crowd.

And the punishment for this murderous act??? The worst… the most UNBELIEVABLE punishment of them all… the branding of the…

Thumb.

O, the HORROR!!!!!!!

Boston Massacre Happened Because of a WIG!!!!!

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Bad hair days make us want to murder people, too!

We JUST found out that the whole fight that caused the deaths of multiple mASSholes occurred because a wigmaker’s apprentice accused a Brit solider of not paying his wig bill. Turns out that the Brit actually paid up earlier that day.

Oopsies.

If wrongly accusing innocent people and triggering a historical bloody massacre isn’t enough to get you fired, we don’t know what is!!!

Quote of the Day

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“My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her. Wait… where do these feelings come from? Why do I think so highly of my mother? Is it possible that I was sexually abused as a child and therefore emotionally compensate by suppressing those memories with grandeur delusions of love and loyalty? I feel so frightened. So very frightened…”

- George Washington

John Adams Joins the Boston Massacre Dramz

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And the plot thickens!

Governor Thomas Hutchinson of mASSholeChusetts had British Captain Thomas Preston and eight of his soldiers arrested for the incidents of March 5th. A town meeting was held at Faneuil Hall where people demanded that the Brits leave Boston and also have Captain Thomas Preston and his men put on trial for murder. 

Obvi, no one wanted to defend a murdering douchebag Cap’n Kill’m Preston, so he had no choice but to beg lawyer John Adams to do the dirty work. In the interest of a fair trial, John Adams surprisingly agreed. 

You remember Pervy John Adams, right??? The perv who married his cousin?

This guy is just FULL of shockers!!!

It’s a Boston Massacre on King Street!

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Why, we ask you! WHY!!!

To provide some background, the British Army have been stationed in Boston since 1768 to help enforce crappy British taxation laws. Now we’re hearing whispers that a mASShole got mouthy with a British soldier, so the soldier whacked the dude’s head with a musket.

Shortly after, a crowd formed around the musket jerk and they began bitching and throwing shiz. After awhile of this dramz, the soldiers fired into the crowd without orders, killing five and injuring six others!

Bullying is wrong, but responding with violence and murder is just immature! If we killed everyone who made fun of us, half of New Jersey would be a ghost town!!!!

We’ll provide updates as they come in.

Until then, stay safe, mASSholes!

Daniel “Boom Me” Boone Has Been Captured by Indians!!!!!

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NOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!! Someone plz save our Booney!

Boom Me Boone and his brother-in-law were out and about being awesome when they were attacked and captured by Indians. Boone was also captured earlier this year but he was eventually released. This time, he may not be so lucky.

We hope Boone will get out safely! Otherwise, who will we think about at night before we go to sleep?? Whose last name can we doodle onto ours??? Who will we send our naked self-portrait Valentine’s Day cards to?!?!!?

Indians can be SO mean!

UPDATE: Boome Me Boone and his bro-in-law have escaped!!!!! YAY! Beauty AND brains!!! *dreamy sigh*

SeXXXy Explorer Daniel Boone Blazes 1st Trail from NC to TN

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Hot dayum!! He can blaze our trail any day of the week!!!!

Daniel “Boom Me” Boone is being a rugged, seXXXy mountain man and going where no man has gone before: America’s backsidecountry!

Boom Me Boone is en route to Kentucky with five other men to do manly things like hunt and explore. Along the way, he has blazed the first trail between North Carolina and Tennessee

Take us with you, Boone! We promise we’ll behave!!!

…OK, that was a lie, LOL.

We can’t help it! He makes us feel soooo naughty!!!!!!