And the plot thickens!
Governor Thomas Hutchinson of mASSholeChusetts had British Captain Thomas Preston and eight of his soldiers arrested for the incidents of March 5th. A town meeting was held at Faneuil Hall where people demanded that the Brits leave Boston and also have Captain Thomas Preston and his men put on trial for murder.
Obvi, no one wanted to defend
a murdering douchebag Cap’n Kill’m Preston, so he had no choice but to beg lawyer John Adams to do the dirty work. In the interest of a fair trial, John Adams surprisingly agreed.
You remember Pervy John Adams, right??? The perv who married his cousin?
This guy is just FULL of shockers!!!
Why, we ask you! WHY!!!
To provide some background, the British Army have been stationed in Boston since 1768 to help enforce crappy British taxation laws. Now we’re hearing whispers that a mASShole got mouthy with a British soldier, so the soldier whacked the dude’s head with a musket.
Shortly after, a crowd formed around the musket jerk and they began bitching and throwing shiz. After awhile of this dramz, the soldiers fired into the crowd without orders, killing five and injuring six others!
Bullying is wrong, but responding with violence and murder is just immature! If we killed everyone who made fun of us, half of New Jersey would be a ghost town!!!!
We’ll provide updates as they come in.
Until then, stay safe, mASSholes!
NOOOOOOOoooooo!!!!!! Someone plz save our Booney!
Boom Me Boone and his brother-in-law were out and about being awesome when they were attacked and captured by Indians. Boone was also captured earlier this year but he was eventually released. This time, he may not be so lucky.
We hope Boone will get out safely! Otherwise, who will we think about at night before we go to sleep?? Whose last name can we doodle onto ours??? Who will we send our naked self-portrait Valentine’s Day cards to?!?!!?
Indians can be SO mean!
UPDATE: Boome Me Boone and his bro-in-law have escaped!!!!! YAY! Beauty AND brains!!! *dreamy sigh*
Hot dayum!! He can blaze our trail any day of the week!!!!
Daniel “Boom Me” Boone is being a rugged, seXXXy mountain man and going where no man has gone before: America’s back
Boom Me Boone is en route to Kentucky with five other men to do manly things like hunt and explore. Along the way, he has blazed the first trail between North Carolina and Tennessee.
Take us with you, Boone! We promise we’ll behave!!!
…OK, that was a lie, LOL.
We can’t help it! He makes us feel soooo naughty!!!!!!
OK, who let this little baby into the jester’s costume closet?!?!! If she didn’t dress herself, she must be the butt of a cruel, cruel joke because this outfit is outRAGEOUS.
The innocent victim above is depicted in an oil painting by German artist A. Fr. Ringen.
If anyone sees a pile of frumpy, Christmas-colored frocks crawling around, plz send it our way. We want to help the poor thing with a faboosh baby makeover!
We’ve sure come a long way since the days of slave rebellions!
The Wheatley family of Massachusetts purchased a young slave named Phillis. Luckily for Phillis, the Wheatleys valued education and tutored her in reading and writing. She took a liking to poetry and just had a poem published in the “Newport Mercury” newspaper.
Some h8rs are claiming that Phillis’s poetry is terrible, and if it weren’t for the influential and wealthy Wheatley family, she never would have been published.
Crappy poet or not, we say f*ck the h8rs! We think it’s super brave of Phillis to follow her dreams and super kewl of the Wheatleys to treat her as one of their own.
Congrats, gurl! U earned it!!!!!
…and then literally a few hours later Parliament passed ANOTHER stoopid act.
The morons across the pond got the hint that everyone hated the Stamp Act, so Parliament voted to repeal it. But, just when America was throwing a dance party to celebrate, British P-funks passed the Declaratory Act, which gives the Brits total legislative power over the American colonies.
SOoOooo naughty, P-funks!!!!! We can already smell the fake burning bodies in protest!!
Yayayay! We LURVE babies!!!!!!
Despite all odds, incestuous couple Pervy John Adams and Abby the Animal Adams had a healthy baby girl. While we haven’t seen portraits of the little button yet, we hear she’s been named after mommy and has the loving nickname of “Nabby.”
Awwwwww, Nabby!!!! SO cute for an itty-bitty baby!!
Hope she inherited her momma’s good looks. Poor girl’s going to have trouble if she got daddy’s hawk nose…..
…Sometimes we just have no words for these news stories. LOL!
Pissed off by the Stamp Act, Americans wanted to send a message to the Brits that they are NOT okay with the new law. They recently hung an effigy of mASSachusetts' stamp distributor, Andrew Oliver, under an Elm tree (nicknamed “Liberty Tree”). They then took the mock body to Andy’s house where an angry mob beheaded and burned it on his lawn. Unsurprisingly, Andy resigned the next morning.
Since this protest was so successful, we got a feeling that it won’t be the last.
British Parliament must be shaking in their knickers!!!!!
"No taxation without representation
and certainly no fornication without autoerotic asphyxiation.”
- Popular phrase coined by James Otis