These bitches have our lives!!!
They probably had a fancy champagne brunch before spending the day shopping and coordinating looks!!! It’s no accident that they both have off-the-shoulder dresses with ruffles on the sleeve, perfect curls framing their faces and, finally, similar poses.
On the left is Sir Peter Lely’s “The Duchess of Portsmouth” and on the right is Pieter Nason’s “Portrait of a Lady.” SHOCKER! Even the artists share the same first name.
SO jeal.
Oui oui!!! We like!
With all the competition for land on the east coast, the Frenchies took the middle area from right under England’s nose. We can’t imagine the English are too upset though, because the middle is where a ton of Indians live. From what we’ve heard, most Indians AREN’T looking to make friends.
Whatevs, this is good news for us! We find those little Frenchie hats très adorbs!!!!
Teddy Hamilton in a doggie beret would be too presh for words!!
Sadly, we have heard reports that Margaret Brent, a crazy spinster woman who requested the right to vote, has passed away in Virginia at the age of 70.
It’s worth mentioning that her sex life was STILL nonexistent at the time of her death. She died VERY single, giving her only property to her sister, brother and his children.
We can’t imagine she lived a very fulfilled life.
May there be plenty of safe and virtuous sex in Heaven.
Soon after Chief Massasoit Sachem died, his son Metacomet began leading the Sachem Indians. MetaC has been so buddy-buddy with the locals that he even adopted a European name, “King Phillip”, and buys his white people clothing in Boston.
Sadly, the Puritans have become paranoid that the Indians are taking over, so they’ve ordered MetaC to surrender a lot of his weaponry and agree to English law. Reluctantly, MetaC agreed.
The Plymouth Colony wouldn’t have even survived without the kindess of MetaC’s dad!! We bet Chief Massasoit Sachem is rolling over in his grave. Or part of him, anyway. The Puritans probably dug up his body and stole his jewelry.
Well, they’ve done it before!!!
The horror!
John Lewis and Sarah Chapman from Connecticut have been accused of, “sitting together on the Lord’s Day under an apple tree in Goodman Chapman’s Orchard.”
This is supposedly the SAME John Lewis who was tried for, “absenting himself at unreasonable hours of the night, to the great grief of his parents.”
He was probably with Sarah Chapman then, too!! Something tells us this ho WON’T be wearing white on her wedding day.
Shady, shady!!
Ohhh no they didn’t!!
Unless you’re brain dead, you know that the bloody Beaver Wars have been raging for years now. It all started when the Dutch and English encouraged the Iroqouis Indians, led by the Mohawks, to expand their territory so they could monopolize on the fur trade. In other words, the Iroqouis were encouraged to beat the shiz out of other Indian tribes to steal their land so they could trade fur for Europan goods, like liquor.
Recently, the Iroqouis lost their their Dutch allies after the English took over New York and the English stopped trusting the bloodthirsty Iroqouis because, well, they’re insane. With a lack of support, the Beaver Wars quieted down… until now.
The Iroquois have now brutally forced the Mannahoac tribe out of the northern Virginia area!!!
Oh, did we mention that the Iroqouis EAT THEIR VICTIMS????
We would NEVER go through all that trouble just to get some beavers!!
Ouch! Delaware doesn’t mess around!!!!
A Swedish explorer living in Delaware, Marcus Jacobson, managed to convince some townsfolk to rebel against English authority so that the Swedes could rule the province. Of course, he was taken to court and found guilty in the first trial by jury in Delaware.
He is sentenced to a severe public whipping, branding on the FACE and chest with the letter “R” (for “Rogue”) and, finally, he will be sold to a plantation to become a slave.
We’ll make sure to do all of our illegal activity outside Delaware’s borders.
LOL!
History books??? Talk about Yawn Fest 1669.
Nathaniel Morton has published the first comprehensive history book about Plymouth Colony. Most of the information in the book has been based on the writings of Morton’s uncle, former Governor of Plymouth Colony, William Bradford.
It’s probably filled with Indian wars and stupid Pilgrim stuff. If only Nathan published a book on juicy Pilgrim gossip…
We’d be first in line to buy it!!!
Remember how John cockbLocke was a “live-in doctor” for one of the eight Lord Proprietors of Carolina, Anthony Ashley Cooper, 1st Earl of Shaftesbury??
Well now Tony Cooper’s ”doctor” has become his bitch “secretary.” CockbLocke supposedly had a big hand in crafting the new Fundamental Constitutions of Carolina, which is a blend of both liberal and feudalist ideas. One important note: While the new constitution provides for religious tolerance, it also gives complete power to an owner over his slave.
That’s funny, our sources tells us cockbLocke is AGAINST slavery. Now he’s writing about how slaves can be 100% owned by their masters??????
Either he’s a TOTAL hypocrite or this is part of some weird sex fetish where cockbLocke wants to be legally owned by his master, Tony Cooper.
We’re going to assume the latter. Ha!!
We have always been ready to fight off witches, but pirates…?!? We are SO not prepared for them!!
There has been a lot of bad blood between the Spanish and the English. Recently, Spanish forces attacked the English settlement of New Providence in the Bahamas. In retaliation, angry English pirates sailed to America’s oldest European settlement, St. Augustine in Florida, and kicked some serious butt. Sixty people have died from the attacks at St. Augustine.
Ugghhh, we don’t even know how to kill a pirate! Do you stab them in the heart with a stake?!?!
Life is just so hard in the New World.
